I Believe I'm Angry

Yes, I am angry.

I am angry at you. At the way you act, at the way you never tell me things. I am angry because you have been pretending to love me for weeks instead of just telling me you didn't love me anymore.

I am angry because of the way you never replied when I asked you what was wrong. I am angry at the fact that you made me question myself just so much. Oh how I have wondered if maybe I was being too paranoid, if I were just trying to control things that were out of my control. I am angry because all this time I felt really bad and I knew something was wrong. You knew it too. You just never told me.

I am angry because if what you said is true, then when you asked me about us moving in together you knew you didn't love me.

I am angry because you didn't even have the balls to tell me it was over. You need time to think. Fine. But, really, who are you kidding. You're not in love with me. Sure, you love me. As a friend. As someone you enjoy having in your life but don't want to be a part of your future, to be your half, your partner, the one to pick you up and make you fly higher.

Do you know how it feels to be told that the person you are in love with was "trying to love you". Does this mean you were pretending when kissing me?

You didn't tell me sooner that you didn't love me anymore to avoid hurting me. You don't seem to realise that telling me now only makes it hitting harder. January, February, you were really into it, so you said. This makes almost a month and a half of not being in love with me.

Does that mean what you wrote in my birthday card was wishful thinking, just things you wished you felt and not actually what you mean?

I am angry because I had to comfort you while you were leaving me. I had to help you get your thoughts out in the open. "It's so hard putting this in words," you said. It's not hard, what's hard is admitting the truth, telling what's real.

I am angry because I would want to be able to cry you out of my system, out of my body, out of my mind. But I can't. I know that I'll be crashing really soon. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. But when I finally crash it'll hurt badly. It's not the 3 months I'll be bleeding out, it'll be the almost two years you were in my life. From the moment I was introduced to you to the moment I had to unlock the door so you would just leave instead of staring into my eyes blankly, as if you were waiting for me to say something.

So thank you. Thank you for trying to love me. Thank you for making me feel like a fool, like an idiot. Thank you for making me question myself so much. Thank you for all the nights of not sleeping, all the nightmares, all the dark thoughts. Thank you. Really.

And now I just hope you'll have the spine to break it off completely really soon. I will not do like I did that dreadful summer, when I had to call you to tell you I didn't want to see you anymore. I won't make this easy for you. It's not my duty to break it up if I AM THE ONE WHO STILL LOVES YOU.

It's over, no matter what you might decide. I believe I am angry. This time, I have the right to be.