I've had it. I have to move out and find another job ASAP. Today was the last straw...
I thought I could endure this bad roommate/boss situation but I can't. The man is sucking the energy and the creativity out of me. It dawned on me that it's only when I am here that I feel worthless and lose all interest in doing anything. When I visit my friends, when I go home, when I'm working on projects at school I feel fine. As soon as I walk in the apartment and he's there, all will to fight leaves my body.
Also, I can't bear this job situation anymore. The man oscillates between moments of treating me like crap, scrutinizing everything I do to find the flaw, saying mean comments in front of the rest of the staff and moments of thanking me for all I do, thanking me for being so understanding and caring for the rest of the staff. Everytime someone is sick and I can replace them, I do it. Everytime I can do anything to help, I do it.
And yet, today, I simply asked to get the day of my birthday off work. He made me feel like shit for asking so, telling me how I would put them all in a really bad situation, etc etc etc. After that, he called me back saying that he'd try very hard to find a replacement, even if it meant him working more days than usual in a row. BIG FUCKING DEAL! Whenever he has a headache or some ailment and asks me to cover his shift, I do it. But when I'm REALLY not feeling well, I always have to work because it's impossible to find someone to replace me.
I was so frustrated that I broke down in front of one of my friends/classmates. She picked me up and made me see things clearer. That's when I realised everything that was going on. The manipulation, the energy-sucking, the sheer fact that he imposes his sadness and anger on everyone in the vicinity and that, through living with him and being the one he loves but isn't loving him back, I am getting the bulk of the crap.
So it's time for me to move out. And find another job. I had started searching for a job already and today, I started looking for a room to rent until I move in with my friends in July...
Such drama, as always. It seems that my life always turns out to be a soap opera...
20060321
20060319
I Am Not Sleeping
I am not sleeping. I do realise that that's implied because I would not be writing this thing had I been asleep at the moment. I had gone to bed a bit after midnight expecting a nice night of sleep when my upstairs neighbours decided to entertain their already loud enough guests with techno music. I had managed to get a nice point of focus and was on the verge of finding sleep when someone started yelling and chanting (yes, chanting) in the street, most probably right under my window. Have not sensed impending sleep since.
I have started reading Bridget Jones's Diary, on suggestion of a friend. I had mentionned over drinks one night that I was beginning to think that my life would resemble that of Miss Jones (just the general life idea, I'm not implying that I intend to become a woman) by the time I hit thirty-five, to which my friend replied: "have you read the book?" I confessed that I had only seen the movie. She urged me to go buy it, as it's very different from and much better than the movie. A few weeks passed and then we went for drinks again, this time joined by another friend who was experiencing emotional turmoil of herself. Bridget Jones came on topic again and that second friend decided to get to reading it too. The next day, after work, we both went to Chapters to get a copy. A week after buying it I am halfway through. It really IS much better than the movie. Makes me realise that I want to read more novels in english. I figure it's probably the only way I'll improve my written english.
-----
My birthday is in a week. I'm excited. I don't exactly know why, but there's a christmasy feeling to my birthday this year. As if something marvelous was about to happen. Something big...
I have started reading Bridget Jones's Diary, on suggestion of a friend. I had mentionned over drinks one night that I was beginning to think that my life would resemble that of Miss Jones (just the general life idea, I'm not implying that I intend to become a woman) by the time I hit thirty-five, to which my friend replied: "have you read the book?" I confessed that I had only seen the movie. She urged me to go buy it, as it's very different from and much better than the movie. A few weeks passed and then we went for drinks again, this time joined by another friend who was experiencing emotional turmoil of herself. Bridget Jones came on topic again and that second friend decided to get to reading it too. The next day, after work, we both went to Chapters to get a copy. A week after buying it I am halfway through. It really IS much better than the movie. Makes me realise that I want to read more novels in english. I figure it's probably the only way I'll improve my written english.
-----
My birthday is in a week. I'm excited. I don't exactly know why, but there's a christmasy feeling to my birthday this year. As if something marvelous was about to happen. Something big...
20060303
Reconciliated
When I start to lose focus about why I study photography, it's usually because I haven't taken pictures in a while.
Yesterday morning, I went to capture class completely demotivated and feeling photographically worthless. Theory period went by and then came the time for capture. 15 minutes in my capture session and my faith in the field was completely restored. I felt really zen during shooting and that's when I realised that I need photography in my life. It synchronises me with the world, with my very own world.
Also, last week I started slipping as far as school work was concerned. The moment I noticed it, I started tackling the beast one assignment at a time. It proved to be beneficial because as of today, I am up to date everywhere.
-----
For the past month, I've been bumping into people I haven't seen in a rather long time. Mostly, it was people with whom communication stopped abruptly, the history just cutting out at a single, sharp point in time.
First occurrence: I was coming back to my apartment from a little evening soirée with a friend of mine. As we were walking down the street and talking and laughing, I turn around to see a man walking towards his car. At first, I think: "Hmmm, this face seems strangely familiar". Then I turned around and recognized who it was. He turned around at the same moment, saw me and then looked down really quickly and tried to unlock his car as best he could. I kept on walking.
Second occurrence: I went for beer with a friend after work (oddly enough, same friend as above). We went to this little bar thingie on Saint-Laurent. Drank and talked about life, sex and guys. The last topic of our conversation was a former friend of mine. Someone with whom communication stopped abruptly after really confusing happenings. He had been on my mind for some days prior to that. We left the bar, she went her way and I proceeded to walk back to my apartment. As I was crossing a street, I see someone from afar and think: "hmmm, this face seems familiar". Walking closer, I notice that not only it seems familiar but it happens to be THE guy I was talking about. He looked straight in my eyes and stared for a couple of seconds. He was with someone. I didn't say anything, he stopped staring, started talking louder and walked past me.
