It's starting to be almost a ritual. A few weeks before midterm, I hit a point where I have no idea why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm studying photography. I don't know what I want to shoot or why I would be shooting it.
I'm demotivated by the way the program is structured. I spend more time working on projects for mandatory art classes (colour theory, for instance) than I would for my photography. We are not allowed access to printing in the lab (which is only electronic, as we have not yet shot a single sheet of film) outside of our class periods. If we want to access said lab, we have to make sure that no class is being tought in the room. The current lab is shared with students of many other programs, which means that the screens are very often decalibrated when we get to work. There ARE dedicated digital photo labs, however we will not gain access to them until the second year. In shooting class, we are doing studio work this term. However, since there are too many students for the available studio spots, we only shoot two weeks out of three.
Now, I know that many of those annoyances are caused by the way the CEGEP system works. But why is there only ONE option for studying photo in university, it being studying studio arts with a major in photography and that course being offered in only ONE of the universities in Quebec? Why is there no real other way to study professional photo other than in CEGEP? Why is it that very few of the photographers from Quebec that I admire actually studied photo in CEGEP? Is it that the path is flawed? Is it that the path to photography isn't actually through school but that the schooling will give us the tools to actually forge our own path?
I have to admit that I don't understand how I'll be a photographer. In a bit more than two years, I'm supposed to come out of school ready to tackle the world with my shutter skills but why does it seem so distant and unclear?
One thing's for certain, I must not give up. I have done that way too many times. Even if doubt has set in, I just have to push myself forward and work harder, but I must not abandon. I'll probably get the answers to my questions in time.
20060228
20060221
Sometimes
I realise that sometimes I have very little to say. It's very much ironic, as from what my mother told me, as a child I never ever would shut up. Only when I went to sleep would I bathe in total silence. Also, up until not very long ago I had a complete intolerence to silence. It would drive me completely nuts. As a kid, if there was a power outage leaving the house noise-less, I would become frightened and start screaming.
Nowadays, though, it's a completely different matter. Some days, I will only communicate when it's really needed, otherwise I'll stay in my little bubble. This applies to a lot of things.
I haven't written any poetry in a while. I used to be able to find topics quite easily and would scribble down things here and there. Now, it seems I'm unable to do that. I have lost the way of the word, or so I feel. However, I was told by my former writing teacher that those dry spells are part of what writing is and that you just have to live them through. It's still a bit crazy because when that dryness hits, nothing can make me believe that I'll never be able to write another word again.
A good example of this drought: yesterday, I spent the whole day playing guitar. I ended up finding four chords that worked really well together and that fit the moment I was bathing in. I tried singing things, but nothing worked. I couldn't find the exact topic and the exact phrasing to go along with that feeling. Thing is, I have a lot of topics to sing about, messages that I would like to put down and send across. I wrote down the chords and left the song in embryo to it's current state. Bare skeleton, no melody, no words...
It's all frustrating though, as I formerly studied writing in college.
Nowadays, though, it's a completely different matter. Some days, I will only communicate when it's really needed, otherwise I'll stay in my little bubble. This applies to a lot of things.
I haven't written any poetry in a while. I used to be able to find topics quite easily and would scribble down things here and there. Now, it seems I'm unable to do that. I have lost the way of the word, or so I feel. However, I was told by my former writing teacher that those dry spells are part of what writing is and that you just have to live them through. It's still a bit crazy because when that dryness hits, nothing can make me believe that I'll never be able to write another word again.
A good example of this drought: yesterday, I spent the whole day playing guitar. I ended up finding four chords that worked really well together and that fit the moment I was bathing in. I tried singing things, but nothing worked. I couldn't find the exact topic and the exact phrasing to go along with that feeling. Thing is, I have a lot of topics to sing about, messages that I would like to put down and send across. I wrote down the chords and left the song in embryo to it's current state. Bare skeleton, no melody, no words...
It's all frustrating though, as I formerly studied writing in college.
20060213
Poseurs and Narcissists: Give Up!
Every field has their share of poseurs. Photography is no exception...
