A week begins on Sunday, right? Well, this week has been full of so many things (mind you, I realise how utterly impossible it would be to be full of nothingness (or maybe it's not impossible... but I disgress)). Let's have a little review (with extra days before the beginning of the current week)
Friday: A fairly normal day at work, doing split shifts. In the morning, I happen to meet a former employer of mine. We chat, she tells me that they were looking for someone to help with their site (the job is to work on updating a website. It's work from home, around 10 hours a week). I mention that I'd love to help until the end of December but I can't since the job has to be done on the weekend. Surprise! Now, with the new version, the updating has to be done on the beginning of the week, the days I actually have off! Lovely! I tell her (they are two employers, that detail will come in handy later) that I'd really be interested. She seems happy and tells me that the other employer (the one I talked to the most) would be enchanted to have me back, as I'm good. Excellent. I tell her I'll contact them sometime in the weekend. Come home and find my course registration documents in the mailbox. Date and time of the opening of registration: Monday, november the 15th, at 6:45 in the morn. Rest of the day: uneventful.
Saturday: As usual, a really busy day at work. Barely noticed the day flying by. Around noon, I get a call at work from the other employer (see above) about the gig, telling me that she'd be happy to take me back until the end of December and giving me the details and technicalities. Lovely. After work, I go and get the documents needed.
Sunday (beginning of the current week): I go for breakfast with my best friend and her boyfriend. Completely Lovely. We laughed, we talked about everything. Things were really good. I love those people so much. Then went to work, day was fine (bearable, which is uncommon for Sundays). After that come home, have dinner and then get ready for beginning my second job. Online comes G and I chat with him for little bits at a time, all the while working. I mention how the mall Santa had arrived and how I would go see him to tell him that, for Christmas, I want G under the Christmas Tree. G tells me that he'll be under his own tree at Christmas and then the conversation shifts. He calls me and breaks up with me. Whole routine of "it's-not-you-it's-me" and etc, ending by telling me that, of course, once I'm in Montreal he'd love to see me often, as often as possible. Bang. It hurts. After the call I have to go back to work, which I do. Finally go to bed at close to 1am, knowing fully well that I have to be up at 6:30, not to miss my chance at getting the classes I want.
Monday: Alarm clock rings at 6:30. I snooze it and unvonlutarily hit the total alarm stop button. I wake up at 8. Try to register online, the website doesn't respond. So I dial the automated phone registering system. Get the line, register. Try for the german language course I wanted (The 6 credit course encompassing beginner german 1 and 2). I get a message saying that the course had been cancelled. Grr. So then I try for beginner german 1, it's open, I get the class. Cool. Then second class, German language and culture. Get it. Cool. Then I try for photo class. Already full, no other groups available. Damn. Then I try for history of jazz. Already full. DAMMIT! Then I go for photography and the art object. I get the class. I have to register for another course but I'm out of ideas. Basically, the fact that the 6 credit course was cancelled really screwed up my whole plan. In order to be registered full time, one needs a minimum of 12 credits (4 normal courses, as one standard course is 3 credits). After hunting desperately through the 8 pages of choices for extra courses, I find one that interests me: Cinematographic language. I call the service, get the line, register my class, accepted. Excellent. That's done. Then I go to cégep and to the photo lab to bring films for processing. I come back, my mother calls from downstairs asking me to come down because she had something to ask me. I get downstairs. She's crying. My uncle and aunt all have this stern look on their faces. I ask what's wrong, nobody answers. So I begin to be really frightened. Has something happened to my sister? Is someone ill? What's wrong?! Turns out my mother hurt her back (she has a history of bad back) and she's crying out of exhaustion, which is completely understandable. Go the the drugstore for her prescription, bring it to her. I'm really tired and it's mid afternoon, it all seems dark and gloomy and bleak, but I decide to go running. I really give tons to running and come back feeling quite a bit better. Then I do some work in the evening and go to bed at 9:30 (pm, obviously)
Tuesday: Wake up at 9:30, fresh as a rose. 12 hour sleep is the best sugarfree candy one could have. I work a bit during the day, I don't remember all that much about it. Then, in the afternoon I go running again. See a friend in the evening, come back home at midnight only to have another friend ask me to go watch a movie with him. I do. Come back here at 3:30 in the morn. Go to bed.
Wednesday: Up at 8. I really do not deal well with little sleep anymore. Spend most of the day feeling tired and rather miserable. Accomplish very little apart from tiny things for myself. Get, through the mail, the response from the student loans: I got my loan. Happy Happy and such great news. I go to meet my employers and bring the work early evening. Then come back here, have dinner. Sister arrives out of the blue, has dinner with us, then we play PS2. I had called a friend of mine in the morning, because I wanted to ask him about flats in Montreal and neighbourhoods and the like. Got the answerphone and purposefully left a vague message saying I had a question to ask. He calls back when I'm off to my employers, very intrigued, asking me what it was. Then he says that if I'm still looking for a place to live in Montreal he'd have a phone number to give me. I call him back, we chat and arrange for lunch next monday and he gives me the phone number. I call the people, they seem rather cool and I agree to meet them early december, when the flat will be available. Go to bed at 8.
Thursday (today!): Wake up at 7. Again, totally delighted at so much sleep. Split shifts for me once again so I leave for work. Excellent morning, ultra busy. Then, after morning shift I go hunting for a winter jacket. Go to one place, am not sure. Go to a second place, find an item I really like. Ask for advice from one of the sales people, she's ultra helpful (really) and I'm close to sure I want the jacket, but still need a bit of opinion. In walks a coworker of mine, I motion him over, he loves the jacket too, checks for the fabric and etc, all fine. I buy the jacket. The first time I ever buy myself a winter jacket. I feel so responsible. Come home, have a bite and go running again. Come back from running feeling so zen. I am getting addicted to running. Then work again tonight.
20041118
20041111
Avoiding The One Who Makes Me Weak At The Knees
The sunday following the post about the guy I'd like to get to know, I arrived at the mall a bit early because my only ride to work was early. I went to get coffee and guess who also arrived at that moment. The guy. We greeted and that was mostly it. It all seemed a bit bizarre. He left to go to his store. Fine. When I went across the mall to get to the bookstore I saw him standing before the doorway to his store. I took the chance to thank him about lending me the magazines. It was a bit cold and I didn't feel an opening for chatting more about it or about other stuff. Said goodday and went my way.
The next evening I took the decision to try and avoid seeing him as much as possible (took that decision after seeing him walk across the street and feeling my heart skip a beat). I figure I have enough confusion in matters of the heart not to add to it by forcing myself to see the guy who makes me weak at the knees (and who obviously doesn't give a damn about me). It all seemed to work very well and I had pretty much forgot about the whole thing. Even passing in front of his store didn't do anything to me. Cured, I was!
But of course, things never end just like that. Today, I had not brought a lunch to work (I made one this morning, but then felt really hungry and ate it :D). During my supper-hour I made my way to the grocery store, all the way across the mall, in order to get some food. On my way there I stopped at the newly opened videogame store to check if they had Katamari Damacy. They did. It was cheap. I bought it. (HAPPY!) So, grocery store. I was listening to I Am X on my MP3 player and making my way to the prepared food aisle. Guess who I ran across? The guy, of course. We greeted and exchanged pleasantries about food and lunches. Then I paid and left.
Of course my knees went weak when I saw him. I really wonder why I have to keep bumping into him randomly. It all seems like a cruel joke. Random chats with one who doesn't see me.
Am I still gonna try to avoid him? You bet.
The next evening I took the decision to try and avoid seeing him as much as possible (took that decision after seeing him walk across the street and feeling my heart skip a beat). I figure I have enough confusion in matters of the heart not to add to it by forcing myself to see the guy who makes me weak at the knees (and who obviously doesn't give a damn about me). It all seemed to work very well and I had pretty much forgot about the whole thing. Even passing in front of his store didn't do anything to me. Cured, I was!
But of course, things never end just like that. Today, I had not brought a lunch to work (I made one this morning, but then felt really hungry and ate it :D). During my supper-hour I made my way to the grocery store, all the way across the mall, in order to get some food. On my way there I stopped at the newly opened videogame store to check if they had Katamari Damacy. They did. It was cheap. I bought it. (HAPPY!) So, grocery store. I was listening to I Am X on my MP3 player and making my way to the prepared food aisle. Guess who I ran across? The guy, of course. We greeted and exchanged pleasantries about food and lunches. Then I paid and left.
Of course my knees went weak when I saw him. I really wonder why I have to keep bumping into him randomly. It all seems like a cruel joke. Random chats with one who doesn't see me.
Am I still gonna try to avoid him? You bet.
20041102
Admitted!
Hello World! I was admitted at UQAM!
This is so completely great news. What's best is that I was admitted in all three of my program choices. Upon thinking them through, I will go with what was my last choice. I will do a certificate in German. It has been a while since I studied a language and I miss it. Also, I think I need to distance myself from creation for a bit, to reflect on where I want to go next.
Wind is turning, roll on winter! :D
This is so completely great news. What's best is that I was admitted in all three of my program choices. Upon thinking them through, I will go with what was my last choice. I will do a certificate in German. It has been a while since I studied a language and I miss it. Also, I think I need to distance myself from creation for a bit, to reflect on where I want to go next.
Wind is turning, roll on winter! :D
20041025
Focus
Something rather primordial has hit me sometime ago. It's really important yet seems and appears so simple, much like the key one's searching for all through the house, only to realise it was in their pocket all along.
I don't exactly know how or why, but for so long I've been trying to be something else, to do something else, all the time. Trying to be good at everything, to make my life into something it's not. Trying to study things that I have never really done before, thinking I would rock at it. Constantly.
I was having another period of questionning and one morning I woke up, having realised something. I need to focus. Plain and simple. Focus my energy, my efforts into matters I know, matters that aliment me. What has been plaguing me for a long time was the need to overextend myself, to be everything. Of course, I can't be that. I can't be good at everything (and I really am not). It's certain that I am good at certain things though, it's on those things I need to focus.
Found that key last week, feeling much calmer since then.
I don't exactly know how or why, but for so long I've been trying to be something else, to do something else, all the time. Trying to be good at everything, to make my life into something it's not. Trying to study things that I have never really done before, thinking I would rock at it. Constantly.
I was having another period of questionning and one morning I woke up, having realised something. I need to focus. Plain and simple. Focus my energy, my efforts into matters I know, matters that aliment me. What has been plaguing me for a long time was the need to overextend myself, to be everything. Of course, I can't be that. I can't be good at everything (and I really am not). It's certain that I am good at certain things though, it's on those things I need to focus.
Found that key last week, feeling much calmer since then.
20041021
I Would Like To Get To Know You
There's this boy who works in the same mall as me. He seems really nice, smart and all. Since I returned to the bookstore in early spring, I have been bumping into him randomly. Then once he came to the bookstore looking for this very cool, artsy-deep comic book. After that, we started chatting smalltalk while we were both getting coffees at the coffeeshop in the mall. It would happen every now and again. It then culminated when he came to the bookstore again looking for Andreas Bitesnich's latest book, On Form. We didn't have the book, because it is not distributed through french canadian distribution channels. So he left the bookstore.
