The Reason Why

It's starting to be almost a ritual. A few weeks before midterm, I hit a point where I have no idea why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm studying photography. I don't know what I want to shoot or why I would be shooting it.

I'm demotivated by the way the program is structured. I spend more time working on projects for mandatory art classes (colour theory, for instance) than I would for my photography. We are not allowed access to printing in the lab (which is only electronic, as we have not yet shot a single sheet of film) outside of our class periods. If we want to access said lab, we have to make sure that no class is being tought in the room. The current lab is shared with students of many other programs, which means that the screens are very often decalibrated when we get to work. There ARE dedicated digital photo labs, however we will not gain access to them until the second year. In shooting class, we are doing studio work this term. However, since there are too many students for the available studio spots, we only shoot two weeks out of three.

Now, I know that many of those annoyances are caused by the way the CEGEP system works. But why is there only ONE option for studying photo in university, it being studying studio arts with a major in photography and that course being offered in only ONE of the universities in Quebec? Why is there no real other way to study professional photo other than in CEGEP? Why is it that very few of the photographers from Quebec that I admire actually studied photo in CEGEP? Is it that the path is flawed? Is it that the path to photography isn't actually through school but that the schooling will give us the tools to actually forge our own path?

I have to admit that I don't understand how I'll be a photographer. In a bit more than two years, I'm supposed to come out of school ready to tackle the world with my shutter skills but why does it seem so distant and unclear?

One thing's for certain, I must not give up. I have done that way too many times. Even if doubt has set in, I just have to push myself forward and work harder, but I must not abandon. I'll probably get the answers to my questions in time.