Gearing Up For New

I went to register for my autumn program last week. It's official. Come end of august, I'll be studying Photography, in order to make it my career, my life.

In other fronts, things are getting better. I'm seeing the light. I have stopped being worried about my life, about my finances and about my possible relapsing. My life will be fine, I just have to remember that I'm the one steering the wheel. My finances will get better, but I'm a student, it figures I have to be poor at times, no?

And then, there's the relapsing. After a lof of thinking and talking about it, I figure there's not much I can do about it. I know what are my signs, I know what indicates an impending relapse. But I can't avoid it from happening and I have to accept that it might happen. Worrying about it is not going to help or solve the problem.

So I'm gearing up for new. I'm ready for changes, new beginnings, cleaner moods.

An Aftertaste Of Surveillance

Of course, this could all be a coincidence. A nice, very well orchestrated fluke. Although, I doubt it is...

Last weekend, an ex of my ex (who also happen to be a close friend of his) came to the store where I work. He wanted to say hello, see how I was doing. I thought it was really nice of him. I was quite glad to see him again, as he always seemed to be a really kind person. So we talked for a bit and then he left. I didn't really think twice about it.

But then, today, my ex's best friend happened to walk in the store. My first thought was to go and find some chore to do in the back, to avoid him. On second thought, I went straight to him and said hello. He didn't really seem shocked to see me there, but still blurted out unconvincingly that he "didn't remember I worked there". So he ended up asking me how I was doing, a question to which I replied I was doing fine. Then I asked him how he was doing. He told me about his new work and intership and everything and then reciprocated, asking me what I was up to, in the field of studies. So I told him about my portuguese lessons and then studying photography. He was looking increasingly bored and looked away all the time, then, just said something along the lines of: "yeah, that's nice, buh-bye".

He didn't leave the store right away but kept browsing, with a friend of his. Oftentimes I turned around and saw he was staring at me. He left a couple of minutes after.

Now, I have to mention that that friend of my ex never liked me. I felt that he was threatened by me and always acted weird around me. My ex and him were really close friends, sometimes it felt just a bit too close of a friendship. I often wanted to ask Benoit about the whole matter, about if they had been together before. I never did ask. I probably should have.

Thinking about that also had me thinking about how Benoit seemed to be researching the impossible, looking for a lover that can never quite exist, a construct of his most profound fantasy. Of course, nobody can mesure up to that fantasy. At the same time, his best friend appeared to me to be the closest match to that fantasy of his.

I came to those two little conclusive thoughts on my way back home:

1. Benoit and his best friend should probably just get together, once and for all.
2. If Benoit happens to be checking up on me, he definitely should cut that out. Either speak to me directly or just avoid me altogether. No proxy, no sentinels, nothing.

Also, I remembered today that Benoit still has a CD of mine, Stereolab's Dots And Loops LP. I'd really like to have my CD back...

Mood Uppers

I've been meaning to write a little blog entry titled "Tidbits of Happiness" for a bit. I never really had time to do it though and then, my mood went down a couple of floors.

Today, mood went back up though. So I figured it was as good a time as any to finally write about little things that bring me joy, along with some mood uppers I had the pleasure to experience today.

Tidbits of Happiness (not an exhaustive list)

• Having my hair flap about when there's wind blowing
• Rain, in all forms (Walking in the rain, listening to jazz music in the living room with the rain falling outside, etc)
• Waking up really early in the morning and just getting out
• Listening to music in the Metro and have the surroundings conform to the sounds and the beats
• Dancing at work
• Walking back home from the Metro station (either 30 or 40 minutes, depending on which station)
• Making eye contact with people

Mood Uppers (not an exhaustive list!)

• Witnessing random acts of kindness performed by strangers
• S U N
• Knowing there's friends around when you need them
• Noticing that my subconscious mind has just saved my ass
• Going running
• Grabbing a smoothie at Liquid Nutrition on Drummond St. (fave one: Blueberry Burst)
• Seeing proof that some people in this world actually believe in me and my work

Quick List 1: I Look Forward To...

