Refusal Letter/Eternal Underdog

I submitted a poetry manuscript to a publishing house (that publishes poetry only) about a year ago. It was a book that took me two years to write and correct and rework. A book that I love because it's a mark of a very intense two years. At the same time, when submitting the book, I was aware of it's limitations, namely the lack of cohesion. It was written without any defined theme or directive. Just poems, together.

My mother called me today, saying that a letter arrived for me, from the publishing house. I asked her to open it. The letter said that my manuscript had been thoroughly evaluated by the reading committee but did not win the majority of the committee over. It ends in wishing me to keep writing.

I had felt this refusal coming. In the past few weeks, I often had random thoughts stating that my manuscript had been turned down. So it didn't come as a surprise in any form. Still, I find myself a bit disappointed by the news.

I could always submit it to other poetry publishers, but I will not. When I first sent it, I told myself that if it were to be published, then all the better, but that if it were to be turned down I would just work harder on the second one and see it as a nice act of courage, that is, to have sent it in in the first place.

I have already begun work on my second poetry book. I began writing it last summer. I have a theme this time around, a directive. Just yesterday, I was rewriting and compiling, I found out that about 75% of the writing is done for the book. All I have is to work harder now.

This makes me feel like a bit of an eternal underdog. They didn't turn down the book because it was crap but because it didn't receive a majority of votes. That basically means that some of the readers liked it and others hated it. It's a middle point situation. Which is the incarnation of a long-standing fear of mine, the fear of being the constant and eternal underdog. The person who neither excels nor fails. The person whose writing is good but never stellar, the photographer who takes okay photos but never astonishes or captures attention of people.

I know a lot of that amounts to the work we put in what we do. But what if it never is enough? What if no matter how hard I work, I always end up back to the middle point?