A month and a half, if not two, went by without bumping into him. I would see him on the street, from afar, but that would be it.
Last thursday, my mother was having her day off and wanted to go shopping with me. What was supposed to be one little store finally ended up being a couple of stores and then going to the mall. It was early in the day and I was nearly straight out of bed so I just grabbed whatever pants were available and went shopping like that, unshaven and really not looking hot. Reaching the end of my mother's shopping intention we left the mall and passed in front of the store where the guy works. He was standing in the entrance to his store. I waved to him, he waved back.
Went back home, shaved and did everything I could to look decent for work. I arrived earlier to the mall that evening, wanting to get a coffee and fill out my second application form in order to mail it before heading towards the bookstore. As I was completing the form someone waved their hand in front of my face. It was him. Asked me what I was doing, I replied. Then invited him to sit down. We talked for about 5-10 minutes, about school and our lifesituations in general. Time to go to work arrived. We left but before leaving I mentioned having made a bit of googling on the photographer whose book he came to buy the time prior. Having mentionned that I liked his work, he said: "I'll bring you magazines featuring his work then". Yeah, alright, whatever I'm sure he meant.
Next day, I go to get a coffee before work (I have mentionned being a bit of a coffee junkie before, no?) and head to work, haven't seen the guy. There were quite a lot of people in the bookstore that evening. Out of the blue, the guy walks in the bookstore, carrying a plastic bag and having a grin on his face. After I'm done with my customer I go to see him. He hands me the bag, saying those were the magazines. Tells me to give him my opinion on the stuff. I say thanks and introduce myself (I didn't know his name before and neither did he mine). After that he leaves.
Being a rather fast reader I went through the sections of the magazines on Andreas Bitesnich that same evening and so I was ready to bring back the magazines to him the next day. During my lunch time, at noon, a Saturday, I head out of the bookstore to bring him his belongings. I had three scenarios planned out. If he was working at that moment and felt there was an opening for more conversation and seeing each other outside of the mall, I would give him my phone number so we could have a chat. If he was working but I felt there was no opening, I would just hand him the bag, thank him and walk away. If it turned out he wasn't working I would slip a little note in the bag, saying: "Thanks a lot! -Oli P.S. How about a chat?". So I go to the bookstore and he's not working. As he had said to do in case he wasn't there, I went to a coworker of his and hand her the bag, saying I was bringing it back to him. Subtlely slipped the note inside the bag and gave it to her, then left.
So that's it. That's where I stand at the moment. Haven't seen him since then. The thing is, he is really the kind of person I'd like to get to know. I would definitely like having a new guy friend in this town.
A month and a half, if not two, went by without bumping into him. I would see him on the street, from afar, but that would be it.
Last thursday, my mother was having her day off and wanted to go shopping with me. What was supposed to be one little store finally ended up being a couple of stores and then going to the mall. It was early in the day and I was nearly straight out of bed so I just grabbed whatever pants were available and went shopping like that, unshaven and really not looking hot. Reaching the end of my mother's shopping intention we left the mall and passed in front of the store where the guy works. He was standing in the entrance to his store. I waved to him, he waved back.
Went back home, shaved and did everything I could to look decent for work. I arrived earlier to the mall that evening, wanting to get a coffee and fill out my second application form in order to mail it before heading towards the bookstore. As I was completing the form someone waved their hand in front of my face. It was him. Asked me what I was doing, I replied. Then invited him to sit down. We talked for about 5-10 minutes, about school and our lifesituations in general. Time to go to work arrived. We left but before leaving I mentioned having made a bit of googling on the photographer whose book he came to buy the time prior. Having mentionned that I liked his work, he said: "I'll bring you magazines featuring his work then". Yeah, alright, whatever I'm sure he meant.
Next day, I go to get a coffee before work (I have mentionned being a bit of a coffee junkie before, no?) and head to work, haven't seen the guy. There were quite a lot of people in the bookstore that evening. Out of the blue, the guy walks in the bookstore, carrying a plastic bag and having a grin on his face. After I'm done with my customer I go to see him. He hands me the bag, saying those were the magazines. Tells me to give him my opinion on the stuff. I say thanks and introduce myself (I didn't know his name before and neither did he mine). After that he leaves.
Being a rather fast reader I went through the sections of the magazines on Andreas Bitesnich that same evening and so I was ready to bring back the magazines to him the next day. During my lunch time, at noon, a Saturday, I head out of the bookstore to bring him his belongings. I had three scenarios planned out. If he was working at that moment and felt there was an opening for more conversation and seeing each other outside of the mall, I would give him my phone number so we could have a chat. If he was working but I felt there was no opening, I would just hand him the bag, thank him and walk away. If it turned out he wasn't working I would slip a little note in the bag, saying: "Thanks a lot! -Oli P.S. How about a chat?". So I go to the bookstore and he's not working. As he had said to do in case he wasn't there, I went to a coworker of his and hand her the bag, saying I was bringing it back to him. Subtlely slipped the note inside the bag and gave it to her, then left.
So that's it. That's where I stand at the moment. Haven't seen him since then. The thing is, he is really the kind of person I'd like to get to know. I would definitely like having a new guy friend in this town.
20041014
Plan B
Here's the plan of action. I will not take the patience route and wait until September 2005 to go back to school. I will not just wait out for Université de Montréal to reevaluate my file (if they actually do). I will take action.
Went to the Cégep today to get an admission brochure for UQAM. I will apply there in history of arts, since I still have two weeks left before admission closing. It's a very sensible choice for many reasons. If I still want to do film, then I'll have new university grades to up my current score, thus helping in having me accepted without having to go through the minor first. If I decide to apply in visual arts at UQAM, then I'll already be a student there which should help the process (of course I will have to present a killer portfolio, but I can work on that). Also, it means I will not go through another bout of stagnancy.
That's my plan B.
Went to the Cégep today to get an admission brochure for UQAM. I will apply there in history of arts, since I still have two weeks left before admission closing. It's a very sensible choice for many reasons. If I still want to do film, then I'll have new university grades to up my current score, thus helping in having me accepted without having to go through the minor first. If I decide to apply in visual arts at UQAM, then I'll already be a student there which should help the process (of course I will have to present a killer portfolio, but I can work on that). Also, it means I will not go through another bout of stagnancy.
That's my plan B.
20041013
The Intangible Hand Playing The Drum Machine
I have no bloody idea how I am going to make sense of that one.
With the letters I received from the university yesterday, my current plan of action appears rather brittle. As esoteric as it sounds, it feels like all of this was pre-sequenced and the tune is playing just the way it should be. The intangible hand of the forces above playing the drum machine.
On one hand, I could always wait for the university to re-evaluate my file (which "might or might not have been put on hold") all the while organising everything to move to Montreal for this coming january. If university craps out on me, then I'm in the city with no real goal and probably no real means either.
Upside: Leaving home, taking off.
Downside: I could easily mess up with so little safety margin and have to come back home (again).
On the other hand, I could follow what was the original plan, that one being going back to school in september 2005. I would apply in visual arts (you know, a real program, where i'll be able to work in sculpting and installation and medias and all that stuff) and film again, probably. I would take the time between now and march to create a killer portfolio, one that will make the evaluators go "DAMN! We have to have that kid". Paralel to that, I would start looking for a new job, a full time one, and save money. Also, I would work on my music and my guitar learning.
Upside: If well orchestrated, an excellent springboard and safetynet.
Downside: Staying home until next summer.
Understandably, there is no clear answer to this problem. No obvious way out. Yet another thing I have to figure out. Of course I want to leave here and experience a new life as soon as possible. At the same time, I really don't want to have to crawl back home, wings burned again. I want to have it so that when I leave, I will have left. No coming back (not coming back to live, I mean).
I am allowing myself a couple of days to decide which way to go. There'll be casualties whichever road I take. Damn.
Oh, I almost forgot. The datestamp on the letters from the university coincides with the day I woke up feeling my admission had been denied.
With the letters I received from the university yesterday, my current plan of action appears rather brittle. As esoteric as it sounds, it feels like all of this was pre-sequenced and the tune is playing just the way it should be. The intangible hand of the forces above playing the drum machine.
On one hand, I could always wait for the university to re-evaluate my file (which "might or might not have been put on hold") all the while organising everything to move to Montreal for this coming january. If university craps out on me, then I'm in the city with no real goal and probably no real means either.
Upside: Leaving home, taking off.
Downside: I could easily mess up with so little safety margin and have to come back home (again).
On the other hand, I could follow what was the original plan, that one being going back to school in september 2005. I would apply in visual arts (you know, a real program, where i'll be able to work in sculpting and installation and medias and all that stuff) and film again, probably. I would take the time between now and march to create a killer portfolio, one that will make the evaluators go "DAMN! We have to have that kid". Paralel to that, I would start looking for a new job, a full time one, and save money. Also, I would work on my music and my guitar learning.
Upside: If well orchestrated, an excellent springboard and safetynet.
Downside: Staying home until next summer.
Understandably, there is no clear answer to this problem. No obvious way out. Yet another thing I have to figure out. Of course I want to leave here and experience a new life as soon as possible. At the same time, I really don't want to have to crawl back home, wings burned again. I want to have it so that when I leave, I will have left. No coming back (not coming back to live, I mean).
I am allowing myself a couple of days to decide which way to go. There'll be casualties whichever road I take. Damn.
Oh, I almost forgot. The datestamp on the letters from the university coincides with the day I woke up feeling my admission had been denied.
20041012
Goddamn
Well well,
Two letters were waiting in the mailbox for me this morning. Both from the university I applied to. Both to tell me that my application had been turned down because they hadn't received the requiered payment for my admission. I made the payment for my admission request, all following the guidelines.
So I called the admission office of the university. After waiting a very long time on the phone while they were checking things in my file, I got this very unhelpful response: "We're in the process of changing systems. Now everything is scanned into the computer. Please ignore the letters you have just received and keep in mind that no admission file will be evaluated before mid-november, if not mid-december..." Then, just as security, I asked if it was safe to assume an admission if the selected program was not-limited and open. The lady told me that it was not a good idea to assume such a thing, considering that the main criterion for entry is excellency of the student record.
Now, what do I do of all this? It's certain that I have to start looking for a place to live in Montreal and that I have to get a job for the winter in order to survive, all of which knowing that I just might not even be a student this winter, invalidating mostly everything.
This sucks so much.
Two letters were waiting in the mailbox for me this morning. Both from the university I applied to. Both to tell me that my application had been turned down because they hadn't received the requiered payment for my admission. I made the payment for my admission request, all following the guidelines.
So I called the admission office of the university. After waiting a very long time on the phone while they were checking things in my file, I got this very unhelpful response: "We're in the process of changing systems. Now everything is scanned into the computer. Please ignore the letters you have just received and keep in mind that no admission file will be evaluated before mid-november, if not mid-december..." Then, just as security, I asked if it was safe to assume an admission if the selected program was not-limited and open. The lady told me that it was not a good idea to assume such a thing, considering that the main criterion for entry is excellency of the student record.
Now, what do I do of all this? It's certain that I have to start looking for a place to live in Montreal and that I have to get a job for the winter in order to survive, all of which knowing that I just might not even be a student this winter, invalidating mostly everything.
