I haven't moved out finally. Once the dust had settled, I realised that I can make it through. I don't have to let myself absord someone else's emotions and feelings. They only hold power over me if I allow them to. Realising that made a massive difference.
Before deciding against moving out, I visited a place where they rent rooms. The rent was the same amount of money as what I'm paying here, it's rather well located, etc. So I booked an appointment and went. First thing the woman I was meeting for the visit said was: "JESUS!! You're tall!!" and then laughed a great laugh. I only understood why she had made the tallness comment a while later.
Once arrived at the place, it didn't take me really long to notive that the ceilings were less than 6 foot high. I visited the place nonetheless and decided against renting it.
-----
During the same period, Emilie and I were also searching for an apartment, as we're moving in together in July. We had done some looking, scouting neighbourhoods, scanning papers, nothing really came of it. Until March the 23rd, when I went to her place after class. We started scanning the papers and found an ad that seemed very interesting. We called, visited the place the same night. We completely fell in love with the place so without further thinking about it, we filled-in the application documents. They were to call us within five days to notify us whether we were approved for renting the place or not. I got a call the day before my birthday, telling me that we were approved.
This apartment is really gorgeous. High ceiling, white textured walls, woodworks all throughout. The room I called shotgun on is quite big, has a gorgeous three-piece window and has a fireplace (which doesn't work nowadays, but still, FIREPLACE!!)
-----
I've met someone. Or rather, someone met me. A bit more than a week ago. It was a customer from my store. Someone I had helped around the store last fall and that had made quite an impression on me. Turns out I had made quite an impression on him as well. He came back to the store on a saturday. I helped him around the store again, we talked for over 20 minutes about various things. As he and his friends were just lingering in the store, I decided to give them each a little something. They were still in the store minutes after I had given the thing so I decided to just go straight up to him and introduce myself. Which I did. After that, he and his friend went to pay and they proceeded to thank the store, but not before he thanked me for the chat and left the store. I had hoped that he would ask me out for coffee or give me his phone number, but it didn't happen.
A bit later during the day, I was doing something in the store window and the guy walks back in the store. Alone, this time. He came back to ask me out for coffee later that evening.
Coffee became a beer, then dinner, then a walk and then coffee. An amazing, wonderful evening. And we've seen quite a bit of the other since that saturday. It's going well, very very well.
-----
Last week, I got a call from a photo studio where I had applied for a photographer's assistant job. They pre-interviewed me by phone and scheduled me for a real, live interview at the studio the next day. They asked me to put together a portfolio. That gave me less than 24 hours to prepare something. I managed to whip up something fairly satisfying.
The interview didn't go super well. They seemed really cold. At first, I was only being interviewd by one woman, but then, just as I started feeling a bit more comfortable, another woman came in. The kind of woman who could be either incredibly nice or unbearably mean, but that you can't tell right off the bat which she happens to be. Their questionning was very strict and intricate. They even asked me, out of the blue, to pretend one of the woman was a 1 year old toddler crying and try to have the toddler stop crying.
I very much doubt I impressed them. Anyways, they said that were I to be selected, I'd hear from them sometime before this friday and they made it really clear that if I were not selected, I WOULDN'T hear from them.
I'm not feeling bummed either way. If I get it, then it'll be a new adventure. If I don't, then it just plain means that there's something a whole lot better just waiting out there. So I'm confident.
My life is looking good right about now, I must say.
20060418
20060321
The Last Straw
I've had it. I have to move out and find another job ASAP. Today was the last straw...
I thought I could endure this bad roommate/boss situation but I can't. The man is sucking the energy and the creativity out of me. It dawned on me that it's only when I am here that I feel worthless and lose all interest in doing anything. When I visit my friends, when I go home, when I'm working on projects at school I feel fine. As soon as I walk in the apartment and he's there, all will to fight leaves my body.
Also, I can't bear this job situation anymore. The man oscillates between moments of treating me like crap, scrutinizing everything I do to find the flaw, saying mean comments in front of the rest of the staff and moments of thanking me for all I do, thanking me for being so understanding and caring for the rest of the staff. Everytime someone is sick and I can replace them, I do it. Everytime I can do anything to help, I do it.
And yet, today, I simply asked to get the day of my birthday off work. He made me feel like shit for asking so, telling me how I would put them all in a really bad situation, etc etc etc. After that, he called me back saying that he'd try very hard to find a replacement, even if it meant him working more days than usual in a row. BIG FUCKING DEAL! Whenever he has a headache or some ailment and asks me to cover his shift, I do it. But when I'm REALLY not feeling well, I always have to work because it's impossible to find someone to replace me.
