Change of Plan (once more)

Well. What can I say. I need to be adult and think about my future instead of butterflying from interest to interest. Passion alone doesn't pay the bills, so it seems. And at 25, I strongly need to start thinking about the rest of my life.

I'm changing direction. Exit Photo, Enter Computer Science. My photo classes have made me realise that I love photography to bits, but being in it constantly kills my love for it. Also, with everything I've seen about "the industry", I am quite certain I don't want to work in it (or fight with all my might to try to wiggle and lick/suck my way in).

And so, right now, I'm making efforts to be admitted in college in a technical computer science program. And then, once I'm done, I might even try my luck at computer/software engineering, who knows. At least, when I get my degree, I should be able to find a job that'll pay my rent.

It has to be noted though that this is not so much of a tradeoff. I've always wanted to study computer science. I meant to study in that field right after high school, but being annoyed at everyone telling me how to live my life, I decided to study something else just to spite them. Now, 8 years later, it's time I set things back on track.

I'll always be an artist though. My love for photography and music will not be put away or take second place. I'm realising that one can have a career in one field and passions/interests/hobbies in another field. It doesn't matter. Who knows what I'll be doing in 6 years? Maybe I'll be a programmer for a company and feeling great because I'll be contributing to something. Maybe I'll be on tour with Dolorès and working with Pierre on songwriting the second album. Maybe I'll have computerart/photo exhibitions somewhere. Maybe I'll be doing something else altogether. I might even be working/living in Tokyo by then! Or maybe I'll come back to being a writer. Who knows? No one.

Well, I Guess It's Not Perpetual Motion After All!

As usual, when I stop blogging, a lot happens in my life. This time being no exception, a lot has indeed happened. Apart from the usual school turmoil and general stress, my love for photography has only but grown.

I decided to try and apply for entry at the Design School of UQAM. It's kinda hard to get in, they accept only 60 peeps a year. I'm working on a portfolio now and I'll try my luck. I used to always be petrified at the sheer idea of daring to apply there and then it dawned on me that if I don't try, I'll always regret not trying.

I am in love. I know, I've written that a few times before but I am starting to think that until this, I didn't know what being in love really was. Being in love is not about feeling bad or having doubts, it's about feeling free and wanting to be better. It's about wanting to just explode because you're always so happy, so warm when the other is near. It's about knowing you've found true love. It's the feeling you get in your stomach when you stand close to the person. It's all about sharing the little things, making coffee for the other, taking a walk, falling asleep together.

Isn't it funky how when you're well there's not all that much to write?

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Should I shave my head?

Something New

As you've all most probably noticed, I don't really have my heart in this blog much anymore. I originally started it as a way to track my progress from starting over to going somewhere. I am finally at the somewhere I should be. Yet most of my posts have a negative tint to them. The thing is, I'm actually quite happy in real life.

So I started something new, an electronic part to my visual journal. A new journey, if you will. Come with me on this ship called rrn17...

And Why Both At The Same Time

Why. Why is it so hard to just let go. Why does this have to be good and bad, at once. Why so charming, caring, why so endearing; why so unnerving and so egotistical. Why so cute and funny, why so smart and witty.

Why me. Why do you want to be around me. How do you manage to bring back to life my inner demons.

Why do I have to feel lost everytime I see you.

And This, This Is What I Don't Want

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling fine. I've been stable for a while now, or at least for a few weeks in a row. I'm starting to feel self-confidence in situations where I'd normally crawl under the table to hide. I've come to terms with the fact that, yes, indeed, I get really sensitive when it comes to matters of the heart. I've accepted that people have their own personal history, their past. That that past can be really simple, extremely convoluted or lying somewhere in between those poles.

It's nice you said hello again, I appreciate you wanting to see me again. Hell, it was wonderful to kiss you, to smell your skin and lay in bed with you a few times more. But this is what I don't want.

I don't want to wait for someone, for I've done more than my share of waiting with my heart out. I don't want to not know where I'm heading, to always have in the back of my mind that I might just be a nice little distraction. I don't want to not have the right to fall in love. I don't want to be part of a nice zoo of former frequentations and I certainly don't want to be in the same room as them while they talk about how good you were in bed. I don't want calculations and control in relationships. I don't want to have to explain to which school of thought I adhere when it comes to matters of love and sex. I don't want to miss you knowing you most probably don't miss me. I don't want to feel wrong in missing you. I don't want to me mistrustful or freakish. I don't want to have it said that if it all got messed up in the first place it was all my fault. I don't want to stick around, I just don't.

I don't want to get attached to you again. Oh no, I don't.

So this is it, really. Thanks for the plant. It was a gorgeous gift, on that I will cherish, trust me. Thanks for kissing me on my neck as I was brushing my teeth, it was a lovely thing to do. Thanks for hugging me and making me laugh.

Take care, ok?

Sweep Me Off My Feet