This sucks so much.
20041008
Anger
I'm feeling a lot of anger recently. Anger and frustration, both of which I am keeping inside. I am not the angry type. But this daily life is really sucking the positivity out of me.
It seems I am stuck in a cycle, a cycle that I don't understand. I am angry at myself because I am constantly bringing myself down. I am my worst enemy, really. I just can't stop this neverending series of I'm Worthless, I'm Ugly, I Suck, People Think I'm Stupid, I Am Stupid, etc. That's most probably the cause of my problem. I am underachieving because even before I begin anything I'm thinking that I just can't do it, being the talentless sucker that I am.
I am angry at this life I am living because I am not doing anything. I work part-time in a bookstore, as a cashier/clerk, I am still at home. I applied for university and I still haven't gotten a response which is beginning to really annoy and worry me. I am not well organised which means that even if I get in, it'll be problematic just to get my shit in order.
I need something drastic to change. I am really frustrated at everything. I am wondering if this will go on forever, if I'm destined to a life of mediocrity. Things must change but I just don't know what to do to make a change, one that'll be worthy. There must be a lesson to learn but I'm too blind to see it. Things have got to change really because the way this is going, I'll be wishing for someone to blow my brains out fairly soon.
And, of course I'm keeping all of this to myself because I don't want to annoy people with that.
It seems I am stuck in a cycle, a cycle that I don't understand. I am angry at myself because I am constantly bringing myself down. I am my worst enemy, really. I just can't stop this neverending series of I'm Worthless, I'm Ugly, I Suck, People Think I'm Stupid, I Am Stupid, etc. That's most probably the cause of my problem. I am underachieving because even before I begin anything I'm thinking that I just can't do it, being the talentless sucker that I am.
I am angry at this life I am living because I am not doing anything. I work part-time in a bookstore, as a cashier/clerk, I am still at home. I applied for university and I still haven't gotten a response which is beginning to really annoy and worry me. I am not well organised which means that even if I get in, it'll be problematic just to get my shit in order.
I need something drastic to change. I am really frustrated at everything. I am wondering if this will go on forever, if I'm destined to a life of mediocrity. Things must change but I just don't know what to do to make a change, one that'll be worthy. There must be a lesson to learn but I'm too blind to see it. Things have got to change really because the way this is going, I'll be wishing for someone to blow my brains out fairly soon.
And, of course I'm keeping all of this to myself because I don't want to annoy people with that.
Just A Thought
Normally, I shouldn't be thinking about going back to something that once didn't work out. Never go back, they say. Still, for some reason, I've been thinking about what it would be like to go back to Sherbrooke to redo my certificate in visual arts...
Last time, many things went wrong. I was unmotivated, I didn't work as hard as I should have, I let myself be destroyed by my flatmate-from-hell, I was depressed and un-energetic and, most important, I thought I was a Worthless Piece Of Shit.
From that, I got a really sucky university gradecard (1 failed course, 1 D, 1 C, 2 B) and the impression that if I want to apply somewhere to do a real bachelor's degree in visual arts I'll be turned down as quickly as you can shout DROP-OUT!!
So, I was thinking, with me being a year wiser, what would it be like to just go back, swallow my pride, accept the fact that it's far from being the best and most stimulating program and just get on with it, be the smart, strong and creative person I know I can be/I am and just do it.
It's just a thought, only a thought.
Last time, many things went wrong. I was unmotivated, I didn't work as hard as I should have, I let myself be destroyed by my flatmate-from-hell, I was depressed and un-energetic and, most important, I thought I was a Worthless Piece Of Shit.
From that, I got a really sucky university gradecard (1 failed course, 1 D, 1 C, 2 B) and the impression that if I want to apply somewhere to do a real bachelor's degree in visual arts I'll be turned down as quickly as you can shout DROP-OUT!!
So, I was thinking, with me being a year wiser, what would it be like to just go back, swallow my pride, accept the fact that it's far from being the best and most stimulating program and just get on with it, be the smart, strong and creative person I know I can be/I am and just do it.
It's just a thought, only a thought.
20041005
Back On Track (Mostly)
The day after last post, I got better. Woke up and within an hour it seemed all the negative energy had left my innerself. Motivation, inspiration and even joy came back. Lovely.
But then, none of my real problems are solved. I am still very low on cash and I don't really have any savings as of now. I am not working enough hours to really save up that much but then I can't find a second job as they have started giving me shifts in the middle of the week, changing every week. Still no news from the university, which means I simply don't know if I got in or not.
This morning, I woke up with the gut feeling that my admission to university was denied. That got me thinking: if I am not admitted, what will I do? I have no plan B on this. I am not down and I will not stress about that until I know for sure.
So basically I'm back to my good self again, but none of the problems are solved.
And I still have the feeling something major is going to happen shortly...
But then, none of my real problems are solved. I am still very low on cash and I don't really have any savings as of now. I am not working enough hours to really save up that much but then I can't find a second job as they have started giving me shifts in the middle of the week, changing every week. Still no news from the university, which means I simply don't know if I got in or not.
This morning, I woke up with the gut feeling that my admission to university was denied. That got me thinking: if I am not admitted, what will I do? I have no plan B on this. I am not down and I will not stress about that until I know for sure.
So basically I'm back to my good self again, but none of the problems are solved.
And I still have the feeling something major is going to happen shortly...
20041001
Combination Cabin Fever
I am simply going out of my mind. Slowly. Cabin fever is setting in. I've been back home for over 9 months now. I know it means there are only 3 to go (maybe even a bit less), but at this point, it kinda feels permanent. Completely freaky.
I have had rather scary moments recently. I woke up one morning about two weeks ago and I felt as though I had been robbed of all reasons to live. Suddenly, boom!, nothing. I began wondering what was my motivation, what kept me pushing forward. Didn't find an answer. Useless, I felt so completely useless. Talentless. Worthless. Completely.
Then, with my dear friend Emi, we went to see G and have lunch with him. It was heaven. A great day. Tons of fun with the added bonus of G being moderately demonstrative, taking my hand, hugging me. Came back here and my other dear friend left a message saying that she was going to Montreal the next day and that if I wanted the ride it would be a nice occasion for me to see G. I went. G and I spent the whole evening walking about, while my friend was at a show. I was walking next to him and just wanted to hug him, kiss him. I didn't. He was colder than before. I felt that something had shifted inside him. I couldn't say why or what it was. Then I left him at a metro station, he went one way, I went the other, to meet my friends at another station. Came back to town and on the way made a stop at a coffee shop. I felt sad, didn't know why, couldn't explain.
The next day was the top of the feeling useless days: I felt completely hollow. At work I hid it as much as possible, serving the customers impeccably. The day went by slowly and my mother was picking me up afterwards. We were to go buy fresh produce at a farm 15 minutes away from town. I had only been in the car 5 minutes and I completely broke down crying. Shattered and clueless. Cried for me missing G like crazy, cried for feeling completely useless and talentless, cried for me going out of my mind. Went to bed early that night.
Then, for the whole of this week, I've been keeping busy. Working as much as possible: working on my music, working on drawings, writings. But cabin fever has really set in. It sometimes feel like I'm just really going to implode.
I have had rather scary moments recently. I woke up one morning about two weeks ago and I felt as though I had been robbed of all reasons to live. Suddenly, boom!, nothing. I began wondering what was my motivation, what kept me pushing forward. Didn't find an answer. Useless, I felt so completely useless. Talentless. Worthless. Completely.
Then, with my dear friend Emi, we went to see G and have lunch with him. It was heaven. A great day. Tons of fun with the added bonus of G being moderately demonstrative, taking my hand, hugging me. Came back here and my other dear friend left a message saying that she was going to Montreal the next day and that if I wanted the ride it would be a nice occasion for me to see G. I went. G and I spent the whole evening walking about, while my friend was at a show. I was walking next to him and just wanted to hug him, kiss him. I didn't. He was colder than before. I felt that something had shifted inside him. I couldn't say why or what it was. Then I left him at a metro station, he went one way, I went the other, to meet my friends at another station. Came back to town and on the way made a stop at a coffee shop. I felt sad, didn't know why, couldn't explain.
The next day was the top of the feeling useless days: I felt completely hollow. At work I hid it as much as possible, serving the customers impeccably. The day went by slowly and my mother was picking me up afterwards. We were to go buy fresh produce at a farm 15 minutes away from town. I had only been in the car 5 minutes and I completely broke down crying. Shattered and clueless. Cried for me missing G like crazy, cried for feeling completely useless and talentless, cried for me going out of my mind. Went to bed early that night.
Then, for the whole of this week, I've been keeping busy. Working as much as possible: working on my music, working on drawings, writings. But cabin fever has really set in. It sometimes feel like I'm just really going to implode.
20040909
About The Time Camera
The Time camera is a little thing I bought in a thrift shop (for 2$CDN!). All made of plastic (including the lens), that beast is light as a feather and looks (if you look quickly) like a decent rangefinder. Upon closer inspection though, it truly just is a plastic point&shooter. It does have an aperture selection ring, ranging from sunny to cloudy in four increments (16, 11, 8, 5.6), which I broke while selecting the aperture with a bit too much enthusiasm. Now the thing is stuck at 5.6. Oh well.
20040908
Note To Self...
Early this evening, I went out for a little photowalk. I finished the roll of film that was in my camera (I had half of it left, so that's 12 shots, thank you) and walked back here, that was it. Then, a bit later, I went shopping for a frame. On the way to the shop, I saw the most insanely beautiful sky I had seen.
What was it I had not brought with me?
My Camera.
Odd thing is, I always (or nearly) carry a camera around. If it's not my SLR, then it will be my little digicam or if not then it's another one. But I constantly have a camera around, except the one time when I see a sky beautiful like that.
Note To Self: Carry Camera At All Times!
What was it I had not brought with me?
My Camera.
Odd thing is, I always (or nearly) carry a camera around. If it's not my SLR, then it will be my little digicam or if not then it's another one. But I constantly have a camera around, except the one time when I see a sky beautiful like that.
Note To Self: Carry Camera At All Times!
20040907
The Shifts
I don't have a one-track mind. I have multiple interests in life, all of which, when they are spotlighted, take over my mind. But they always switch, my attention shifts to the other interest and that's it. I have phases. It would be fine if it were phases related to my tastes of music or food or something like that. But it's phases about the main interests in my life, about what I want to do, etc. For instance, I love litterature, photography, visual arts, cinema, industrial design, etc. Related disciplines, you might say. The trouble with that lies in the fact that when my one of the interests takes over, it truly takes over. I become near-obsessed with it, more or less leaving the others behind.
It used to be really disturbing. I would be in cinema mode for three weeks, frantically working on my screenplay and then, I'd wake up one morning and the sheer idea of my screenplay would conjure up nausea. The same day, I would begin something else, be it a sculpture or a sudden need for deep research in the field of object design of the past century; it would go on for a couple of weeks, then shift. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
For the first months after I came back home from my oh-so-riveting university experience, I was shifting a lot. Really wondering what I wanted to do, changing mind every couple of days. The shifting slowed down in last April, when I bought my Nikon SLR. Somehow, I managed to stay in non-exclusive photo mode for days, weeks and months. I would be able to write and be interested in other things while still being highly interested in photography. That's not a first, but that's certainly an excellent thing.