I was so frustrated that I broke down in front of one of my friends/classmates. She picked me up and made me see things clearer. That's when I realised everything that was going on. The manipulation, the energy-sucking, the sheer fact that he imposes his sadness and anger on everyone in the vicinity and that, through living with him and being the one he loves but isn't loving him back, I am getting the bulk of the crap.
So it's time for me to move out. And find another job. I had started searching for a job already and today, I started looking for a room to rent until I move in with my friends in July...
Such drama, as always. It seems that my life always turns out to be a soap opera...
I thought I could endure this bad roommate/boss situation but I can't. The man is sucking the energy and the creativity out of me. It dawned on me that it's only when I am here that I feel worthless and lose all interest in doing anything. When I visit my friends, when I go home, when I'm working on projects at school I feel fine. As soon as I walk in the apartment and he's there, all will to fight leaves my body.
Also, I can't bear this job situation anymore. The man oscillates between moments of treating me like crap, scrutinizing everything I do to find the flaw, saying mean comments in front of the rest of the staff and moments of thanking me for all I do, thanking me for being so understanding and caring for the rest of the staff. Everytime someone is sick and I can replace them, I do it. Everytime I can do anything to help, I do it.
And yet, today, I simply asked to get the day of my birthday off work. He made me feel like shit for asking so, telling me how I would put them all in a really bad situation, etc etc etc. After that, he called me back saying that he'd try very hard to find a replacement, even if it meant him working more days than usual in a row. BIG FUCKING DEAL! Whenever he has a headache or some ailment and asks me to cover his shift, I do it. But when I'm REALLY not feeling well, I always have to work because it's impossible to find someone to replace me.
I was so frustrated that I broke down in front of one of my friends/classmates. She picked me up and made me see things clearer. That's when I realised everything that was going on. The manipulation, the energy-sucking, the sheer fact that he imposes his sadness and anger on everyone in the vicinity and that, through living with him and being the one he loves but isn't loving him back, I am getting the bulk of the crap.
So it's time for me to move out. And find another job. I had started searching for a job already and today, I started looking for a room to rent until I move in with my friends in July...
Such drama, as always. It seems that my life always turns out to be a soap opera...
20060319
I Am Not Sleeping
I am not sleeping. I do realise that that's implied because I would not be writing this thing had I been asleep at the moment. I had gone to bed a bit after midnight expecting a nice night of sleep when my upstairs neighbours decided to entertain their already loud enough guests with techno music. I had managed to get a nice point of focus and was on the verge of finding sleep when someone started yelling and chanting (yes, chanting) in the street, most probably right under my window. Have not sensed impending sleep since.
I have started reading Bridget Jones's Diary, on suggestion of a friend. I had mentionned over drinks one night that I was beginning to think that my life would resemble that of Miss Jones (just the general life idea, I'm not implying that I intend to become a woman) by the time I hit thirty-five, to which my friend replied: "have you read the book?" I confessed that I had only seen the movie. She urged me to go buy it, as it's very different from and much better than the movie. A few weeks passed and then we went for drinks again, this time joined by another friend who was experiencing emotional turmoil of herself. Bridget Jones came on topic again and that second friend decided to get to reading it too. The next day, after work, we both went to Chapters to get a copy. A week after buying it I am halfway through. It really IS much better than the movie. Makes me realise that I want to read more novels in english. I figure it's probably the only way I'll improve my written english.
-----
My birthday is in a week. I'm excited. I don't exactly know why, but there's a christmasy feeling to my birthday this year. As if something marvelous was about to happen. Something big...
I have started reading Bridget Jones's Diary, on suggestion of a friend. I had mentionned over drinks one night that I was beginning to think that my life would resemble that of Miss Jones (just the general life idea, I'm not implying that I intend to become a woman) by the time I hit thirty-five, to which my friend replied: "have you read the book?" I confessed that I had only seen the movie. She urged me to go buy it, as it's very different from and much better than the movie. A few weeks passed and then we went for drinks again, this time joined by another friend who was experiencing emotional turmoil of herself. Bridget Jones came on topic again and that second friend decided to get to reading it too. The next day, after work, we both went to Chapters to get a copy. A week after buying it I am halfway through. It really IS much better than the movie. Makes me realise that I want to read more novels in english. I figure it's probably the only way I'll improve my written english.
