Goddamn

Well well,

Two letters were waiting in the mailbox for me this morning. Both from the university I applied to. Both to tell me that my application had been turned down because they hadn't received the requiered payment for my admission. I made the payment for my admission request, all following the guidelines.

So I called the admission office of the university. After waiting a very long time on the phone while they were checking things in my file, I got this very unhelpful response: "We're in the process of changing systems. Now everything is scanned into the computer. Please ignore the letters you have just received and keep in mind that no admission file will be evaluated before mid-november, if not mid-december..." Then, just as security, I asked if it was safe to assume an admission if the selected program was not-limited and open. The lady told me that it was not a good idea to assume such a thing, considering that the main criterion for entry is excellency of the student record.

Now, what do I do of all this? It's certain that I have to start looking for a place to live in Montreal and that I have to get a job for the winter in order to survive, all of which knowing that I just might not even be a student this winter, invalidating mostly everything.

This sucks so much.

Anger

I'm feeling a lot of anger recently. Anger and frustration, both of which I am keeping inside. I am not the angry type. But this daily life is really sucking the positivity out of me.

It seems I am stuck in a cycle, a cycle that I don't understand. I am angry at myself because I am constantly bringing myself down. I am my worst enemy, really. I just can't stop this neverending series of I'm Worthless, I'm Ugly, I Suck, People Think I'm Stupid, I Am Stupid, etc. That's most probably the cause of my problem. I am underachieving because even before I begin anything I'm thinking that I just can't do it, being the talentless sucker that I am.

I am angry at this life I am living because I am not doing anything. I work part-time in a bookstore, as a cashier/clerk, I am still at home. I applied for university and I still haven't gotten a response which is beginning to really annoy and worry me. I am not well organised which means that even if I get in, it'll be problematic just to get my shit in order.

I need something drastic to change. I am really frustrated at everything. I am wondering if this will go on forever, if I'm destined to a life of mediocrity. Things must change but I just don't know what to do to make a change, one that'll be worthy. There must be a lesson to learn but I'm too blind to see it. Things have got to change really because the way this is going, I'll be wishing for someone to blow my brains out fairly soon.

And, of course I'm keeping all of this to myself because I don't want to annoy people with that.

Just A Thought

Normally, I shouldn't be thinking about going back to something that once didn't work out. Never go back, they say. Still, for some reason, I've been thinking about what it would be like to go back to Sherbrooke to redo my certificate in visual arts...

Last time, many things went wrong. I was unmotivated, I didn't work as hard as I should have, I let myself be destroyed by my flatmate-from-hell, I was depressed and un-energetic and, most important, I thought I was a Worthless Piece Of Shit.

From that, I got a really sucky university gradecard (1 failed course, 1 D, 1 C, 2 B) and the impression that if I want to apply somewhere to do a real bachelor's degree in visual arts I'll be turned down as quickly as you can shout DROP-OUT!!

So, I was thinking, with me being a year wiser, what would it be like to just go back, swallow my pride, accept the fact that it's far from being the best and most stimulating program and just get on with it, be the smart, strong and creative person I know I can be/I am and just do it.

It's just a thought, only a thought.

Back On Track (Mostly)

The day after last post, I got better. Woke up and within an hour it seemed all the negative energy had left my innerself. Motivation, inspiration and even joy came back. Lovely.

But then, none of my real problems are solved. I am still very low on cash and I don't really have any savings as of now. I am not working enough hours to really save up that much but then I can't find a second job as they have started giving me shifts in the middle of the week, changing every week. Still no news from the university, which means I simply don't know if I got in or not.

This morning, I woke up with the gut feeling that my admission to university was denied. That got me thinking: if I am not admitted, what will I do? I have no plan B on this. I am not down and I will not stress about that until I know for sure.

So basically I'm back to my good self again, but none of the problems are solved.

And I still have the feeling something major is going to happen shortly...

Combination Cabin Fever

I am simply going out of my mind. Slowly. Cabin fever is setting in. I've been back home for over 9 months now. I know it means there are only 3 to go (maybe even a bit less), but at this point, it kinda feels permanent. Completely freaky.

I have had rather scary moments recently. I woke up one morning about two weeks ago and I felt as though I had been robbed of all reasons to live. Suddenly, boom!, nothing. I began wondering what was my motivation, what kept me pushing forward. Didn't find an answer. Useless, I felt so completely useless. Talentless. Worthless. Completely.

Then, with my dear friend Emi, we went to see G and have lunch with him. It was heaven. A great day. Tons of fun with the added bonus of G being moderately demonstrative, taking my hand, hugging me. Came back here and my other dear friend left a message saying that she was going to Montreal the next day and that if I wanted the ride it would be a nice occasion for me to see G. I went. G and I spent the whole evening walking about, while my friend was at a show. I was walking next to him and just wanted to hug him, kiss him. I didn't. He was colder than before. I felt that something had shifted inside him. I couldn't say why or what it was. Then I left him at a metro station, he went one way, I went the other, to meet my friends at another station. Came back to town and on the way made a stop at a coffee shop. I felt sad, didn't know why, couldn't explain.

The next day was the top of the feeling useless days: I felt completely hollow. At work I hid it as much as possible, serving the customers impeccably. The day went by slowly and my mother was picking me up afterwards. We were to go buy fresh produce at a farm 15 minutes away from town. I had only been in the car 5 minutes and I completely broke down crying. Shattered and clueless. Cried for me missing G like crazy, cried for feeling completely useless and talentless, cried for me going out of my mind. Went to bed early that night.

Then, for the whole of this week, I've been keeping busy. Working as much as possible: working on my music, working on drawings, writings. But cabin fever has really set in. It sometimes feel like I'm just really going to implode.

About The Time Camera

The Time camera is a little thing I bought in a thrift shop (for 2$CDN!). All made of plastic (including the lens), that beast is light as a feather and looks (if you look quickly) like a decent rangefinder. Upon closer inspection though, it truly just is a plastic point&shooter. It does have an aperture selection ring, ranging from sunny to cloudy in four increments (16, 11, 8, 5.6), which I broke while selecting the aperture with a bit too much enthusiasm. Now the thing is stuck at 5.6. Oh well.

Time Camera : 1, 2, 3, 4

Motor! Tak.