Something rather primordial has hit me sometime ago. It's really important yet seems and appears so simple, much like the key one's searching for all through the house, only to realise it was in their pocket all along.
I don't exactly know how or why, but for so long I've been trying to be something else, to do something else, all the time. Trying to be good at everything, to make my life into something it's not. Trying to study things that I have never really done before, thinking I would rock at it. Constantly.
I was having another period of questionning and one morning I woke up, having realised something. I need to focus. Plain and simple. Focus my energy, my efforts into matters I know, matters that aliment me. What has been plaguing me for a long time was the need to overextend myself, to be everything. Of course, I can't be that. I can't be good at everything (and I really am not). It's certain that I am good at certain things though, it's on those things I need to focus.
Found that key last week, feeling much calmer since then.
20041025
20041021
I Would Like To Get To Know You
There's this boy who works in the same mall as me. He seems really nice, smart and all. Since I returned to the bookstore in early spring, I have been bumping into him randomly. Then once he came to the bookstore looking for this very cool, artsy-deep comic book. After that, we started chatting smalltalk while we were both getting coffees at the coffeeshop in the mall. It would happen every now and again. It then culminated when he came to the bookstore again looking for Andreas Bitesnich's latest book, On Form. We didn't have the book, because it is not distributed through french canadian distribution channels. So he left the bookstore.
A month and a half, if not two, went by without bumping into him. I would see him on the street, from afar, but that would be it.
Last thursday, my mother was having her day off and wanted to go shopping with me. What was supposed to be one little store finally ended up being a couple of stores and then going to the mall. It was early in the day and I was nearly straight out of bed so I just grabbed whatever pants were available and went shopping like that, unshaven and really not looking hot. Reaching the end of my mother's shopping intention we left the mall and passed in front of the store where the guy works. He was standing in the entrance to his store. I waved to him, he waved back.
Went back home, shaved and did everything I could to look decent for work. I arrived earlier to the mall that evening, wanting to get a coffee and fill out my second application form in order to mail it before heading towards the bookstore. As I was completing the form someone waved their hand in front of my face. It was him. Asked me what I was doing, I replied. Then invited him to sit down. We talked for about 5-10 minutes, about school and our lifesituations in general. Time to go to work arrived. We left but before leaving I mentioned having made a bit of googling on the photographer whose book he came to buy the time prior. Having mentionned that I liked his work, he said: "I'll bring you magazines featuring his work then". Yeah, alright, whatever I'm sure he meant.
Next day, I go to get a coffee before work (I have mentionned being a bit of a coffee junkie before, no?) and head to work, haven't seen the guy. There were quite a lot of people in the bookstore that evening. Out of the blue, the guy walks in the bookstore, carrying a plastic bag and having a grin on his face. After I'm done with my customer I go to see him. He hands me the bag, saying those were the magazines. Tells me to give him my opinion on the stuff. I say thanks and introduce myself (I didn't know his name before and neither did he mine). After that he leaves.
Being a rather fast reader I went through the sections of the magazines on Andreas Bitesnich that same evening and so I was ready to bring back the magazines to him the next day. During my lunch time, at noon, a Saturday, I head out of the bookstore to bring him his belongings. I had three scenarios planned out. If he was working at that moment and felt there was an opening for more conversation and seeing each other outside of the mall, I would give him my phone number so we could have a chat. If he was working but I felt there was no opening, I would just hand him the bag, thank him and walk away. If it turned out he wasn't working I would slip a little note in the bag, saying: "Thanks a lot! -Oli P.S. How about a chat?". So I go to the bookstore and he's not working. As he had said to do in case he wasn't there, I went to a coworker of his and hand her the bag, saying I was bringing it back to him. Subtlely slipped the note inside the bag and gave it to her, then left.
So that's it. That's where I stand at the moment. Haven't seen him since then. The thing is, he is really the kind of person I'd like to get to know. I would definitely like having a new guy friend in this town.
A month and a half, if not two, went by without bumping into him. I would see him on the street, from afar, but that would be it.
Last thursday, my mother was having her day off and wanted to go shopping with me. What was supposed to be one little store finally ended up being a couple of stores and then going to the mall. It was early in the day and I was nearly straight out of bed so I just grabbed whatever pants were available and went shopping like that, unshaven and really not looking hot. Reaching the end of my mother's shopping intention we left the mall and passed in front of the store where the guy works. He was standing in the entrance to his store. I waved to him, he waved back.
Went back home, shaved and did everything I could to look decent for work. I arrived earlier to the mall that evening, wanting to get a coffee and fill out my second application form in order to mail it before heading towards the bookstore. As I was completing the form someone waved their hand in front of my face. It was him. Asked me what I was doing, I replied. Then invited him to sit down. We talked for about 5-10 minutes, about school and our lifesituations in general. Time to go to work arrived. We left but before leaving I mentioned having made a bit of googling on the photographer whose book he came to buy the time prior. Having mentionned that I liked his work, he said: "I'll bring you magazines featuring his work then". Yeah, alright, whatever I'm sure he meant.
Next day, I go to get a coffee before work (I have mentionned being a bit of a coffee junkie before, no?) and head to work, haven't seen the guy. There were quite a lot of people in the bookstore that evening. Out of the blue, the guy walks in the bookstore, carrying a plastic bag and having a grin on his face. After I'm done with my customer I go to see him. He hands me the bag, saying those were the magazines. Tells me to give him my opinion on the stuff. I say thanks and introduce myself (I didn't know his name before and neither did he mine). After that he leaves.