-----
My birthday is in a week. I'm excited. I don't exactly know why, but there's a christmasy feeling to my birthday this year. As if something marvelous was about to happen. Something big...
20060303
Reconciliated
When I start to lose focus about why I study photography, it's usually because I haven't taken pictures in a while.
Yesterday morning, I went to capture class completely demotivated and feeling photographically worthless. Theory period went by and then came the time for capture. 15 minutes in my capture session and my faith in the field was completely restored. I felt really zen during shooting and that's when I realised that I need photography in my life. It synchronises me with the world, with my very own world.
Also, last week I started slipping as far as school work was concerned. The moment I noticed it, I started tackling the beast one assignment at a time. It proved to be beneficial because as of today, I am up to date everywhere.
-----
For the past month, I've been bumping into people I haven't seen in a rather long time. Mostly, it was people with whom communication stopped abruptly, the history just cutting out at a single, sharp point in time.
First occurrence: I was coming back to my apartment from a little evening soirée with a friend of mine. As we were walking down the street and talking and laughing, I turn around to see a man walking towards his car. At first, I think: "Hmmm, this face seems strangely familiar". Then I turned around and recognized who it was. He turned around at the same moment, saw me and then looked down really quickly and tried to unlock his car as best he could. I kept on walking.
Second occurrence: I went for beer with a friend after work (oddly enough, same friend as above). We went to this little bar thingie on Saint-Laurent. Drank and talked about life, sex and guys. The last topic of our conversation was a former friend of mine. Someone with whom communication stopped abruptly after really confusing happenings. He had been on my mind for some days prior to that. We left the bar, she went her way and I proceeded to walk back to my apartment. As I was crossing a street, I see someone from afar and think: "hmmm, this face seems familiar". Walking closer, I notice that not only it seems familiar but it happens to be THE guy I was talking about. He looked straight in my eyes and stared for a couple of seconds. He was with someone. I didn't say anything, he stopped staring, started talking louder and walked past me.
Third, fourth and fifth occurrence: I was one of the last people to leave colour theory class, last monday. I left class at six. I went to drop things in my locker (that happens to be in the photo department. I could have taken another locker, downstairs, but I figured that one locker was enough for me) and pick up my winter jacket. As I was walking to the bathroom, I had a flash: "Of course, I'm going to the bathroom, I'll wash my hands, get out of the bathroom, drink water from the fountain and I'll turn around to bump into G." Damn my intuition to hell, I was right. When I realised that YES, it was him, my heart stopped and then started beating faster and in an erratic fashion. I almost threw myself down the escalator to avoid having to stay close.
The next day, I was leaving phototech class with a few of my classmates. We were going down the escalators. Reaching the 6th floor (photo dept), I wished them all a good evening and went to my locker. As I got into the department, I turn around to see G again, standing in the doorway of one of the studios. I walked faster to my locker, trying. When I passed there again, he had gone. It took me a good 5 minutes to get back to a regular heart rythmn.
Thursday was capture class (see above). After the capture, I was bringing the lighting cart back to the depot. Just as I stepped out of the studio, I saw him again, reading notices on the billboard. I just played dumb and went to the depot. Later that day, I had to go and complete a calibration assignment. So I went to the depot again to have the calibration room unlocked. G was at the depot too. He needed to have access to the repro room. The two rooms are interconnected. A few of my classmates were doing their calibration too, so we all stayed there and chatted for a bit while one by one, each of us took the calibration pictures. After a bit of waiting and feeling ultra ackward, I went in the repro room and sat next to G. He had that puzzled look in his eyes. I said hello, he greeted back. Then I said: "How about if we made peace?" To which he agreed and shook my hand, all the while avoiding to look at me.
I wonder who I'll bump into next, although if the pattern keeps on going the way it is, I already know who it'll be.
Yesterday morning, I went to capture class completely demotivated and feeling photographically worthless. Theory period went by and then came the time for capture. 15 minutes in my capture session and my faith in the field was completely restored. I felt really zen during shooting and that's when I realised that I need photography in my life. It synchronises me with the world, with my very own world.
Also, last week I started slipping as far as school work was concerned. The moment I noticed it, I started tackling the beast one assignment at a time. It proved to be beneficial because as of today, I am up to date everywhere.
-----
For the past month, I've been bumping into people I haven't seen in a rather long time. Mostly, it was people with whom communication stopped abruptly, the history just cutting out at a single, sharp point in time.
