See-Through Weather

I find that winter has a form of precision no other season has. There is a profound precision to be experienced in standing in the cold, on a winter day. Looking in the distance, things are as equally clear as they would be if you were standing right in front of them.

I was walking back home from work earlier tonight, while listening to Beady Belle's CEWBEAGGAPIC album. It's an electro-jazz record that I find to be best experienced at evening time, in the cold. Be it autumn, winter or spring, it needs to not be warm. I find it hard to express in words exactly how that record makes me feel and how synchronised it seems to be with this kind of weather. Like a natural soundtrack, it sings of love, love lost and regained, love by proxy.

My commute to get back to the manor is very different as to how it was to get back to the villa. To get back to the villa, I had to take the metro and then a bus OR take two different metro lines and then walk 15 minutes in a residential area. To get to the manor from work, I simply have to walk 25 minutes in a city setting. I was thinking, last night, on my way here that when walking amongst concrete buildings and skyscrapers, we really aren't much. Sure, we built all those things are, ultimately, the puppeteers that make them alive. In the end though, we are simply a bunch of little ants, lugging around things that are heavier than we, constructing buildings and machines that could, if given the chance, simply surpass and gain power over us.

A Bath And A Guitar

I took this long, relaxing bath tonight. I played Beth Orton's Central Reservation album as background music and soaked in for almost an hour. Thinking about things, putting things in order in my head.

When you stop taking antidepressants, you go through a withdrawal phase. It can be mild or it can be really severe and debilitating. I'm a lucky bastard, because I've only experienced mild ones. And I'm going through one right now. My brain feels like it's tilting every once and again. I have a fake cold, I'm feeling blue and melancholic, I have trouble sleeping. But really, it's not that bad. I know that it's only a matter of days until I get back on my feet.

I've been practicing the guitar a lot since I was lent one, last weekend. Almost two hours a day. I think I'm really, truly in love with that instrument. As much as I loved the piano, it always felt like something wasn't entirely right. I just might have found it now. If things keep going the way they are, I should be a fairly decent guitar player before summer comes. That would be perfect, really, as it might give me the opportunity to finally compose and organise all those latent songs and sounds that are constantly lying in my head.

-----

Last week, my roommate confessed to falling for me. This is truly problematic. Not only is that man my roommate, he also happens to be my boss. Also, he knows that as much as I find him to be a great person and I do enjoy living with him, the feeling is not mutual. I truly hope that he'll grow out of his infatuation soon.

This almost seem like a weird shift of some karmic force. I have often been on the giving end of unrequited love in the past. But ever since the end of this summer, I find myself on the receiving end of love that I just cannot reciprocate. I guess this is nature's way of letting me know how it feels to have someone fall for you and you finding yourself just not loving that person.

Off The Meds

I am now, officially, off antidepressants. This might seem like a mundane fact, something not really worth a blog entry. However, to me, it's something of importance.

I've been taking them for over 6 months now. My doctor told me that I could stop taking my medication as soon as january started, but to wait until I felt comfortable enough to do so. I decided this week that I was ready.

Knowing that I am not taking yellow pills daily makes me really happy. I had been without medication for two years before last spring's relapse. How long will I be fine this time? One year, five years, twenty-five? To be honest, I don't really care. If I've learned anything about that this time, it's that it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I am fine and well. If it takes a yellow pill for it, then so be it. If not, then all the better!

But this is a victory over my personal demons. I am tiger, hear me roar. :D

The Updator

I'm fully settled into my new dwelling. I even, after three weeks, found a name for it: SoftCore Manor. I'm actually glad to have chosen to stay here. It's nice being this close to everything. Also, this "gayvillage" factor that I was fearing is turning out to be entertaining. Now I see all kinds of gay guys and I get a precious reminder of the kind of gay I am glad I am not.

I've finally got my library subscription. The Bibliothèque Nationale is only 5 minutes away from the manor. I've been going there a lot lately. It's almost high-inducing to have so many documents available at once.

School starts again in ten days. I'm really looking forward to it. Having a 6 weeks (almost 7!) holiday vacation is just WAY too much for someone like me (i.e. someone who doesn't deal so well with free time).

And that's about it for news from the Oli front. I should be back to my (semi) regular blogging habits now.