Side note: The only other occurence of multi-mode I have had was back in Cégep, when I would be having writing courses and I would also work on videos and etc. That was true multi-mode, but I guess it was context forced.
Pretty astonishing is the fact that the multi-mode is not forced this time. I have been shifting less and less, doing other things collaboratively instead of exclusively.
If I start a band, I'll name it The Shifts. ;)
It used to be really disturbing. I would be in cinema mode for three weeks, frantically working on my screenplay and then, I'd wake up one morning and the sheer idea of my screenplay would conjure up nausea. The same day, I would begin something else, be it a sculpture or a sudden need for deep research in the field of object design of the past century; it would go on for a couple of weeks, then shift. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
For the first months after I came back home from my oh-so-riveting university experience, I was shifting a lot. Really wondering what I wanted to do, changing mind every couple of days. The shifting slowed down in last April, when I bought my Nikon SLR. Somehow, I managed to stay in non-exclusive photo mode for days, weeks and months. I would be able to write and be interested in other things while still being highly interested in photography. That's not a first, but that's certainly an excellent thing.
Side note: The only other occurence of multi-mode I have had was back in Cégep, when I would be having writing courses and I would also work on videos and etc. That was true multi-mode, but I guess it was context forced.
Pretty astonishing is the fact that the multi-mode is not forced this time. I have been shifting less and less, doing other things collaboratively instead of exclusively.
If I start a band, I'll name it The Shifts. ;)
20040903
September
I love autumn. I truly do. Every single bit of it, I adore. The sublte changes in the colour of the light in late august and early september, the sunflowers abounding, the coolness and intensity of the weather, the escalation of reds and oranges on tree leaves, the peak of colour in late october and then the rain and the soft, deep greens and greys of november.
Yesterday, it felt like September. Don't ask me why. I was walking outside and just thought: "it really feels like September". It might have been the smells, the sun or even my watch indicating that we are now in the ninth month of the year. Whatever the reason is, it felt like September. I enjoy that immensely. I love autumn, have I mentionned it before?
Of course, I'd love to be back in school already and I'd really love to be able to share this season with G. Unfortunately, neither is possible at the moment. I'm going back to school this winter. As for sharing the season with G, well, I guess that will be half possible, since we keep in contact and call each other nearly daily. I miss him lots. Tons. I never actually imagined that it would be possible to feel such things, such simple things, in such simple ways. It's beautiful, I think.
By the way, have I said that I love autumn?
Yesterday, it felt like September. Don't ask me why. I was walking outside and just thought: "it really feels like September". It might have been the smells, the sun or even my watch indicating that we are now in the ninth month of the year. Whatever the reason is, it felt like September. I enjoy that immensely. I love autumn, have I mentionned it before?
Of course, I'd love to be back in school already and I'd really love to be able to share this season with G. Unfortunately, neither is possible at the moment. I'm going back to school this winter. As for sharing the season with G, well, I guess that will be half possible, since we keep in contact and call each other nearly daily. I miss him lots. Tons. I never actually imagined that it would be possible to feel such things, such simple things, in such simple ways. It's beautiful, I think.
By the way, have I said that I love autumn?
20040902
Tidbit
This is the famously known huge neon sign of a greasy spoon joint. At night, through the miracle of modern electronics, the hot dogs goes back and forth from his mouth to the position shown here.
20040829
Love Through A Straw
Sometimes, it becomes really difficult for me to summarize my thoughts and feelings. Like right now, for instance. There's a lot I want to write about, but nothing seems to be getting along well with words. It's been like that for a week. I put off writing here because I cannot make sense of my thoughts in another language than my own. That's what happens sometimes.
I miss the man I love
The telephone is colder than anything
Not phobic but afraid of pushing the other away
This lack of physical contact makes the fear all the more tangible
I'm not feeling down or blue or sad I guess I just wonder
All the beauty all those feelings and the intensity
The prospect of living love through a straw
For the next four months
I miss the man I love
The telephone is colder than anything
Not phobic but afraid of pushing the other away
This lack of physical contact makes the fear all the more tangible
I'm not feeling down or blue or sad I guess I just wonder
All the beauty all those feelings and the intensity
The prospect of living love through a straw
For the next four months
20040823
Those Days
You know, the days when you just don't feel like doing anything. Those days when you just feel like lounging around your dwelling, doing whatever you want to do. Today is one of those days.
This morning, I have to go to training, then come back here. After that, a friend is supposed to call and we are supposed to go watch a movie or chat around or something like that. Then, in the evening, I'm pretty sure something will turn up, as far as stuff to do goes. Also, I will have to keep a phone handy all evening because I am waiting for a call.
But then, all I really want to do today is paint. Play recluse and finish the work I have in progress. Finish painting and then get around to the writing I've been putting off: polishing and reorganizing my poetry book to (finally!) send it out to an editor, working on my screenplay in order to complete it sometime before year 2011, organizing the new poetry that will be part of the next book, etc.
What I want to do is get work done, alone, without interruptions or distractions. But that seldom happens, my mind butterflying to every little sparkle that appear (appears? I really have to brush up on my english grammar...) around me. A lot of that has to do with self-discipline, I'm certain. For instance, at this moment, instead of writing on how I want to get work done and etc, I could already be on my way to the gym, then train well, clear my head in the process, come back, have lunch and get to work.
So yeah, I am getting off my amorphous ass this second and I'm gonna kickstart that day.
Go.
This morning, I have to go to training, then come back here. After that, a friend is supposed to call and we are supposed to go watch a movie or chat around or something like that. Then, in the evening, I'm pretty sure something will turn up, as far as stuff to do goes. Also, I will have to keep a phone handy all evening because I am waiting for a call.
But then, all I really want to do today is paint. Play recluse and finish the work I have in progress. Finish painting and then get around to the writing I've been putting off: polishing and reorganizing my poetry book to (finally!) send it out to an editor, working on my screenplay in order to complete it sometime before year 2011, organizing the new poetry that will be part of the next book, etc.
What I want to do is get work done, alone, without interruptions or distractions. But that seldom happens, my mind butterflying to every little sparkle that appear (appears? I really have to brush up on my english grammar...) around me. A lot of that has to do with self-discipline, I'm certain. For instance, at this moment, instead of writing on how I want to get work done and etc, I could already be on my way to the gym, then train well, clear my head in the process, come back, have lunch and get to work.
So yeah, I am getting off my amorphous ass this second and I'm gonna kickstart that day.
Go.
20040819
La vie en rose: mode d'emploi
At work tonight, I came upon a book titled: "La vie en rose: mode d'emploi". Definitely cute and heartwarming. It gives suggestions (over 500 of them!) on how to live a happy life.
Reading it, I noticed that I'm quite on the right track as to how to keep myself happy. Doing simple things and enjoying them, smiling to people and really mean it, enjoying every moment of work, cooking pancakes for my best friends, etc. Maybe that's why I'm not negative and gloomy anymore. Maybe I have found ways to get back to what's really important. Of course I am not constantly happy, joyful and perky. Sometimes, I just feel "okay". And that's just fine. After three year of constant bad days, being "okay" is being on top of the world.
I can't help but marvel at the beauty of being well, not being depressed and knowing that it's going to stay that way for a long time.
Intense beauty. I love it.
Reading it, I noticed that I'm quite on the right track as to how to keep myself happy. Doing simple things and enjoying them, smiling to people and really mean it, enjoying every moment of work, cooking pancakes for my best friends, etc. Maybe that's why I'm not negative and gloomy anymore. Maybe I have found ways to get back to what's really important. Of course I am not constantly happy, joyful and perky. Sometimes, I just feel "okay". And that's just fine. After three year of constant bad days, being "okay" is being on top of the world.
I can't help but marvel at the beauty of being well, not being depressed and knowing that it's going to stay that way for a long time.
Intense beauty. I love it.
The Matter With First Names And Details
After recapping for about two hours yesterday, i began to wonder: is it okay to name the people in my story by their first name? Should i just use the first letter of their first names or should i just change their names altogether?
I was wondering about that because, you know, if my friends actually read this, they might go: "hey! he's talking about me!", but then again, the people who read this who do not happen to be close friends with me will have no clue whatsoever as to who are the people i'm writing about. I guess it's all good really. Plus, i'm thinking that it's my life i'm sharing, not other people's so i guess it's alright to name the people in my stories by first names.
Another matter that i wonder about is whether or not i give too much detail when i tell a story. In real life i have this tendency to make tons of parentheses to whatever it is that i am saying, explaining everything, going into intricate detail about the current matter. I can imagine it being annoying to some. On the other hand, the people who might be annoyed by that would be the types to tell me stone cold to just skim it, so it's okay in that respect.
Anybody got an opinion on that?
I was wondering about that because, you know, if my friends actually read this, they might go: "hey! he's talking about me!", but then again, the people who read this who do not happen to be close friends with me will have no clue whatsoever as to who are the people i'm writing about. I guess it's all good really. Plus, i'm thinking that it's my life i'm sharing, not other people's so i guess it's alright to name the people in my stories by first names.
Another matter that i wonder about is whether or not i give too much detail when i tell a story. In real life i have this tendency to make tons of parentheses to whatever it is that i am saying, explaining everything, going into intricate detail about the current matter. I can imagine it being annoying to some. On the other hand, the people who might be annoyed by that would be the types to tell me stone cold to just skim it, so it's okay in that respect.
Anybody got an opinion on that?
20040818
recap (part 2)
(continued from previous post)
I was sleeping at Emilie's that night. Of course, as i got to bed, my mind was racing, i kept on thinking about my internet friend (let's call him G), about how i wanted to see him again, etc. Then, as i finally had gotten to sleep, Emilie's cat and her roommate's decided to race one another and, apparently, the bed where i was sleeping was part of their racetrack. Needless to say, i didn't sleep much that night. The following day was weird, i was ultra euphoric. And during that weird, ultra euphoric day, something dawned on me. It hit me like a ton of brick that i didn't want to go and study computer science, that i didn't want to stay in this town another whole year (let alone three!!) and that instead of always being such a coward i should get off my pink ass and do what i really want to do, it being studying film.
It took a couple of days for it to really sink through my mind, that i was shifting goals once more, that i was setting my departure in the last week of this coming december instead of next august, that i was going back to university in 5 months. Then, i checked on the Université de Montréal website: The minor in film studies is open and you can begin the program in both autumn and winter. How completely perfect! I can begin with the minor and get good grades, then transfer to the major and do it! Ideal!
So, with this new shift in priorities, i tried to get a couple of courses in cégep in order to fill the time between now and january. I couldn't get the courses though, as all that interested me were offered in the winter and by this winter i'll be back in uni, so it kinda defeats the purpose of filling the time before uni.
By friday, two days after the montrealtrip, the plan was crystal clear and fixed in my head (it doesn't take that much time for stuff to sink in my mind...). Parallel to that, i really wanted to speak to G again. I had told myself that i'd call him on friday night, before work. On friday morning, while i was training at the gym, i decided that i couldn't wait any longer and that i'd call as soon as i'd be home, to ask if i could call him on that night (crafty, ain't i). I did call, and we did agree on speaking that same night. Then we started phoning regularly.