First occurrence: I was coming back to my apartment from a little evening soirée with a friend of mine. As we were walking down the street and talking and laughing, I turn around to see a man walking towards his car. At first, I think: "Hmmm, this face seems strangely familiar". Then I turned around and recognized who it was. He turned around at the same moment, saw me and then looked down really quickly and tried to unlock his car as best he could. I kept on walking.
Second occurrence: I went for beer with a friend after work (oddly enough, same friend as above). We went to this little bar thingie on Saint-Laurent. Drank and talked about life, sex and guys. The last topic of our conversation was a former friend of mine. Someone with whom communication stopped abruptly after really confusing happenings. He had been on my mind for some days prior to that. We left the bar, she went her way and I proceeded to walk back to my apartment. As I was crossing a street, I see someone from afar and think: "hmmm, this face seems familiar". Walking closer, I notice that not only it seems familiar but it happens to be THE guy I was talking about. He looked straight in my eyes and stared for a couple of seconds. He was with someone. I didn't say anything, he stopped staring, started talking louder and walked past me.
Third, fourth and fifth occurrence: I was one of the last people to leave colour theory class, last monday. I left class at six. I went to drop things in my locker (that happens to be in the photo department. I could have taken another locker, downstairs, but I figured that one locker was enough for me) and pick up my winter jacket. As I was walking to the bathroom, I had a flash: "Of course, I'm going to the bathroom, I'll wash my hands, get out of the bathroom, drink water from the fountain and I'll turn around to bump into G." Damn my intuition to hell, I was right. When I realised that YES, it was him, my heart stopped and then started beating faster and in an erratic fashion. I almost threw myself down the escalator to avoid having to stay close.
The next day, I was leaving phototech class with a few of my classmates. We were going down the escalators. Reaching the 6th floor (photo dept), I wished them all a good evening and went to my locker. As I got into the department, I turn around to see G again, standing in the doorway of one of the studios. I walked faster to my locker, trying. When I passed there again, he had gone. It took me a good 5 minutes to get back to a regular heart rythmn.
Thursday was capture class (see above). After the capture, I was bringing the lighting cart back to the depot. Just as I stepped out of the studio, I saw him again, reading notices on the billboard. I just played dumb and went to the depot. Later that day, I had to go and complete a calibration assignment. So I went to the depot again to have the calibration room unlocked. G was at the depot too. He needed to have access to the repro room. The two rooms are interconnected. A few of my classmates were doing their calibration too, so we all stayed there and chatted for a bit while one by one, each of us took the calibration pictures. After a bit of waiting and feeling ultra ackward, I went in the repro room and sat next to G. He had that puzzled look in his eyes. I said hello, he greeted back. Then I said: "How about if we made peace?" To which he agreed and shook my hand, all the while avoiding to look at me.
I wonder who I'll bump into next, although if the pattern keeps on going the way it is, I already know who it'll be.
20060228
The Reason Why
It's starting to be almost a ritual. A few weeks before midterm, I hit a point where I have no idea why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm studying photography. I don't know what I want to shoot or why I would be shooting it.
I'm demotivated by the way the program is structured. I spend more time working on projects for mandatory art classes (colour theory, for instance) than I would for my photography. We are not allowed access to printing in the lab (which is only electronic, as we have not yet shot a single sheet of film) outside of our class periods. If we want to access said lab, we have to make sure that no class is being tought in the room. The current lab is shared with students of many other programs, which means that the screens are very often decalibrated when we get to work. There ARE dedicated digital photo labs, however we will not gain access to them until the second year. In shooting class, we are doing studio work this term. However, since there are too many students for the available studio spots, we only shoot two weeks out of three.
Now, I know that many of those annoyances are caused by the way the CEGEP system works. But why is there only ONE option for studying photo in university, it being studying studio arts with a major in photography and that course being offered in only ONE of the universities in Quebec? Why is there no real other way to study professional photo other than in CEGEP? Why is it that very few of the photographers from Quebec that I admire actually studied photo in CEGEP? Is it that the path is flawed? Is it that the path to photography isn't actually through school but that the schooling will give us the tools to actually forge our own path?
I have to admit that I don't understand how I'll be a photographer. In a bit more than two years, I'm supposed to come out of school ready to tackle the world with my shutter skills but why does it seem so distant and unclear?
One thing's for certain, I must not give up. I have done that way too many times. Even if doubt has set in, I just have to push myself forward and work harder, but I must not abandon. I'll probably get the answers to my questions in time.
