Facing Reality

It's raining today. Pouring, actually. This week has been a mix of sun and rain. This weather is all very cinematic.

I've been sort-of dating someone for a bit now. We agreed to get to know one another, to go slowly but communicate on what's happening along the way. That's fine, excellent even. However, today, I had a moment of clarity: it won't work out with that person. Not to say I'm repelled or lacking interest in that person, because I am completely interested.

A friend of mine (G, actually), sent me an album a couple of days ago. Télépopmusik's latest, Angel Milk. This puppy has been playing almost non-stop since I received it. It's an album that's quite peculiar, it sounds a lot like a breakup album, being shattered and picking up the pieces. It also kinda fits my mood of this week.

Something is odd in my close universe at the moment. My best friend's boyfriend vanished and has been missing for a week now; my father was admitted to the hospital for a serious respiratory problem (I heard he's back to his home now); a lot of my friends are having breakdowns. And I am not completely over my breakup.

It's not Benoit I'm missing. In fact, I don't really want to see his face at all. Later, yes, I'll want to know how he is, but not now. Also, I think it's not the relationship I'm missing. It feels like a little something broke inside of me. I feel lonely, a bit lost, a little less motivated at everything. I have retreated just a little farther into my own mind. I recognise this state, I felt pretty much the same way last autumn, when G broke-up with me.

It's funny, no? The G-and-I relationship was spread over months but we didn't see much of one another during that time. Yet, I was really shaken when it ended. I was hoping on it getting better when I would finally arrive to Montreal, I was, everyday, knowing that the time until my move was getting closer. Alas, it had to break before. I fell into the state I currently am in, retreated into my mind. I listen to music and I imagine stuff, I visualise it happening into everyday life. I guess it's just an extension of melancholy, some poetic dream-living.

I've been in that state for a moment. I recognised it's onset sometime last weekend. I was coming home from work, in the bus, and suddenly felt distantiated from myself. I was seeing people in the street and I wished I were somewhere else, a couple of months back in time. I was hoping it wouldn't be that state but now there's no denying it.

It's not that it's unabling me from working, going on with my daily life. I'm fine. I am even almost sure that people don't notice it. But I do.

And right about now I'm wondering if, finally, at one point during my life someone will fall for me and me for them. I'm wondering why it is that when I love people they end up throwing me away. I have loved G, honestly, sincerily. I have loved Benoit completely too. We all know what happened both times...