The weekend came to an end and i really wanted to see him again. So the plan was that i would take the bus the next wednesday morning and go to spend the day with him. After telling that to him on the phone, i hung up and noticed there was a message on the answerphone. It was a friend of mine, who didn't know a thing about the current matter, telling me that she had to go to Montréal on tuesday and that if i wanted to go with her she'd be delighted. Ping! So, after talking to G again, it seemed that i was going to sleepover at his place on tuesday night and come back home the next evening.
The "27hours with G" was great, even though conditions were rather ackward. I had been ill in the night from monday to tuesday, he suddenly developped a cold, etc. Yet, things went quite well! Only a few things he said or a few things i had done kept on running in my mind. I was thinking that maybe i talked to much, maybe i revealed too much, etc. And from other things he said, i thought that as soon as i was out of his presence i'd be non-existent in his mind. But no. Things sorted themselves out. He was the first to call. Lovely.
The past weekend, we had kinda agreed that i would come to see him on the upcoming wednesday (i.e. today, as i'm typing this post). But then he called on monday morning to tell me that it was a no-go. That day i had a little case of the blues, for no particular reason. I called him back, he was in a hurry, we postponed our telephone conversation until the evening.
My mother came back from work that day saying that we should go see her aunt. I suggested that she'd call to ask if she had had dinner and if not we'd bring some food and join her. She invited us over for dinner. I brought my camera. Her aunt lives at the vineyard. As we arrived there, i noticed some stuff that i wanted to photograph. I went kinda crazy and my blues went away. It had been close to a month since the last time i had used my SLR and in that evening, i went through a roll and a half of film. It was a great evening: great dinner, great talks, great picture-taking. Great everything. We came back here and i called G, saying that i'd come over the next morning and leave either on the same night or the following morning.
Tuesday morning, i had second thoughts as to whether i should go. I called Emilie and she motivated me about going, so i went. A great great day it was. He picked me up at the terminal, we walked together, then went back to his place, watched a movie, cuddled, chatted, laughed. Then we left early in the evening and went to mount royal. As we were walking in the trails he'd sometimes take my hand, just for a moment. We came down from the walking and decided to go for a beer to this nice pub. Chatted a lot there also. There was still sometime left after that so we went walking up to another park, walked through it and then went back to the station. As we came upon a little neighbourhood park, he grabbed my head and kissed me (it wasn't the first time, but definitively the first time he did so in an open space and out of the blue like that!). Lovely lovely. Walked back to the station, sat around a bit, then he left. Not without grabbing my hand as he left though. I got stared at by an old lady sitting across because of that. I guess it was obvious it wasn't a macho handshake. Then the bus arrived, i boarded it, listened to Múm on the way back.
So that's about it for a recap of the important events of the past two months. Who knows what will happen about me & G. One thing is for certain: i feel really really good with him.
That just can't be bad, right?
I was sleeping at Emilie's that night. Of course, as i got to bed, my mind was racing, i kept on thinking about my internet friend (let's call him G), about how i wanted to see him again, etc. Then, as i finally had gotten to sleep, Emilie's cat and her roommate's decided to race one another and, apparently, the bed where i was sleeping was part of their racetrack. Needless to say, i didn't sleep much that night. The following day was weird, i was ultra euphoric. And during that weird, ultra euphoric day, something dawned on me. It hit me like a ton of brick that i didn't want to go and study computer science, that i didn't want to stay in this town another whole year (let alone three!!) and that instead of always being such a coward i should get off my pink ass and do what i really want to do, it being studying film.
It took a couple of days for it to really sink through my mind, that i was shifting goals once more, that i was setting my departure in the last week of this coming december instead of next august, that i was going back to university in 5 months. Then, i checked on the Université de Montréal website: The minor in film studies is open and you can begin the program in both autumn and winter. How completely perfect! I can begin with the minor and get good grades, then transfer to the major and do it! Ideal!
So, with this new shift in priorities, i tried to get a couple of courses in cégep in order to fill the time between now and january. I couldn't get the courses though, as all that interested me were offered in the winter and by this winter i'll be back in uni, so it kinda defeats the purpose of filling the time before uni.
By friday, two days after the montrealtrip, the plan was crystal clear and fixed in my head (it doesn't take that much time for stuff to sink in my mind...). Parallel to that, i really wanted to speak to G again. I had told myself that i'd call him on friday night, before work. On friday morning, while i was training at the gym, i decided that i couldn't wait any longer and that i'd call as soon as i'd be home, to ask if i could call him on that night (crafty, ain't i). I did call, and we did agree on speaking that same night. Then we started phoning regularly.
The weekend came to an end and i really wanted to see him again. So the plan was that i would take the bus the next wednesday morning and go to spend the day with him. After telling that to him on the phone, i hung up and noticed there was a message on the answerphone. It was a friend of mine, who didn't know a thing about the current matter, telling me that she had to go to Montréal on tuesday and that if i wanted to go with her she'd be delighted. Ping! So, after talking to G again, it seemed that i was going to sleepover at his place on tuesday night and come back home the next evening.
The "27hours with G" was great, even though conditions were rather ackward. I had been ill in the night from monday to tuesday, he suddenly developped a cold, etc. Yet, things went quite well! Only a few things he said or a few things i had done kept on running in my mind. I was thinking that maybe i talked to much, maybe i revealed too much, etc. And from other things he said, i thought that as soon as i was out of his presence i'd be non-existent in his mind. But no. Things sorted themselves out. He was the first to call. Lovely.
The past weekend, we had kinda agreed that i would come to see him on the upcoming wednesday (i.e. today, as i'm typing this post). But then he called on monday morning to tell me that it was a no-go. That day i had a little case of the blues, for no particular reason. I called him back, he was in a hurry, we postponed our telephone conversation until the evening.
My mother came back from work that day saying that we should go see her aunt. I suggested that she'd call to ask if she had had dinner and if not we'd bring some food and join her. She invited us over for dinner. I brought my camera. Her aunt lives at the vineyard. As we arrived there, i noticed some stuff that i wanted to photograph. I went kinda crazy and my blues went away. It had been close to a month since the last time i had used my SLR and in that evening, i went through a roll and a half of film. It was a great evening: great dinner, great talks, great picture-taking. Great everything. We came back here and i called G, saying that i'd come over the next morning and leave either on the same night or the following morning.
Tuesday morning, i had second thoughts as to whether i should go. I called Emilie and she motivated me about going, so i went. A great great day it was. He picked me up at the terminal, we walked together, then went back to his place, watched a movie, cuddled, chatted, laughed. Then we left early in the evening and went to mount royal. As we were walking in the trails he'd sometimes take my hand, just for a moment. We came down from the walking and decided to go for a beer to this nice pub. Chatted a lot there also. There was still sometime left after that so we went walking up to another park, walked through it and then went back to the station. As we came upon a little neighbourhood park, he grabbed my head and kissed me (it wasn't the first time, but definitively the first time he did so in an open space and out of the blue like that!). Lovely lovely. Walked back to the station, sat around a bit, then he left. Not without grabbing my hand as he left though. I got stared at by an old lady sitting across because of that. I guess it was obvious it wasn't a macho handshake. Then the bus arrived, i boarded it, listened to Múm on the way back.
So that's about it for a recap of the important events of the past two months. Who knows what will happen about me & G. One thing is for certain: i feel really really good with him.
That just can't be bad, right?
recap (part 1)
Alright. So, as usual, i plan to update and i just don't. Mind you, it's not like anybody's really reading this or holding their breath as to whether the little boy will finally write tidbits (details, as it were) of his "riveting" life. Well, here i am, with a well-intentioned recap, in order to update more often (hmmmm, where oh where have i read that sentence before...).
Since last update (early july), a lot has changed. First off: my mood has improved significantly (tremendously would i say, had i a british accent. the british sound so good when they say that word). I am not completely sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with me waking up to the fact that a big part of my mood-swing ferriswheel was self-inflicted. The way i used to think about things, about me, about life; the constant dark voice in the back of my head telling me that no matter what, everything's gonna go wrong, that i'm not worth shit, etc (you probably know the syndrome). Realizing that, i told that bitch to shut up and leave me alone. It seems to have worked. I also started cutting myself more slack that i normally do. Letting the pressure off my own shoulders for a while. It seems that all this has worked because in a month and a half, i have been relatively stable and cheery, which is quite something. Everybody seems to be noticing, too! From my mother who said, as i was talking about good things happening: "well, you truly seem to have found your way out of the well!", to my aunt who told me how she thought that i had become quite smiley-faced and really upbeat nowadays, to friends making similar comments.
Secondly, i decided to go back to school. At first, i plotted going back to cégep (once more and again), this time to study computer science. I was really into the idea of it, i even had a meeting with an advisor, to get registered. If i were to have been admitted, it would have meant staying here for at least another year and maybe even three years, the time to finish the program. I thought it was a nice plan, i really did. But then...
Emilie (friend extraordinaire) and I had planned a couple of weeks ago to go spend a day in Montréal, like we used to do before. The planned date was August 4th. So, as the date was approaching, an internet friend of mine came online. He had been offline for a while, because he had moved from Québec to Montréal. We had never met in real life, so i asked if he'd like to spend a bit of time with Émilie and I in Montréal. He said that he'd like to. So the plan was to meet in the end of the afternoon, someplace. The plan was then set.
August 4th, early morning, i wake up and get dressed for a day in the big town. My friend picked me up around 8:30, and we left. It felt like a great day, the sun shining, good music on the radio, Emi and I shiny happy people. We arrived to Montreal and just browsed around the streets, going to bookstores, clotheshops, art material places, etc. We went for coffee about every 2 hours (hehehehe). In the afternoon, we decided to go to ExCentris. That theater only plays international and repertoire films. So we walk into the theater only to stumble on a good friend that i had not seen in a long time. It felt totally crazy. We were 30 minutes in advance for the movie and we spent it chatting together. Then we went for the movie, watched it, said goodbye to my friend and left. At that moment i felt a bit overwhelmed. My friend had spoken about her plans for the future, what she was gonna study et al (i know this seems really disconnected to the rest of the story, but i'm going somewhere with this, please hold on). I had realised at that point that i had missed her beaucoup. Emilie noticed my pensive state and just shouted: "cheer up now, god!" We went for dinner and laughed a lot, it was great. I was also waiting for a phone call from my internet friends about where we should meet. He called, we finally set a rendez-vous. Emilie and I finished having dinner and waited for the rendez-vous. Internet friend arrived and we started walking and chatting all three of us. He took us to this place in Chinatown where they serve bubble tea. It was great fun. After much talking on how we had wanted to go to a showing of Kill Bill 1 and 2 at a theater in town, the internet friend invited us over to his place to watch kill bill 2. So we did. It was tons of fun. Emilie was sitting on a sofa and i was sitting on a futon, right next to internet friend. We kept on teasing one another during the movie (Emilie slept through most of it) and at one point, he put his head on my shoulder.
Then, when the time was to leave, i shook his hand, nearly walked through the door, had second thoughts and hugged him. Then i left.
more to follow...