I'm demotivated by the way the program is structured. I spend more time working on projects for mandatory art classes (colour theory, for instance) than I would for my photography. We are not allowed access to printing in the lab (which is only electronic, as we have not yet shot a single sheet of film) outside of our class periods. If we want to access said lab, we have to make sure that no class is being tought in the room. The current lab is shared with students of many other programs, which means that the screens are very often decalibrated when we get to work. There ARE dedicated digital photo labs, however we will not gain access to them until the second year. In shooting class, we are doing studio work this term. However, since there are too many students for the available studio spots, we only shoot two weeks out of three.
Now, I know that many of those annoyances are caused by the way the CEGEP system works. But why is there only ONE option for studying photo in university, it being studying studio arts with a major in photography and that course being offered in only ONE of the universities in Quebec? Why is there no real other way to study professional photo other than in CEGEP? Why is it that very few of the photographers from Quebec that I admire actually studied photo in CEGEP? Is it that the path is flawed? Is it that the path to photography isn't actually through school but that the schooling will give us the tools to actually forge our own path?
I have to admit that I don't understand how I'll be a photographer. In a bit more than two years, I'm supposed to come out of school ready to tackle the world with my shutter skills but why does it seem so distant and unclear?
One thing's for certain, I must not give up. I have done that way too many times. Even if doubt has set in, I just have to push myself forward and work harder, but I must not abandon. I'll probably get the answers to my questions in time.
20060221
Sometimes
I realise that sometimes I have very little to say. It's very much ironic, as from what my mother told me, as a child I never ever would shut up. Only when I went to sleep would I bathe in total silence. Also, up until not very long ago I had a complete intolerence to silence. It would drive me completely nuts. As a kid, if there was a power outage leaving the house noise-less, I would become frightened and start screaming.
Nowadays, though, it's a completely different matter. Some days, I will only communicate when it's really needed, otherwise I'll stay in my little bubble. This applies to a lot of things.
I haven't written any poetry in a while. I used to be able to find topics quite easily and would scribble down things here and there. Now, it seems I'm unable to do that. I have lost the way of the word, or so I feel. However, I was told by my former writing teacher that those dry spells are part of what writing is and that you just have to live them through. It's still a bit crazy because when that dryness hits, nothing can make me believe that I'll never be able to write another word again.
A good example of this drought: yesterday, I spent the whole day playing guitar. I ended up finding four chords that worked really well together and that fit the moment I was bathing in. I tried singing things, but nothing worked. I couldn't find the exact topic and the exact phrasing to go along with that feeling. Thing is, I have a lot of topics to sing about, messages that I would like to put down and send across. I wrote down the chords and left the song in embryo to it's current state. Bare skeleton, no melody, no words...
It's all frustrating though, as I formerly studied writing in college.
Nowadays, though, it's a completely different matter. Some days, I will only communicate when it's really needed, otherwise I'll stay in my little bubble. This applies to a lot of things.
I haven't written any poetry in a while. I used to be able to find topics quite easily and would scribble down things here and there. Now, it seems I'm unable to do that. I have lost the way of the word, or so I feel. However, I was told by my former writing teacher that those dry spells are part of what writing is and that you just have to live them through. It's still a bit crazy because when that dryness hits, nothing can make me believe that I'll never be able to write another word again.
A good example of this drought: yesterday, I spent the whole day playing guitar. I ended up finding four chords that worked really well together and that fit the moment I was bathing in. I tried singing things, but nothing worked. I couldn't find the exact topic and the exact phrasing to go along with that feeling. Thing is, I have a lot of topics to sing about, messages that I would like to put down and send across. I wrote down the chords and left the song in embryo to it's current state. Bare skeleton, no melody, no words...
It's all frustrating though, as I formerly studied writing in college.
20060213
Poseurs and Narcissists: Give Up!
Every field has their share of poseurs. Photography is no exception...
In my class, there are quite a few of those. Out of all those fakes, one really gets to me. Last term, he only was in my lab class. This term, the dude happens to be in my phototech class and colour theory class. Everybody seems to think he's a really nice, charming dude. They don't really notice how condecending he actually is. When he says things, there's always an underlying layer of supposed superiorety intricately linked to his message. He will chat you up, but only to show his "knowledge". Also, the man is a fan of analog photography (nothing wrong with that), but likes to tell everybody else how HE has done photography the old, hard way and how, because of that, he is better then the whole population of photostudents combined. Last term, in lab class, he would always do his best to show everyone his work (again, nothing wrong with that per se), but using vile, manipulative means. He would befriend other students who can't question his attitude (as they have just started in photography) and lavish them with his thoughts on the history of photography, on how B+W photography can only be respectfully accomplished using the means of our ancestors, etc. Every time a teacher would say something related to film photography, he always makes a noise and grins and nods his head in content. That was his last term technique.