Third, fourth and fifth occurrence: I was one of the last people to leave colour theory class, last monday. I left class at six. I went to drop things in my locker (that happens to be in the photo department. I could have taken another locker, downstairs, but I figured that one locker was enough for me) and pick up my winter jacket. As I was walking to the bathroom, I had a flash: "Of course, I'm going to the bathroom, I'll wash my hands, get out of the bathroom, drink water from the fountain and I'll turn around to bump into G." Damn my intuition to hell, I was right. When I realised that YES, it was him, my heart stopped and then started beating faster and in an erratic fashion. I almost threw myself down the escalator to avoid having to stay close.
The next day, I was leaving phototech class with a few of my classmates. We were going down the escalators. Reaching the 6th floor (photo dept), I wished them all a good evening and went to my locker. As I got into the department, I turn around to see G again, standing in the doorway of one of the studios. I walked faster to my locker, trying. When I passed there again, he had gone. It took me a good 5 minutes to get back to a regular heart rythmn.
Thursday was capture class (see above). After the capture, I was bringing the lighting cart back to the depot. Just as I stepped out of the studio, I saw him again, reading notices on the billboard. I just played dumb and went to the depot. Later that day, I had to go and complete a calibration assignment. So I went to the depot again to have the calibration room unlocked. G was at the depot too. He needed to have access to the repro room. The two rooms are interconnected. A few of my classmates were doing their calibration too, so we all stayed there and chatted for a bit while one by one, each of us took the calibration pictures. After a bit of waiting and feeling ultra ackward, I went in the repro room and sat next to G. He had that puzzled look in his eyes. I said hello, he greeted back. Then I said: "How about if we made peace?" To which he agreed and shook my hand, all the while avoiding to look at me.
I wonder who I'll bump into next, although if the pattern keeps on going the way it is, I already know who it'll be.
Yesterday morning, I went to capture class completely demotivated and feeling photographically worthless. Theory period went by and then came the time for capture. 15 minutes in my capture session and my faith in the field was completely restored. I felt really zen during shooting and that's when I realised that I need photography in my life. It synchronises me with the world, with my very own world.
Also, last week I started slipping as far as school work was concerned. The moment I noticed it, I started tackling the beast one assignment at a time. It proved to be beneficial because as of today, I am up to date everywhere.
-----
For the past month, I've been bumping into people I haven't seen in a rather long time. Mostly, it was people with whom communication stopped abruptly, the history just cutting out at a single, sharp point in time.
First occurrence: I was coming back to my apartment from a little evening soirée with a friend of mine. As we were walking down the street and talking and laughing, I turn around to see a man walking towards his car. At first, I think: "Hmmm, this face seems strangely familiar". Then I turned around and recognized who it was. He turned around at the same moment, saw me and then looked down really quickly and tried to unlock his car as best he could. I kept on walking.
Second occurrence: I went for beer with a friend after work (oddly enough, same friend as above). We went to this little bar thingie on Saint-Laurent. Drank and talked about life, sex and guys. The last topic of our conversation was a former friend of mine. Someone with whom communication stopped abruptly after really confusing happenings. He had been on my mind for some days prior to that. We left the bar, she went her way and I proceeded to walk back to my apartment. As I was crossing a street, I see someone from afar and think: "hmmm, this face seems familiar". Walking closer, I notice that not only it seems familiar but it happens to be THE guy I was talking about. He looked straight in my eyes and stared for a couple of seconds. He was with someone. I didn't say anything, he stopped staring, started talking louder and walked past me.
Third, fourth and fifth occurrence: I was one of the last people to leave colour theory class, last monday. I left class at six. I went to drop things in my locker (that happens to be in the photo department. I could have taken another locker, downstairs, but I figured that one locker was enough for me) and pick up my winter jacket. As I was walking to the bathroom, I had a flash: "Of course, I'm going to the bathroom, I'll wash my hands, get out of the bathroom, drink water from the fountain and I'll turn around to bump into G." Damn my intuition to hell, I was right. When I realised that YES, it was him, my heart stopped and then started beating faster and in an erratic fashion. I almost threw myself down the escalator to avoid having to stay close.
The next day, I was leaving phototech class with a few of my classmates. We were going down the escalators. Reaching the 6th floor (photo dept), I wished them all a good evening and went to my locker. As I got into the department, I turn around to see G again, standing in the doorway of one of the studios. I walked faster to my locker, trying. When I passed there again, he had gone. It took me a good 5 minutes to get back to a regular heart rythmn.
Thursday was capture class (see above). After the capture, I was bringing the lighting cart back to the depot. Just as I stepped out of the studio, I saw him again, reading notices on the billboard. I just played dumb and went to the depot. Later that day, I had to go and complete a calibration assignment. So I went to the depot again to have the calibration room unlocked. G was at the depot too. He needed to have access to the repro room. The two rooms are interconnected. A few of my classmates were doing their calibration too, so we all stayed there and chatted for a bit while one by one, each of us took the calibration pictures. After a bit of waiting and feeling ultra ackward, I went in the repro room and sat next to G. He had that puzzled look in his eyes. I said hello, he greeted back. Then I said: "How about if we made peace?" To which he agreed and shook my hand, all the while avoiding to look at me.
I wonder who I'll bump into next, although if the pattern keeps on going the way it is, I already know who it'll be.
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