Towel-Throwing

I used to have a nasty tendency to give up when things became difficult. I came to this realisation when I finally received my university transcript for the winter term. At the end of that semester, I was completely run-down and really thought that it was over. Yet another failure to add to the list. But I was wrong. I found out that I got rather smashing grades for that term (Try A- in german and A in cinema). When I told my mother, she told me straight up: "Oli, you always do that, whenever you think things are wrong you just give up".

I received that transcript about two weeks ago and the thought sat with me since then. It's true that I give up easily. I will work hard for things I care about but if I become unfocused or if I fall off-balance, I just give up. I'll try to weasel my way out of the difficult situation, accepting the doom.

At the same time though, I find that I have evolved. My behaviour is not so defeatist anymore, even though it used to be. I could list many things that I have fought for even when I thought it was over. The moving out of home/starting university thing is a nice example. At that time (about a year ago), it felt as though fate was completely against my moving out, yet I found a way and did it. I'm really glad I did fight for that, because I'm happy now.

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In 2001, about a month after being diagnosed with depression, I decided to take piano lessons. I had always been a lover of music, I had taken a little intro course to music in highschool, I was writing little tunes when I was 8 years old. I always wanted to study piano but never had the chance to. At the point where I was and being in my final year of cégep, I figured it was as good a time as any to get to it. I took it for 8 months. When we did the conclusive show for the arts program at my cégep, I played one of Satie's Gnossiennes. My piano teacher was amazed and told me that I had now proven to her that I could do anything I wanted, as long as my heart was into it.

Then I moved out to Sherbrooke and moved back to Granby four months later. I called my teacher and picked up piano again. But I was unfocused. I never practiced and then I got this crazy idea that I should learn more instruments. I ended up taking three different instruments at one: piano, saxophone, alto recorder. It didn't take long for me to just crash and start calling-in to cancel my lessons because I had not practiced or just because I didn't want to go to class. My piano teacher tried a different approach. She made me write songs and taught me some improv techniques. When spring came, we both knew that I wasn't coming back to study piano in autumn. That was in 2004.

I stopped playing music altogether and went on with other things. Rediscovered a passion for photography. Moved to Montreal to study german in university and decided, about a month after school started, that I really wanted to be a photographer. Applied to schools, got admitted in cégep, decided to go for it. During the summer, I had a recurring dream of being in photoschool and music being intricately woven in my life. Not music appreciation, music writing and playing.

I imported my keyboard from Granby during the summer but never actually touched it once. It was just there, in the corner of my room, idle.

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 4am, with an urge to play piano. I had breakfast and sat in front of the keyboard. Music just came out. A little set of four chords kept on returning no matter what I played. I toyed around for about an hour before it was time to leave for school. I was supposed to have dinner with Justin but it fell through because of him being ill and needing to seek medical attention. With my evening free, I just went training and sat the keyboard again.

Today, after class, I went to Archambault Musique and bought a book on scales, chords and arpeggios for piano. I sat at the keyboard and starting exercising myself, to relearn what I once knew and build my musical foundation from that. I am determined not to give up this time, even if it gets difficult.

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The little tune that started coming out yesterday is turning into a waltz. Looking through my book on scales, it turns out that the progression is very coherent, the last chord being the relative minor of the key in which the tune is rooted. The worktitle for it is Waltz For Someone Else.