right, well...

i'm a terribly bad blogger. i've had something like 3 blogs in 2 years, never really keeping up with them... i guess i never really had anything to write about except my life, in general and in particular. i think that, this time around, i have something to write about...

last august i moved to another town for university. starting a certificate in visual arts. i was expecting grand things, i was expecting to feel stimulated by my new found freedom, by my courses and the artistic release it would let me have... tackling visual arts instead of the written arts was something i was always lusting after, but never did much about it before because i lacked the technique needed and was always left a bit cold after painting or drawing or sculpting. yet my experiments in those fields made me think i had potential or at least something to develop. even my cégep teachers thought so. so there i was, early september, starting a program in visual arts, full of expectations, humble and open to everything my new life would have brought.

the months have passed and i was getting darker and darker. i felt cold, dark, empty. my classes didn't stimulate me. true, i did gain a lot in the techniques, but lost so much in inspiration and will to live. life at my flat was hell [that's what you get for not listening to your gut feeling when someone asks you to be her flatmate], there was no arts student life at the university (apart from a clan of few art friends) or art life at the university, i didn't like the city. i have never been so solitary in my whole life. it was a comedown, true to form.

so i decided not to go back. what's the point of finishing a program that destroys me, that eats up my bank account and that dries me of all artistic drive? no point at all.

now, i have moved back to hometown. i have a part time job in a bookstore. life is fine. except that i feel confused and sad. like i'm back to the beginning, with no idea whatsoever of what i'm good at and what i want to do.

and that's going to be the topic of this blog. the quest for reconstruction. the need to find myself and to create a strong ground to lay myself on...

let the rebuilding begin.