Now, this term, all of our groups are mixed up. So some of the minions of his original group happen to be in many of the classes I happen to be in. Last week, in studio class, we were working on personal stuff. When he passed by the studio and saw that the theory was over, he came in and found some of his colleagues to begin a chat. He was speaking loudly. He filled the room with his sentences, talking about how HE is getting so many contracts that he can't handle them, how HE is forced to lie about his age in order to get the contracts, as employers would think that someone his age simply could not be bestowed so much talent. I wasn't near him at all when he made that speech. I was busy experimenting with flasheads, minding my own business. Yet, I overheard his whole discourse. The whole ordeal turned my blood.
I've recognised quite a few months ago that this guy irks me. But after that class, I felt a bit down. I started questioning myself, my work and what I want to do later (mind you, I had had terrible sleep the night prior so I was overly sensitive that day). With much reflection, I realised that all that boy is doing, in actuality, is blowing smoke up the photo dept.'s ass. He NEEDS to feel superior, to feel important. I read something regarding that matter in the Tao-tö king a while ago and it came back to me that day:
That's when I realised that I don't need to feel bothered by the poseur's speech. I do not need that pretense. I need to know my own value and work with it. I need to know where I'm lacking and work on it. I do not need to bolster my supposed "special talents and gifts". I came to where I am now with work and will continue to do so. I just perhaps need to work on my self-confidence a bit...
In my class, there are quite a few of those. Out of all those fakes, one really gets to me. Last term, he only was in my lab class. This term, the dude happens to be in my phototech class and colour theory class. Everybody seems to think he's a really nice, charming dude. They don't really notice how condecending he actually is. When he says things, there's always an underlying layer of supposed superiorety intricately linked to his message. He will chat you up, but only to show his "knowledge". Also, the man is a fan of analog photography (nothing wrong with that), but likes to tell everybody else how HE has done photography the old, hard way and how, because of that, he is better then the whole population of photostudents combined. Last term, in lab class, he would always do his best to show everyone his work (again, nothing wrong with that per se), but using vile, manipulative means. He would befriend other students who can't question his attitude (as they have just started in photography) and lavish them with his thoughts on the history of photography, on how B+W photography can only be respectfully accomplished using the means of our ancestors, etc. Every time a teacher would say something related to film photography, he always makes a noise and grins and nods his head in content. That was his last term technique.
Now, this term, all of our groups are mixed up. So some of the minions of his original group happen to be in many of the classes I happen to be in. Last week, in studio class, we were working on personal stuff. When he passed by the studio and saw that the theory was over, he came in and found some of his colleagues to begin a chat. He was speaking loudly. He filled the room with his sentences, talking about how HE is getting so many contracts that he can't handle them, how HE is forced to lie about his age in order to get the contracts, as employers would think that someone his age simply could not be bestowed so much talent. I wasn't near him at all when he made that speech. I was busy experimenting with flasheads, minding my own business. Yet, I overheard his whole discourse. The whole ordeal turned my blood.
I've recognised quite a few months ago that this guy irks me. But after that class, I felt a bit down. I started questioning myself, my work and what I want to do later (mind you, I had had terrible sleep the night prior so I was overly sensitive that day). With much reflection, I realised that all that boy is doing, in actuality, is blowing smoke up the photo dept.'s ass. He NEEDS to feel superior, to feel important. I read something regarding that matter in the Tao-tö king a while ago and it came back to me that day:
XXIV
He who stands up tiptoeing
will not stand upwards for long.
He who walks in long strides
will not go very far.
He who shows exhibition will not glow.
He who affirms himself will not impose himself.
He who brings himself to glory will not have his merits recognised.
He who excites himself will not become a king.
That's when I realised that I don't need to feel bothered by the poseur's speech. I do not need that pretense. I need to know my own value and work with it. I need to know where I'm lacking and work on it. I do not need to bolster my supposed "special talents and gifts". I came to where I am now with work and will continue to do so. I just perhaps need to work on my self-confidence a bit...
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