Learn To Trust

I'm the biggest hindrance to my personal happiness. As good a thing can occur in my life, there constantly is a little part of me trying to deconstruct it; searching for the flipside, the element enabling me to hurt again.

Why this is so, I am not certain. Maybe it's out of habit, maybe I'm just a negative-thinking kinda person. Maybe it's just that I cannot accept good things happening to me because it seems like such a foreign concept.

I went with my boyfriend to gay bars about three times in the past two weeks. It seems to have stirred old fears inside of me...

We went to a dragqueen cabaret the first time. There, he stumbled onto many people he knows, greeted them, chatted a bit. One of them was an ex-boyfriend of his. He and another friend of my boyfriend danced with us. I guess it was that evening when the old fears started surfacing...

The week following we went to a gay club. I was meeting my boyfriend at his place. When I arrived, the friend of his from the week before was already there. I had not been notified of that. We all left for the bar and met up with my boyfriend's badminton partner and his boyfriend. At the bar was a line-up for entry. I felt really uncomfortable, out of place, in line with all those fashionable people eyeing one another. It took some 15 minutes but we finally got in the club. Walked up to one of the dancefloors and danced all evening. At first I couldn't get into the music, I was unable to dance. I warmed up and finally danced my body off. We left around 2am. For the whole duration of the night, I had nightmares of various forms. All related to either my boyfriend leaving me for someone better-looking, more-interesting, more-creative, either him cheating on me, etc. All stupid thoughts. I would wake up after every single one, opening my eyes and seeing the one I love fast asleep next to me. I'd breathe out, noticing just how silly it is to have dreams like that then go back to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat until the sun comes up.

This was bothering me. That I'd be unable to trust the one I love, for no real reason. That I'd be threatened by the fact that, in all actuality, there are other guys out there. This behaviour and line of thinking is just not me. I am not like that. I am not one to mistrust, I am not one to doubt people, especially not people so close to my heart...

My dear flatmate told me I should have a chat about all of this with Benoit because if I don't get little annoyances or questionnings out of the way as soon as they come, they'll just get bigger and bigger until the bottle explodes. As usual, she was right.

Last night, we went to the dragqueen cabaret again, this time with my boyfriend's best friend. I was in high spirits, having had an excellent day and an excellent evening at work. Shortly after arriving to the cabaret though, my spirits sunk low, very low. We were standing in the crowd and I began feeling really bad. Hollow and unimportant, unneeded, even. I had trouble breathing. The way the crowd was organised I was standing in the middle, behind my boyfriend and his best friend. The Eternal Third Wheel. My state of unwellness must have been obvious because very soon I had both my boyfriend and his best friend asking me if I was liking the show, if I was OK. Pride it might have been, but I couldn't say out loud that I was having a sudden burst of anxiety. Had it not been of my backpack being at my boyfriend's place instead of with me, I would have just gotten my coat and left the place, running, most probably. I did not. I stayed. Benoit at one point asked me again how I was, I said I was unwell. We went downstairs and I told him about my panicking. He gave me his thoughts on the matter, hugged me, encouraged me to face this panic and not leave. Between the time when we arrived to this corridor a little crowd had formed, waiting for the restrooms. They had all witnessed, me at my weakest, my boyfriend encouraging me, doing his best. Back upstairs, it was the intermission and there was dancing happening. I pushed myself back to the surface and danced. It must have lasted over 45 minutes. We left before the beginning of the second part of the show.

