On days like today, it feels like there's a force inside of me. Some dark vortex that's fighting against my wellbeing, trying to bring me back to the caves, to the places where there's no light, no way of seeing what's real and what's not, what's true and what's fake. It happens in little bouts: I'll be having fun with my family or just being happy doing something and then it hits. I'll have a vision of something really dark, I'll feel something shift inside of me. We'll pass over a bridge and automatically I'll begin wondering what would happen if it just crashed. I'll be on the metro quay and I'll just imagine what would happen if I jumped. What if? What if I did?
Of course I don't. I don't jump in front of a coming metro, I don't fall from the ledge of buildings. But I imagine it. I'll dream of it. Or I'll have nightmares of another order altogether. The dreams will be of really dark, gloomy, haunting things...
I wish I could just get that out and away from my system. Just not feel it. Not feel completely at odds with myself. At least, I would like to have a way to hunt it out, to make it leave my mind and my body.
On a day like today, I wish I were someone else (kinda).
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