Since last update (early july), a lot has changed. First off: my mood has improved significantly (tremendously would i say, had i a british accent. the british sound so good when they say that word). I am not completely sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with me waking up to the fact that a big part of my mood-swing ferriswheel was self-inflicted. The way i used to think about things, about me, about life; the constant dark voice in the back of my head telling me that no matter what, everything's gonna go wrong, that i'm not worth shit, etc (you probably know the syndrome). Realizing that, i told that bitch to shut up and leave me alone. It seems to have worked. I also started cutting myself more slack that i normally do. Letting the pressure off my own shoulders for a while. It seems that all this has worked because in a month and a half, i have been relatively stable and cheery, which is quite something. Everybody seems to be noticing, too! From my mother who said, as i was talking about good things happening: "well, you truly seem to have found your way out of the well!", to my aunt who told me how she thought that i had become quite smiley-faced and really upbeat nowadays, to friends making similar comments.
Secondly, i decided to go back to school. At first, i plotted going back to cégep (once more and again), this time to study computer science. I was really into the idea of it, i even had a meeting with an advisor, to get registered. If i were to have been admitted, it would have meant staying here for at least another year and maybe even three years, the time to finish the program. I thought it was a nice plan, i really did. But then...
Emilie (friend extraordinaire) and I had planned a couple of weeks ago to go spend a day in Montréal, like we used to do before. The planned date was August 4th. So, as the date was approaching, an internet friend of mine came online. He had been offline for a while, because he had moved from Québec to Montréal. We had never met in real life, so i asked if he'd like to spend a bit of time with Émilie and I in Montréal. He said that he'd like to. So the plan was to meet in the end of the afternoon, someplace. The plan was then set.
August 4th, early morning, i wake up and get dressed for a day in the big town. My friend picked me up around 8:30, and we left. It felt like a great day, the sun shining, good music on the radio, Emi and I shiny happy people. We arrived to Montreal and just browsed around the streets, going to bookstores, clotheshops, art material places, etc. We went for coffee about every 2 hours (hehehehe). In the afternoon, we decided to go to ExCentris. That theater only plays international and repertoire films. So we walk into the theater only to stumble on a good friend that i had not seen in a long time. It felt totally crazy. We were 30 minutes in advance for the movie and we spent it chatting together. Then we went for the movie, watched it, said goodbye to my friend and left. At that moment i felt a bit overwhelmed. My friend had spoken about her plans for the future, what she was gonna study et al (i know this seems really disconnected to the rest of the story, but i'm going somewhere with this, please hold on). I had realised at that point that i had missed her beaucoup. Emilie noticed my pensive state and just shouted: "cheer up now, god!" We went for dinner and laughed a lot, it was great. I was also waiting for a phone call from my internet friends about where we should meet. He called, we finally set a rendez-vous. Emilie and I finished having dinner and waited for the rendez-vous. Internet friend arrived and we started walking and chatting all three of us. He took us to this place in Chinatown where they serve bubble tea. It was great fun. After much talking on how we had wanted to go to a showing of Kill Bill 1 and 2 at a theater in town, the internet friend invited us over to his place to watch kill bill 2. So we did. It was tons of fun. Emilie was sitting on a sofa and i was sitting on a futon, right next to internet friend. We kept on teasing one another during the movie (Emilie slept through most of it) and at one point, he put his head on my shoulder.
Then, when the time was to leave, i shook his hand, nearly walked through the door, had second thoughts and hugged him. Then i left.
more to follow...
20040708
Cameras! Yay!
I fell in love with photography about two years ago, in college, during Photo 1 (mandatory "introduction to photography" course you have when you do arts&lettres). That course gave us (in 37 hours) phototheory, the rules of shooting using black&white film, negative processing and photo printing. That course was total heaven. I loved spending hours in the dark room or hours roaming the streets, looking for subjects that would fulfill the requierements. i just loved it to bits. But, as is inevitable, the course ended (i got a great score in that class, actually :D) and i went on with life.
Back in early April, about a week after i had left my job at the factory, i went through a bit of a blue phase. I harboured the idea of fleeing to New York, to see a friend that i missed a lot at that moment. Upon thinking this idea through, i realised that it wouldn't be a good idea and that it just wouldn't help the situation. Instead, with the money, i bought a Nikon SLR. I rediscovered my love of photography. Since early April, i can often be seen with my camera, just shooting.
With love of photography coming back, i started hunting for other photographic tools to bring visions to fruition. Two days ago, in a thrift store, i came upon two total jewels. First one, a "Time" camera. It's a total plastic camera, that shoots 35mm film. I gather that it was given to Time Magazine subscribers as a gift. It has a 50mm lens that seems rather dodgy, and four aperture choices with descriptive icons (5.6 (cloudy), 8 (partly cloudy), 11 (sun shining, but not too much) and 16 (sun!!)). It was 2$CDN, so i bought it.
Second jewel, a not-so-dated Polaroid One Step CloseUp camera. It shoots 600 film and it was 5$. SOLD!
I loaded the Time camera with Superia X-Tra 400 film. I still have twelve shots to go, so i'll know in a while what the beast can do. As for the Polaroid, it's just marvelous. It works great.
So voilà, two great thingies for 7$ Gotta love thrift shops!
Back in early April, about a week after i had left my job at the factory, i went through a bit of a blue phase. I harboured the idea of fleeing to New York, to see a friend that i missed a lot at that moment. Upon thinking this idea through, i realised that it wouldn't be a good idea and that it just wouldn't help the situation. Instead, with the money, i bought a Nikon SLR. I rediscovered my love of photography. Since early April, i can often be seen with my camera, just shooting.
With love of photography coming back, i started hunting for other photographic tools to bring visions to fruition. Two days ago, in a thrift store, i came upon two total jewels. First one, a "Time" camera. It's a total plastic camera, that shoots 35mm film. I gather that it was given to Time Magazine subscribers as a gift. It has a 50mm lens that seems rather dodgy, and four aperture choices with descriptive icons (5.6 (cloudy), 8 (partly cloudy), 11 (sun shining, but not too much) and 16 (sun!!)). It was 2$CDN, so i bought it.
Second jewel, a not-so-dated Polaroid One Step CloseUp camera. It shoots 600 film and it was 5$. SOLD!
I loaded the Time camera with Superia X-Tra 400 film. I still have twelve shots to go, so i'll know in a while what the beast can do. As for the Polaroid, it's just marvelous. It works great.
So voilà, two great thingies for 7$ Gotta love thrift shops!
20040702
fields, endless fields
I'm kinda going through a blue period. Once again, i wonder what i'm going to do with my life, what am i gonna study, where am i going, etc. For a while, i thought that film studies would seriously end the evergoing questionning of what i want to do. Problem is, i will get in film studies only in a year and i'm already thinking: gee, i'm not sure i want to do that...
The best thing would be to find something that would merge all my major interests: photo, video, graphic design (and object design) with some form of a textual. In that respect, going to study either studio arts OR graphic design would probably be two viable solutions (if i can get it, that is).
In sculpture class, back in sherbrooke, i was always trying to speak without words. Studying visual arts put my brain in an entirely different mode, where instead of having flashes of poetry or of other type of writing, i would get visual flashes, for sculptures. Instead of jotting down ideas for verses, i would sketch down ideas for installations. In some respect, this worked very well. But the program wasn't very stimulating and the rest of my life there was hell, so i just did one term then came back here (go through the archive, i'm sure i wrote the whole story somewhere in here). When i left, the advisor of the program was shocked that i would even consider leaving visual arts. "You belong here," she said to me. "You have something to give, you have potential in the field." And when i was in Sherbrooke, before things got real bad, i was envisioning my future this way: 1. Finishing the certificate, 2. At the same time, do the prerequisite math course to get in Industrial Design, 3. Study Industrial Design. And now that i've been back to hometown 7 months now, i wonder, where has my plans for industrial design gone? I still love idea of it, i still love design, so i figure, why not? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
so i guess everybody's right. once i chose a field, i will not question anymore and just go with it.
the thing is, you have to chose a field first.
The best thing would be to find something that would merge all my major interests: photo, video, graphic design (and object design) with some form of a textual. In that respect, going to study either studio arts OR graphic design would probably be two viable solutions (if i can get it, that is).
In sculpture class, back in sherbrooke, i was always trying to speak without words. Studying visual arts put my brain in an entirely different mode, where instead of having flashes of poetry or of other type of writing, i would get visual flashes, for sculptures. Instead of jotting down ideas for verses, i would sketch down ideas for installations. In some respect, this worked very well. But the program wasn't very stimulating and the rest of my life there was hell, so i just did one term then came back here (go through the archive, i'm sure i wrote the whole story somewhere in here). When i left, the advisor of the program was shocked that i would even consider leaving visual arts. "You belong here," she said to me. "You have something to give, you have potential in the field." And when i was in Sherbrooke, before things got real bad, i was envisioning my future this way: 1. Finishing the certificate, 2. At the same time, do the prerequisite math course to get in Industrial Design, 3. Study Industrial Design. And now that i've been back to hometown 7 months now, i wonder, where has my plans for industrial design gone? I still love idea of it, i still love design, so i figure, why not? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
so i guess everybody's right. once i chose a field, i will not question anymore and just go with it.
the thing is, you have to chose a field first.
rejoice!
hola peeps,
i hadn't updated this little hunka love in about two months, but i was changing isp and wasn't feeling very chatty. but i'm back here, rejoice!
i have started working on a personal site now. so in a little bit of time, i'll have my little house under the net, featuring photos, drawings and other crap. rejoice!
so i shall leave you at that (whoever is reading this!) and expect plenty for the months to come!
i hadn't updated this little hunka love in about two months, but i was changing isp and wasn't feeling very chatty. but i'm back here, rejoice!
i have started working on a personal site now. so in a little bit of time, i'll have my little house under the net, featuring photos, drawings and other crap. rejoice!
so i shall leave you at that (whoever is reading this!) and expect plenty for the months to come!
20040421
wisdom on the radio
while i was brushing my teeth, a couple of minutes ago, i was told the way to happiness by Gabriel Setlakwe, one of the mascots of the Setlakwe furniture store chain. it goes something like this:
"do you know what happiness is to you? happiness to you is coming back home from work and having your favourite easy chair waiting for you"
why, thank you Gabriel...
"do you know what happiness is to you? happiness to you is coming back home from work and having your favourite easy chair waiting for you"
why, thank you Gabriel...