Once out, Benoit's best friend left for his car, we were walking back. It did not take me long to just vomit out everything that was bothering me. It all began with a: "I think I have insecurities towards you". It escaladed to me telling him all about what was on my mind. In hindsight, I could have done it better, but considering how I was feeling, I stayed really mature. My not knowing his views on fidelity and monogamy, the sometimes lack of communication between us, all of that (and more, even) came through my mouth in a very short time. I then turned silent. Arrived at his place, we sat at the table. He asked me:
"-What are you afraid of, Oli?
-I'm afraid of you hurting me
I'm afraid of you leaving me for someone better looking, more creative, more interesting than I am
I'm afraid of not being able to trust you even though I love you so very much
I'm afraid of becoming afraid of getting old
I'm afraid of getting through another summer like when we first met, unable to eat, sleep or breathe"
It all came out. Like a geyser. An emotional volcano. He held my hand all through. He reassured me as best he could, giving me his viewpoint. We then went to bed. He stayed close to me, kissed me. Then we fell asleep.

We woke up at 1pm today. Had breakfast and then he dropped me off at a metro station as he was going to that neighbourhood to visit a flat. We sang along to a tape that was playing in the car. As it was time for me to get out of the car, we just parted saying bye, see you later. Kissed. So it was.

I took my iPod out and tuned into music. Grabbed a coffee and hopped in the bus. Melancholy setting in.

I am feeling melancholic. I don't know what's going to happen. This feels like a crisis. Will there be casualties, I do not know. It seems though that I have little issues to sort out for myself...

Turning 23, Moving Forward

On March 26th, it was my birthday. I turned 23. That saturday I had probably the best birthday ever.

My mother threw a birthday dinner for me. So, after work I went over to my boyfriend's place where we left for Granby. It was just so excellent. My mother, my sister and her husband, my flatmate, my boyfriend and my dear friends Marie and Martin were there. Like a reunion of all the very important people in my life, the ones I truly cherish. During the dinner we were chatting and laughing. At one point, I looked across the table and felt such a peculiar tingle in my stomach. I thought: "this has to be happiness". I am certain it is.

Addendum: The One I Never Write About

I reread myself today. Since moving to Montreal, there's one person that's been making my life a shinier, happier place. Yet I never wrote a single thing about him.

My boyfriend. A guy I met nearly two years ago. We've been through some really complicated things and now that I'm in Montreal, we actually are together. I find that amazing.

He makes me happy. He makes me smile. He has a great sense of humor and he is just so completely beautiful.

Thank you for being part of my life. I love you.

Profile Picture! New!

New profile picture! (for real this time)

Gone

The gloom is gone. Finally. After four days. But it left and that's what's important.

Today I have a second interview for a job I really want. Good thing I'm back to my joyous, energetic self.

Will post about how it all went later today.

Continuing Dark Feelings

I really wonder what's going on with me. This nagging emotion just doesn't want to go away. Things are fine, why do I have to feel gloom?

I went to my mother's for two days, thinking it would just help. It didn't. I had a killer of a bad day tuesday and I've been feeling not extremely well since then. The two days in Granby didn't change much of it. Yesterday I wrote about what was happening here and it helped... for a couple of hours. Not long after, the relief flew away and came back the dark clouds.

I wonder if this should worry me or if I should just accept this as something that happens and something that will pass (and not as a sign of impending doom).

This Bit Of Darkness (that resides inside of me)

On days like today, it feels like there's a force inside of me. Some dark vortex that's fighting against my wellbeing, trying to bring me back to the caves, to the places where there's no light, no way of seeing what's real and what's not, what's true and what's fake. It happens in little bouts: I'll be having fun with my family or just being happy doing something and then it hits. I'll have a vision of something really dark, I'll feel something shift inside of me. We'll pass over a bridge and automatically I'll begin wondering what would happen if it just crashed. I'll be on the metro quay and I'll just imagine what would happen if I jumped. What if? What if I did?

Of course I don't. I don't jump in front of a coming metro, I don't fall from the ledge of buildings. But I imagine it. I'll dream of it. Or I'll have nightmares of another order altogether. The dreams will be of really dark, gloomy, haunting things...

I wish I could just get that out and away from my system. Just not feel it. Not feel completely at odds with myself. At least, I would like to have a way to hunt it out, to make it leave my mind and my body.

On a day like today, I wish I were someone else (kinda).