Combination Cabin Fever

I am simply going out of my mind. Slowly. Cabin fever is setting in. I've been back home for over 9 months now. I know it means there are only 3 to go (maybe even a bit less), but at this point, it kinda feels permanent. Completely freaky.

I have had rather scary moments recently. I woke up one morning about two weeks ago and I felt as though I had been robbed of all reasons to live. Suddenly, boom!, nothing. I began wondering what was my motivation, what kept me pushing forward. Didn't find an answer. Useless, I felt so completely useless. Talentless. Worthless. Completely.

Then, with my dear friend Emi, we went to see G and have lunch with him. It was heaven. A great day. Tons of fun with the added bonus of G being moderately demonstrative, taking my hand, hugging me. Came back here and my other dear friend left a message saying that she was going to Montreal the next day and that if I wanted the ride it would be a nice occasion for me to see G. I went. G and I spent the whole evening walking about, while my friend was at a show. I was walking next to him and just wanted to hug him, kiss him. I didn't. He was colder than before. I felt that something had shifted inside him. I couldn't say why or what it was. Then I left him at a metro station, he went one way, I went the other, to meet my friends at another station. Came back to town and on the way made a stop at a coffee shop. I felt sad, didn't know why, couldn't explain.

The next day was the top of the feeling useless days: I felt completely hollow. At work I hid it as much as possible, serving the customers impeccably. The day went by slowly and my mother was picking me up afterwards. We were to go buy fresh produce at a farm 15 minutes away from town. I had only been in the car 5 minutes and I completely broke down crying. Shattered and clueless. Cried for me missing G like crazy, cried for feeling completely useless and talentless, cried for me going out of my mind. Went to bed early that night.

Then, for the whole of this week, I've been keeping busy. Working as much as possible: working on my music, working on drawings, writings. But cabin fever has really set in. It sometimes feel like I'm just really going to implode.