Unsent

iTunes is always set to shuffle all the songs in my library.
Today it's rainy outside, grey skies, wind. The most beautiful weather.

I am sitting in front of my computer and iTunes just started playing Unsent (the song by Alanis Morissette). This has got me thinking about someone I left a week and a half ago.

I had met him through the internet. We went for a beer and ended up chatting for 7 hours straight. Then, he accompanied me to see Monade's concert in Montreal, as I was going alone and he knew about Stereolab. We had dinner before, then went to the concert (where I just could not stop grinning and smiling, being so happy to see one of my favourite acts up close and personal), then went for a beer and chatted again until 2 am. He dropped me off home and I kissed him.

And so began a bit of a relationship. I would see him, we would call one another or just chat on MSN. Things were great. I even did a photoshoot with him. I was glad to have found someone so interesting to spent time with.

Then, one tuesday afternoon, while I was working, Benoit came to see me at work. I didn't expect that. He brought me back my CDs and a book I had lent him. Told me some stuff that I honestly don't remember because I was just so affected. I could hardly breathe, I was shaking, my heart was beating like I had just ran for miles. His visit lasted five minutes and, for the rest of that day, I felt terribly unwell.

I started wondering why I was so shaken, why it had affected me so much. I kept on seeing the new person, but something was wrong. It took me a couple of days to understand.

It finally hit me: I need to be alone. I can't begin a relationship if I'm still recovering from the past one. I can't begin a new chapter without completely finishing the one prior.

A week and a half ago, I went with the new man for a chat on a terrasse, as we often did. Then we took a walk. At the Old Port, I started telling him about my need to be alone. Thus began the breakup process. In a sense, it was the most peaceful breakup I have ever experienced. After that, I was about to take the metro, but no, he drove me home anyway. I got out of the car and he told me something incredibly bittersweet, along the lines of "you should take my disappointment as a compliment". Two days later, we came on an agreement to delete one another from our MSN lists, just for the meantime. For him to heal and reflect on what had happened. I understand that need and respect it.

It's been a week since that last MSN conversation. And upon hearing that Alanis Morissette song, I felt compelled to write a little something about him. About that beautiful relationship that I just wasn't ready for. About this great great guy and beautiful soul, the person I could listen to for hours on end. About an incredibly smart, witty and beautiful man.

If you're reading this, I just hope that you are well. Prends bien soin de toi et merci pour tout, vraiment tout.