20040419
painting the urge/the urge of painting
it doesn't take much. i paint for a while then i quit for no reason, saying that there's no way in hell i'm ever gonna pick up a brush again. then weeks pass, i get inspired, i sketch my ideas... and then, boom, i see something that really awakens my urge to paint.
i had this idea for a character that would run throught a series of paintings (and maybe drawings, yes!). his name is albert and he has a computer screen for a head. the first thing i sketched with this character is called Albert 125 (yes, always the first name with a number), a bucolic fable about Albert visiting Nature. but then, it just stayed latent, waiting patiently in my sketch book for about a month now.
today - breathrough. i came upon two very interesting and really cool websites that woke up my urge to pick up the brush. (urls at the end of this post). not that i want to copy their style or something like that, but it gave me the little technical detail that was puzzling me about painting the Albert series (and other stuff). i guess that's what my arts teachers meant by learning by viewing.
here goes for the URLs:
Toothpaste for Dinner
natalie dee: huffing it up, every weekday
do enjoy please.
i had this idea for a character that would run throught a series of paintings (and maybe drawings, yes!). his name is albert and he has a computer screen for a head. the first thing i sketched with this character is called Albert 125 (yes, always the first name with a number), a bucolic fable about Albert visiting Nature. but then, it just stayed latent, waiting patiently in my sketch book for about a month now.
today - breathrough. i came upon two very interesting and really cool websites that woke up my urge to pick up the brush. (urls at the end of this post). not that i want to copy their style or something like that, but it gave me the little technical detail that was puzzling me about painting the Albert series (and other stuff). i guess that's what my arts teachers meant by learning by viewing.
here goes for the URLs:
Toothpaste for Dinner
natalie dee: huffing it up, every weekday
do enjoy please.
20040418
employment
i have a pretty odd job history. i have to have a job that fits me or else i just cannot stand it. it gets visceral. so if i hate a job for whatever reason, i'll start throwing up, getting ill for real just to avoid going to work, in effect just amplifying the effect of the non-liked job. that's how it happened before. i wonder if i was just actually making it worse than it actually was.
since coming back here in january, i've had two jobs. the bookstore job, that i began in late november, coming back to town on the weekends to work there and going back to the city for university (univercity? ha ha, kiss me, i'm clever). i left that job in mid-february because i had gotten a production job at a semiconductor facility of a multinational that i am not going to name. that job would have made me earn enough money to go back to school this september instead of september 2005. things were okay during the training. boring job, niiiiiice paycheck so it balanced out... but then, after training i was transfered to my assigned team-and-work-shift... weekend-night shift. so that's two twelve hours shifts during the night (midnight to noon) on saturday and sunday and then two normal night shift returns during the week. that's how things got bad. i was already rather at odds with the workplace and the people i worked with, but then, with the working during the night, things got really complicated. turns out i'm one of those people who can't work night shifts. it was sending me right into depression relapse. after three weeks, i was a replica of how i was when clinically-depressed two years ago. that's one bad bad side effect.
i called the woman who organised our training to see if i could be transfered to another team or something like that. during our training, that woman kept on telling us that they were there for us, that if we needed anything, if we had a problem, we just had to go talk with them and they would try and help us. so i called the woman about my problem with night-working, left her a message, asking her to call me back and explaining the situation quickly. then went to bed (it was 9 in the morning and i was working that night). she didn't call back. the person who called back however was my director (the boss of the area), with a transcript of the message i had left the woman (can you say breach of confidentiality?) and basically saying: "hello Olivier, this is ******, YOUR DIRECTOR. i got a message from ********* saying that you had troubles with night working... well my reply to you will be that if you have a problem with night working it is your problem, we never switch people from teams. well, we do, but only after nine months. so in your case, the dog is dead, haha. if you have a question, call me back at ***-****". i called back, got an aswerphone, left a message really explaining the case and stating that if there was no available solution, then i was quitting right after my shift of that night. he didn't call back that day.
then i went to work. during first break, i went to the vending machines to get something to drink. some man came and asked me: "are you Olivier?" so of course i said yes. him replying: "well, good, 'cause we have papers to sign, you and me". turns out this was the weekday night shift director and then weekend night shift director had transmitted the whole "case of Olivier" to him during the day. so we signed the papers and after the shift, i was done working for that company. total worked weeks: 7.
i'm back to being unemployed now. but i started looking. i gave my resumé to a really cool design jewelry and accessories store. (trust me, they are really cool. the other day, they were playing Massive Attack. in my town... wow ). after giving my resumé to them, i was convinced they weren't going to call back. the woman-owner of the place called me back the same day asking me to come in for an interview. interview was yesterday. went rather well. then i came back and the woman called again, asking me to come in for a "working on the sales floor test". so i went back, same day as the interview. it went quite well. but i'll know if i nailed it or not only sometimes "before tuesday at 8pm", because there's another candidate (a girl...) for the same job and same type of shift as me... i guess that if it's meant to be, i'll get it. if not there's going to be something else waiting.
that's the state of employment for me, for now...
since coming back here in january, i've had two jobs. the bookstore job, that i began in late november, coming back to town on the weekends to work there and going back to the city for university (univercity? ha ha, kiss me, i'm clever). i left that job in mid-february because i had gotten a production job at a semiconductor facility of a multinational that i am not going to name. that job would have made me earn enough money to go back to school this september instead of september 2005. things were okay during the training. boring job, niiiiiice paycheck so it balanced out... but then, after training i was transfered to my assigned team-and-work-shift... weekend-night shift. so that's two twelve hours shifts during the night (midnight to noon) on saturday and sunday and then two normal night shift returns during the week. that's how things got bad. i was already rather at odds with the workplace and the people i worked with, but then, with the working during the night, things got really complicated. turns out i'm one of those people who can't work night shifts. it was sending me right into depression relapse. after three weeks, i was a replica of how i was when clinically-depressed two years ago. that's one bad bad side effect.
i called the woman who organised our training to see if i could be transfered to another team or something like that. during our training, that woman kept on telling us that they were there for us, that if we needed anything, if we had a problem, we just had to go talk with them and they would try and help us. so i called the woman about my problem with night-working, left her a message, asking her to call me back and explaining the situation quickly. then went to bed (it was 9 in the morning and i was working that night). she didn't call back. the person who called back however was my director (the boss of the area), with a transcript of the message i had left the woman (can you say breach of confidentiality?) and basically saying: "hello Olivier, this is ******, YOUR DIRECTOR. i got a message from ********* saying that you had troubles with night working... well my reply to you will be that if you have a problem with night working it is your problem, we never switch people from teams. well, we do, but only after nine months. so in your case, the dog is dead, haha. if you have a question, call me back at ***-****". i called back, got an aswerphone, left a message really explaining the case and stating that if there was no available solution, then i was quitting right after my shift of that night. he didn't call back that day.
then i went to work. during first break, i went to the vending machines to get something to drink. some man came and asked me: "are you Olivier?" so of course i said yes. him replying: "well, good, 'cause we have papers to sign, you and me". turns out this was the weekday night shift director and then weekend night shift director had transmitted the whole "case of Olivier" to him during the day. so we signed the papers and after the shift, i was done working for that company. total worked weeks: 7.
i'm back to being unemployed now. but i started looking. i gave my resumé to a really cool design jewelry and accessories store. (trust me, they are really cool. the other day, they were playing Massive Attack. in my town... wow ). after giving my resumé to them, i was convinced they weren't going to call back. the woman-owner of the place called me back the same day asking me to come in for an interview. interview was yesterday. went rather well. then i came back and the woman called again, asking me to come in for a "working on the sales floor test". so i went back, same day as the interview. it went quite well. but i'll know if i nailed it or not only sometimes "before tuesday at 8pm", because there's another candidate (a girl...) for the same job and same type of shift as me... i guess that if it's meant to be, i'll get it. if not there's going to be something else waiting.
that's the state of employment for me, for now...
20040416
AssPrint
a few things scare me at the gym where i train. the histrionic personal trainers, who, when off duty, wear shirts saying "MisterHard, accepted by women all across the globe"; the fact that they created their own line of training clothes (so far, nothing freaky), line of clothing they called "BareButt" (see where i'm going with this?); the buff dudes who seem to do more talking than training; the overweight girls who wear pants with PRINCESS printed on their asses...
i completely understand that sex sells. but it seems so silly to me. probably because i'm gay and all that histrionic seductive (inductive?) lingo is meant for male-female relationship. still, the bulk of it just screams: "I'M TRYING TOO HARD" or "LOOKIE HERE! I'M FAKE!"
just to prove my point, the gym hosted a gala recently (or they will host it soon, i don't remember the date of the thing. i didn't pay attention. mainly because i don't care) that they titled: "Barbies and Kens"
eh.
i completely understand that sex sells. but it seems so silly to me. probably because i'm gay and all that histrionic seductive (inductive?) lingo is meant for male-female relationship. still, the bulk of it just screams: "I'M TRYING TOO HARD" or "LOOKIE HERE! I'M FAKE!"
just to prove my point, the gym hosted a gala recently (or they will host it soon, i don't remember the date of the thing. i didn't pay attention. mainly because i don't care) that they titled: "Barbies and Kens"
eh.
20040217
cinematic bovarism
rather than doing the usual rambling about why i don't update often and then just say not much before stopping that for another undefined length of not updating, here i go really talking.
high school was a really rough time for me. hell, even now, 5 years later, i still shiver when i think about it. but what got me through that was movies. movies and imagination. i would watch a lot of various movies but fall in love with a particular one. i would watch the beloved movie often, very often, sometimes as much as three, four times a week, for months. always feeling the same things at the same places. sometimes the feelings increased through the watchings. so i basically lived my teenage emotional life through cinema. and then even after high school and after my trip to the other side of the country, i still did that bovarist thing for a bit. to avoid people, to live life in predictable kind of way. but that behaviour dried out (working in a videostore pretty much killed my interest for living-in-movies).
last summer, i was introduced (by a former professor of mine) to a lad. i fell in love. he didn't, but kept leading me on, thinking that "he could, given time" fall for me. i once went to a movie with him and a couple of his friends. i was sitting right next to the lad, his friends were a couple of rows below us. the lad hated the movie, i liked it a lot. but as things got rougher (because i really was much in love with him), i went to the cinema to watch the movie i saw with him. and i did that, a lot, during the two months of that non-affair. then, the movie stopped being shown in most theaters. so i stopped seeing it. and delt with my grief some other way.
that movie came out on video today. i was really expecting it. not because of the connection it has with my lost non-love, but just because it was salvation during a rough time (and because it's a good movie). so after work today i went to the store to buy the DVD, and watched it. it was really eerie. during some scenes, i re-felt the things i was feeling last summer; from other scenes, i remembered smells and atmospheres, feelings and longings.
for about the past 3 weeks, i've been seeing and hearing things that reminded me of the lad. songs we sung together coming back from the wedding, authors he liked and kept on talking about when we had those huge literary chats over coffee, words he said, stuff he told me that i didn't understand at the time but that i do now. and all those pointers make me want to call him, to talk to him, to see what he's up to. yet, somehow, i know i shouldn't. part of me thinks that all those pointers i'm noticing only appear because i'm being receptive to them, because i need to feel something for someone but there's no one, so i go back to the last strong felt feeling. the other part thinks that i should indeed get in touch, that i have nothing to lose.
for now though, i'll keep on believing that i'm only seeing those pointers because i'm being receptive to them, because i feel the need for love.
high school was a really rough time for me. hell, even now, 5 years later, i still shiver when i think about it. but what got me through that was movies. movies and imagination. i would watch a lot of various movies but fall in love with a particular one. i would watch the beloved movie often, very often, sometimes as much as three, four times a week, for months. always feeling the same things at the same places. sometimes the feelings increased through the watchings. so i basically lived my teenage emotional life through cinema. and then even after high school and after my trip to the other side of the country, i still did that bovarist thing for a bit. to avoid people, to live life in predictable kind of way. but that behaviour dried out (working in a videostore pretty much killed my interest for living-in-movies).
last summer, i was introduced (by a former professor of mine) to a lad. i fell in love. he didn't, but kept leading me on, thinking that "he could, given time" fall for me. i once went to a movie with him and a couple of his friends. i was sitting right next to the lad, his friends were a couple of rows below us. the lad hated the movie, i liked it a lot. but as things got rougher (because i really was much in love with him), i went to the cinema to watch the movie i saw with him. and i did that, a lot, during the two months of that non-affair. then, the movie stopped being shown in most theaters. so i stopped seeing it. and delt with my grief some other way.
that movie came out on video today. i was really expecting it. not because of the connection it has with my lost non-love, but just because it was salvation during a rough time (and because it's a good movie). so after work today i went to the store to buy the DVD, and watched it. it was really eerie. during some scenes, i re-felt the things i was feeling last summer; from other scenes, i remembered smells and atmospheres, feelings and longings.
for about the past 3 weeks, i've been seeing and hearing things that reminded me of the lad. songs we sung together coming back from the wedding, authors he liked and kept on talking about when we had those huge literary chats over coffee, words he said, stuff he told me that i didn't understand at the time but that i do now. and all those pointers make me want to call him, to talk to him, to see what he's up to. yet, somehow, i know i shouldn't. part of me thinks that all those pointers i'm noticing only appear because i'm being receptive to them, because i need to feel something for someone but there's no one, so i go back to the last strong felt feeling. the other part thinks that i should indeed get in touch, that i have nothing to lose.
for now though, i'll keep on believing that i'm only seeing those pointers because i'm being receptive to them, because i feel the need for love.