In my class, there are quite a few of those. Out of all those fakes, one really gets to me. Last term, he only was in my lab class. This term, the dude happens to be in my phototech class and colour theory class. Everybody seems to think he's a really nice, charming dude. They don't really notice how condecending he actually is. When he says things, there's always an underlying layer of supposed superiorety intricately linked to his message. He will chat you up, but only to show his "knowledge". Also, the man is a fan of analog photography (nothing wrong with that), but likes to tell everybody else how HE has done photography the old, hard way and how, because of that, he is better then the whole population of photostudents combined. Last term, in lab class, he would always do his best to show everyone his work (again, nothing wrong with that per se), but using vile, manipulative means. He would befriend other students who can't question his attitude (as they have just started in photography) and lavish them with his thoughts on the history of photography, on how B+W photography can only be respectfully accomplished using the means of our ancestors, etc. Every time a teacher would say something related to film photography, he always makes a noise and grins and nods his head in content. That was his last term technique.
Now, this term, all of our groups are mixed up. So some of the minions of his original group happen to be in many of the classes I happen to be in. Last week, in studio class, we were working on personal stuff. When he passed by the studio and saw that the theory was over, he came in and found some of his colleagues to begin a chat. He was speaking loudly. He filled the room with his sentences, talking about how HE is getting so many contracts that he can't handle them, how HE is forced to lie about his age in order to get the contracts, as employers would think that someone his age simply could not be bestowed so much talent. I wasn't near him at all when he made that speech. I was busy experimenting with flasheads, minding my own business. Yet, I overheard his whole discourse. The whole ordeal turned my blood.
I've recognised quite a few months ago that this guy irks me. But after that class, I felt a bit down. I started questioning myself, my work and what I want to do later (mind you, I had had terrible sleep the night prior so I was overly sensitive that day). With much reflection, I realised that all that boy is doing, in actuality, is blowing smoke up the photo dept.'s ass. He NEEDS to feel superior, to feel important. I read something regarding that matter in the Tao-tö king a while ago and it came back to me that day:
That's when I realised that I don't need to feel bothered by the poseur's speech. I do not need that pretense. I need to know my own value and work with it. I need to know where I'm lacking and work on it. I do not need to bolster my supposed "special talents and gifts". I came to where I am now with work and will continue to do so. I just perhaps need to work on my self-confidence a bit...
In my class, there are quite a few of those. Out of all those fakes, one really gets to me. Last term, he only was in my lab class. This term, the dude happens to be in my phototech class and colour theory class. Everybody seems to think he's a really nice, charming dude. They don't really notice how condecending he actually is. When he says things, there's always an underlying layer of supposed superiorety intricately linked to his message. He will chat you up, but only to show his "knowledge". Also, the man is a fan of analog photography (nothing wrong with that), but likes to tell everybody else how HE has done photography the old, hard way and how, because of that, he is better then the whole population of photostudents combined. Last term, in lab class, he would always do his best to show everyone his work (again, nothing wrong with that per se), but using vile, manipulative means. He would befriend other students who can't question his attitude (as they have just started in photography) and lavish them with his thoughts on the history of photography, on how B+W photography can only be respectfully accomplished using the means of our ancestors, etc. Every time a teacher would say something related to film photography, he always makes a noise and grins and nods his head in content. That was his last term technique.
Now, this term, all of our groups are mixed up. So some of the minions of his original group happen to be in many of the classes I happen to be in. Last week, in studio class, we were working on personal stuff. When he passed by the studio and saw that the theory was over, he came in and found some of his colleagues to begin a chat. He was speaking loudly. He filled the room with his sentences, talking about how HE is getting so many contracts that he can't handle them, how HE is forced to lie about his age in order to get the contracts, as employers would think that someone his age simply could not be bestowed so much talent. I wasn't near him at all when he made that speech. I was busy experimenting with flasheads, minding my own business. Yet, I overheard his whole discourse. The whole ordeal turned my blood.
I've recognised quite a few months ago that this guy irks me. But after that class, I felt a bit down. I started questioning myself, my work and what I want to do later (mind you, I had had terrible sleep the night prior so I was overly sensitive that day). With much reflection, I realised that all that boy is doing, in actuality, is blowing smoke up the photo dept.'s ass. He NEEDS to feel superior, to feel important. I read something regarding that matter in the Tao-tö king a while ago and it came back to me that day:
XXIV
He who stands up tiptoeing
will not stand upwards for long.
He who walks in long strides
will not go very far.
He who shows exhibition will not glow.
He who affirms himself will not impose himself.
He who brings himself to glory will not have his merits recognised.
He who excites himself will not become a king.
That's when I realised that I don't need to feel bothered by the poseur's speech. I do not need that pretense. I need to know my own value and work with it. I need to know where I'm lacking and work on it. I do not need to bolster my supposed "special talents and gifts". I came to where I am now with work and will continue to do so. I just perhaps need to work on my self-confidence a bit...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
