Ich kann nicht schlafen

Yeah, I can't sleep. I just woke up at 4 am, a little confused, out of a dream I don't really remember. Now, I just can't go back to sleep but that's nothing worrying, it's my usual way. I have slept just so much at my mother's house this weekend that it's expected for me not to be able to sleep well for a bit after.

I went back home last weekend. Last time I went back was a month before, for my birthday and it had only been a quick visit. I went home for dinner then came back to Montreal to sleep. Last time I went back to really spend a weekend was almost two months ago. This weekend I saw my uncles and aunts, all asked what I was up to, what I was doing, how I was managing in school, how I was managing through life. Pretty much everyone avoided the love topic, my mother having already told them about my breakup. However I didn't avoid the love topic when talking with my mother. Getting her point of view face to face on what had happened was reassuring, soothing. She gave me some sound advice, the kind only a mother can give.

I realised that I was ripe for a little hometown trip. The city had started getting to me. I had begun experiencing the kind of loneliness you only can feel when in the city. Also, I needed just some time to step back from everything. April 2005 will have been one hellish month. I know, though, that there's better days to come, that this is a new month and it will bring some new, grand, exciting things. I'm hopeful. Or maybe I'm just naive.

I'm giving up on love for a while. I don't know if I should be writing 'I'm giving up on romance' instead, because love is such a vast paradigm. I don't know. It's romantic love I'm giving up on. I am not letting go of the love I have for my family and friends. I guess I'm just shutting down this part of me that could love another person. Just for a while.

It's 5 am and I'm staring at this screen. I'm having one of those moments. I was fine before going to bed. Now I feel sad again. I don't know how to deal with this feeling. Time will do it's thing, if I believe what everybody has been telling me.

Had I a driver's licence and a car I would just get out and drive away. Go far, see the coast, leave this sadness behind. Find myself just for a while. See the sunrise and spend the day waiting for it to set. Good thing I can't drive, 'cause that would be just fleeing my problems.

Love (or the lack thereof). The simplest thing in life can sometime be so difficult, so hard, so painful.