20040129
enraged and frustrated
life seems to really enjoy making cruel jokes, waving what could be the savior of my situation in front of my face. and once hope has set in, then either the situation stagnates and nothing moves, or life simply just withdraw what might have helped, leaving me there, frustrated. that's what i call a cruel joke.
and that has just happened on the job front. now i'm just waiting, because nothing moved, everything stagnates...
grrrrrr
life seems to really enjoy making cruel jokes, waving what could be the savior of my situation in front of my face. and once hope has set in, then either the situation stagnates and nothing moves, or life simply just withdraw what might have helped, leaving me there, frustrated. that's what i call a cruel joke.
and that has just happened on the job front. now i'm just waiting, because nothing moved, everything stagnates...
grrrrrr
20040109
one week in
it's been nearly one whole week since "the free time" has begun. i can't say it's been joyous all week, it's really hard to have days with nothing planned to do. my life used to depend so much on schedule and things to do that having not much planned (except work shifts) is like falling in a lake from 1000m of altitude.
there's an odd feeling i can't shake off: the feeling of unreality. since i moved back, i have had this sensation of things, life, everything not being completely real. it just might be the pernicious consequence of all that's been happening, or just the continuation of the confusion left by my autumn schooling, i don't know. everyday feels padded, odd, slightly off-center. i still can't really find myself. very much like a maelström i'm spiraling down. i have no idea where my art is going or even what my art is. again, i feel i don't know anything anymore; i know myself even less.
i even started doubting my capacities at art. am i really an artist? was that all a fluke? confusion doing it's thing again. deep down i know that i am not made to work in any other field than the arts, but i guess i have to convince myself, or find some form of direction...
it's been nearly one whole week since "the free time" has begun. i can't say it's been joyous all week, it's really hard to have days with nothing planned to do. my life used to depend so much on schedule and things to do that having not much planned (except work shifts) is like falling in a lake from 1000m of altitude.
there's an odd feeling i can't shake off: the feeling of unreality. since i moved back, i have had this sensation of things, life, everything not being completely real. it just might be the pernicious consequence of all that's been happening, or just the continuation of the confusion left by my autumn schooling, i don't know. everyday feels padded, odd, slightly off-center. i still can't really find myself. very much like a maelström i'm spiraling down. i have no idea where my art is going or even what my art is. again, i feel i don't know anything anymore; i know myself even less.
i even started doubting my capacities at art. am i really an artist? was that all a fluke? confusion doing it's thing again. deep down i know that i am not made to work in any other field than the arts, but i guess i have to convince myself, or find some form of direction...
20040103
drunk on time
as the confusion and sadness of the past weeks is fading away, a new feeling is rising. a sheer feeling of euphoria, the effect of an all powerful substance: time. i am drunk on time.
i normally never have free time on my hands. therefore, projects and ideas i have always go unfulfilled because i simply do not have time to work on them. but now i do. starting monday, i'll have each weekdays and three weekday evenings to work on my art, my projects, my life. that's quite something. though with this much time available, i will have to instate not a schedule, but a form of discipline. this might be the hard part of it but heck, i'm up for a challenge!
so i say: bring it on!
as the confusion and sadness of the past weeks is fading away, a new feeling is rising. a sheer feeling of euphoria, the effect of an all powerful substance: time. i am drunk on time.
i normally never have free time on my hands. therefore, projects and ideas i have always go unfulfilled because i simply do not have time to work on them. but now i do. starting monday, i'll have each weekdays and three weekday evenings to work on my art, my projects, my life. that's quite something. though with this much time available, i will have to instate not a schedule, but a form of discipline. this might be the hard part of it but heck, i'm up for a challenge!
so i say: bring it on!
20040102
[move out]/[move in]
this morning i went back to my flat to get the balance of my stuff, including furniture. it turned out to be quite something. joining me in this adventure were my mother, my sister, her husband and my grandfather. so we ventured out, in the chilly morning, to my flat.
as was often the case during the last weeks of the school term, i grew more nervous as we were approaching the dreaded flat. to be completely honest, i was afraid of running into flatmate. but i didn't. the flat was horrible: messy, smelly, filthy. just before leaving, two weeks ago, i vacuumed the whole place, cleaned out some stuff, etc. but none of the work i had done showed. i swear, it was not beautiful at all. but my task was to pack up my stuff, not to dwell on the uncleanliness of the place. plus, my grandfather was with me, and my mother, sister and brother-in-law would be arriving shortly, so no time was to be wasted. so i got into it, packed up my stuff.
since we started getting into the moving in our own flat, things were not so good with roommate (who once was a good friend of mine). she rarely was collaborating with anything. i fetched out the possible places to stay. i organised the visits. then, once the place was chosen and it was time to move in, i (with the help of my family) got us a huge truck to move all our stuff at once. she ended up not helping because she "had a show that night and she couldn't afford to be tired". so we hauled her stuff in the truck and moved it in the flat, without the slightest of her help. then i called the phone company to get phone service; i did the necessary to get high speed internet for the both of us. and that was only BEFORE moving in. during the time we lived together (i.e. the past 4 months), i always had to remind her about the money she owed me for bills (telephone, internet, both were in my name, so i paid first and then collected the money), she rarely cleaned up anything, she basically invaded the living room and kitchen (on the premise that i got the biggest room (it actually was HER choice to get the small room), so i have more room to store my stuff) with all her things, etc. so cohabitation became quickly tense, with me staying in my room most of the time.
today, i intended on getting my personal stuff and leave some things there (such as the phone, answerphone, coffee machine) to help her cope. i also thought that, anyways, since i'm leaving her the sofa, coffee table and kitchen table, not to mention lighting in the living room, i might as well leave her the other stuff that could be of use. but sister and mother weren't ok with that. i didn't really have a choice, they had made their minds and packed up the phone, answerphone and coffee machine. during the ride back, i felt bad about leaving her there with not much stuff (already that i had the phone service cut (it was in my name!) and that i took internet service with me when moving back my computer (it's in my name!)). thing is, i really should not feel bad now, should i?
i mean, i'm still paying my share of the rent, even though i don't live there anymore (so she basically gets a whole flat to herself, with only her share to pay), and i took care of the important stuff while i was there... so why should i feel bad about leaving with my stuff?
i guess i need to toughen up...
this morning i went back to my flat to get the balance of my stuff, including furniture. it turned out to be quite something. joining me in this adventure were my mother, my sister, her husband and my grandfather. so we ventured out, in the chilly morning, to my flat.
as was often the case during the last weeks of the school term, i grew more nervous as we were approaching the dreaded flat. to be completely honest, i was afraid of running into flatmate. but i didn't. the flat was horrible: messy, smelly, filthy. just before leaving, two weeks ago, i vacuumed the whole place, cleaned out some stuff, etc. but none of the work i had done showed. i swear, it was not beautiful at all. but my task was to pack up my stuff, not to dwell on the uncleanliness of the place. plus, my grandfather was with me, and my mother, sister and brother-in-law would be arriving shortly, so no time was to be wasted. so i got into it, packed up my stuff.
since we started getting into the moving in our own flat, things were not so good with roommate (who once was a good friend of mine). she rarely was collaborating with anything. i fetched out the possible places to stay. i organised the visits. then, once the place was chosen and it was time to move in, i (with the help of my family) got us a huge truck to move all our stuff at once. she ended up not helping because she "had a show that night and she couldn't afford to be tired". so we hauled her stuff in the truck and moved it in the flat, without the slightest of her help. then i called the phone company to get phone service; i did the necessary to get high speed internet for the both of us. and that was only BEFORE moving in. during the time we lived together (i.e. the past 4 months), i always had to remind her about the money she owed me for bills (telephone, internet, both were in my name, so i paid first and then collected the money), she rarely cleaned up anything, she basically invaded the living room and kitchen (on the premise that i got the biggest room (it actually was HER choice to get the small room), so i have more room to store my stuff) with all her things, etc. so cohabitation became quickly tense, with me staying in my room most of the time.
today, i intended on getting my personal stuff and leave some things there (such as the phone, answerphone, coffee machine) to help her cope. i also thought that, anyways, since i'm leaving her the sofa, coffee table and kitchen table, not to mention lighting in the living room, i might as well leave her the other stuff that could be of use. but sister and mother weren't ok with that. i didn't really have a choice, they had made their minds and packed up the phone, answerphone and coffee machine. during the ride back, i felt bad about leaving her there with not much stuff (already that i had the phone service cut (it was in my name!) and that i took internet service with me when moving back my computer (it's in my name!)). thing is, i really should not feel bad now, should i?
i mean, i'm still paying my share of the rent, even though i don't live there anymore (so she basically gets a whole flat to herself, with only her share to pay), and i took care of the important stuff while i was there... so why should i feel bad about leaving with my stuff?
i guess i need to toughen up...
20040101
new year: family reception
each new year (and each christmas, easter, etc), my family gathers. uncles, aunts, cousins, everyone gathers at one's house to spend an evening "celebrating". this year, we are receiving the family.
i am currently typing this as the people are beginning to arrive. i will try to post something tonight, on how it's all going. i already got the ackward: "success in your stu.... entreprises!, no matter what they are.. hehe he". and i bet there's more to come...
each new year (and each christmas, easter, etc), my family gathers. uncles, aunts, cousins, everyone gathers at one's house to spend an evening "celebrating". this year, we are receiving the family.
i am currently typing this as the people are beginning to arrive. i will try to post something tonight, on how it's all going. i already got the ackward: "success in your stu.... entreprises!, no matter what they are.. hehe he". and i bet there's more to come...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