• my portuguese lessons (next monday!)
• studying photography (next august/september)
• receiving an admission reply from Concordia University, so I'll know whether I'll be studying photo in Cégep or University
• the summer (yes, quite odd coming from me)
• taking driving lessons and getting my driver's licence (in my second year of photo studies)
• travelling (don't know when, but it can't be soon enough)
• meeting new people, making new friends, discovering other views of the world
• having some money leftover for me to go clothes shopping (because I am currently on a rotation of four shirts and three pairs of pants, none making my ass beautiful)
• having some money
• being kissed
• meeting friends from abroad I have not seen in a long time
• running a marathon (still some time to go before I'm actually ready for it, but it's a goal!)
• being kissed again (preferably by the same person who will have kissed me three lines ago and having that person kiss me again for quite some time. that would rock)
• leaving for a week or two on a to-nowhere-in-particular trip, just going somewhere and taking pictures in the process
• photoshooting this summer the stuff that's been in my head for a year now
• the next time I'll see my family again

Je transgresse

Je transgresse ici plusieurs règles personnelles. Je vais écrire ceci en français. Je ne me censurerai pas.

Je voudrais tellement que les choses soient différentes présentement. J'aimerais ne jamais t'avoir rencontré, Benoit. J'aimerais ne pas être dans l'état où je suis. Je voudrais ne pas me sentir vide. Je voudrais ne pas me sentir ridicule d'être encore chaviré par ton départ. Je voudrais ne pas me sentir désagréable, inadéquat, inopportun et inimportant.

Je voudrais vivre ailleurs, je voudrais connaître autre chose. Je voudrais que le temps passe plus rapidement, que l'été arrive, que ma vie change encore. Je voudrais ne plus être instable, je voudrais ne plus m'intéresser aux gens qui ne s'intéressent tout simplement pas à moi.

Je voudrais traverser tout ceci et me réveiller en étant bien demain matin. Je voudrais ne pas être en train de souhaiter que ma vie soit comme avant, je voudrais ne pas avoir l'impression de basculer. Je voudrais ne pas avoir à toujours me donner un coup de pied au derrière pour me lever le matin parce que, relativement souvent, je me réveille en ayant l'impression de n'avoir rien à donner, rien à offrir, rien à apporter.

Je voudrais sentir que je compte pour quelqu'un. Car, présentement, je n'y crois plus vraiment...

Ich kann nicht schlafen

Yeah, I can't sleep. I just woke up at 4 am, a little confused, out of a dream I don't really remember. Now, I just can't go back to sleep but that's nothing worrying, it's my usual way. I have slept just so much at my mother's house this weekend that it's expected for me not to be able to sleep well for a bit after.

I went back home last weekend. Last time I went back was a month before, for my birthday and it had only been a quick visit. I went home for dinner then came back to Montreal to sleep. Last time I went back to really spend a weekend was almost two months ago. This weekend I saw my uncles and aunts, all asked what I was up to, what I was doing, how I was managing in school, how I was managing through life. Pretty much everyone avoided the love topic, my mother having already told them about my breakup. However I didn't avoid the love topic when talking with my mother. Getting her point of view face to face on what had happened was reassuring, soothing. She gave me some sound advice, the kind only a mother can give.

I realised that I was ripe for a little hometown trip. The city had started getting to me. I had begun experiencing the kind of loneliness you only can feel when in the city. Also, I needed just some time to step back from everything. April 2005 will have been one hellish month. I know, though, that there's better days to come, that this is a new month and it will bring some new, grand, exciting things. I'm hopeful. Or maybe I'm just naive.

I'm giving up on love for a while. I don't know if I should be writing 'I'm giving up on romance' instead, because love is such a vast paradigm. I don't know. It's romantic love I'm giving up on. I am not letting go of the love I have for my family and friends. I guess I'm just shutting down this part of me that could love another person. Just for a while.

It's 5 am and I'm staring at this screen. I'm having one of those moments. I was fine before going to bed. Now I feel sad again. I don't know how to deal with this feeling. Time will do it's thing, if I believe what everybody has been telling me.

Had I a driver's licence and a car I would just get out and drive away. Go far, see the coast, leave this sadness behind. Find myself just for a while. See the sunrise and spend the day waiting for it to set. Good thing I can't drive, 'cause that would be just fleeing my problems.

Love (or the lack thereof). The simplest thing in life can sometime be so difficult, so hard, so painful.