having a look at the past

my life since 2000 has not been a piece of cake (it wasn't before, but something changed in 2000). by the end of 2001, i became dark, closed, unrecognizable; it turned out i was ill. took me the following two years to recover. since the turn of the century, it constantly felt like i was running around in circles, always falling back to the middle point, square one.

i recovered from being ill in the summer of 2003. just in time for moving out, one might say. true enough, the fact that i was completely back to health helped tons. i wonder in what state i'd be if i had still been ill while going through this four-months-hell.

now, upon looking back, i'm wondering how this time it's different. in the four past years, i quit school twice. two times i left for a term. once because i was studying administration (end of 1999) and it wasn't suiting me at all. the second time (end of 2000) because i was confused and lost... how is it different this time... am i falling back in the same pattern?

after giving some thought to it, i noticed that it is very much a different matter this time around. this time, i'm stopping for a year and half, not a term. this time, i'm stopping because i realised it was foolish to keep on doing something i was so unhappy about. this time, i'm stopping because i want to travel before really engaging in my studies....

so this time around, i have a plan. i might not know yet who i am, what i'm good at or how and why i got this far in the first place, but at least i have something to hold on to.