Being a rather fast reader I went through the sections of the magazines on Andreas Bitesnich that same evening and so I was ready to bring back the magazines to him the next day. During my lunch time, at noon, a Saturday, I head out of the bookstore to bring him his belongings. I had three scenarios planned out. If he was working at that moment and felt there was an opening for more conversation and seeing each other outside of the mall, I would give him my phone number so we could have a chat. If he was working but I felt there was no opening, I would just hand him the bag, thank him and walk away. If it turned out he wasn't working I would slip a little note in the bag, saying: "Thanks a lot! -Oli P.S. How about a chat?". So I go to the bookstore and he's not working. As he had said to do in case he wasn't there, I went to a coworker of his and hand her the bag, saying I was bringing it back to him. Subtlely slipped the note inside the bag and gave it to her, then left.
So that's it. That's where I stand at the moment. Haven't seen him since then. The thing is, he is really the kind of person I'd like to get to know. I would definitely like having a new guy friend in this town.
20041014
Plan B
Here's the plan of action. I will not take the patience route and wait until September 2005 to go back to school. I will not just wait out for Université de Montréal to reevaluate my file (if they actually do). I will take action.
Went to the Cégep today to get an admission brochure for UQAM. I will apply there in history of arts, since I still have two weeks left before admission closing. It's a very sensible choice for many reasons. If I still want to do film, then I'll have new university grades to up my current score, thus helping in having me accepted without having to go through the minor first. If I decide to apply in visual arts at UQAM, then I'll already be a student there which should help the process (of course I will have to present a killer portfolio, but I can work on that). Also, it means I will not go through another bout of stagnancy.
That's my plan B.
Went to the Cégep today to get an admission brochure for UQAM. I will apply there in history of arts, since I still have two weeks left before admission closing. It's a very sensible choice for many reasons. If I still want to do film, then I'll have new university grades to up my current score, thus helping in having me accepted without having to go through the minor first. If I decide to apply in visual arts at UQAM, then I'll already be a student there which should help the process (of course I will have to present a killer portfolio, but I can work on that). Also, it means I will not go through another bout of stagnancy.
That's my plan B.
20041013
The Intangible Hand Playing The Drum Machine
I have no bloody idea how I am going to make sense of that one.
With the letters I received from the university yesterday, my current plan of action appears rather brittle. As esoteric as it sounds, it feels like all of this was pre-sequenced and the tune is playing just the way it should be. The intangible hand of the forces above playing the drum machine.
On one hand, I could always wait for the university to re-evaluate my file (which "might or might not have been put on hold") all the while organising everything to move to Montreal for this coming january. If university craps out on me, then I'm in the city with no real goal and probably no real means either.
Upside: Leaving home, taking off.
Downside: I could easily mess up with so little safety margin and have to come back home (again).
On the other hand, I could follow what was the original plan, that one being going back to school in september 2005. I would apply in visual arts (you know, a real program, where i'll be able to work in sculpting and installation and medias and all that stuff) and film again, probably. I would take the time between now and march to create a killer portfolio, one that will make the evaluators go "DAMN! We have to have that kid". Paralel to that, I would start looking for a new job, a full time one, and save money. Also, I would work on my music and my guitar learning.
Upside: If well orchestrated, an excellent springboard and safetynet.
Downside: Staying home until next summer.
Understandably, there is no clear answer to this problem. No obvious way out. Yet another thing I have to figure out. Of course I want to leave here and experience a new life as soon as possible. At the same time, I really don't want to have to crawl back home, wings burned again. I want to have it so that when I leave, I will have left. No coming back (not coming back to live, I mean).
I am allowing myself a couple of days to decide which way to go. There'll be casualties whichever road I take. Damn.
Oh, I almost forgot. The datestamp on the letters from the university coincides with the day I woke up feeling my admission had been denied.
With the letters I received from the university yesterday, my current plan of action appears rather brittle. As esoteric as it sounds, it feels like all of this was pre-sequenced and the tune is playing just the way it should be. The intangible hand of the forces above playing the drum machine.
On one hand, I could always wait for the university to re-evaluate my file (which "might or might not have been put on hold") all the while organising everything to move to Montreal for this coming january. If university craps out on me, then I'm in the city with no real goal and probably no real means either.
Upside: Leaving home, taking off.
Downside: I could easily mess up with so little safety margin and have to come back home (again).
On the other hand, I could follow what was the original plan, that one being going back to school in september 2005. I would apply in visual arts (you know, a real program, where i'll be able to work in sculpting and installation and medias and all that stuff) and film again, probably. I would take the time between now and march to create a killer portfolio, one that will make the evaluators go "DAMN! We have to have that kid". Paralel to that, I would start looking for a new job, a full time one, and save money. Also, I would work on my music and my guitar learning.
Upside: If well orchestrated, an excellent springboard and safetynet.
Downside: Staying home until next summer.
Understandably, there is no clear answer to this problem. No obvious way out. Yet another thing I have to figure out. Of course I want to leave here and experience a new life as soon as possible. At the same time, I really don't want to have to crawl back home, wings burned again. I want to have it so that when I leave, I will have left. No coming back (not coming back to live, I mean).
I am allowing myself a couple of days to decide which way to go. There'll be casualties whichever road I take. Damn.
Oh, I almost forgot. The datestamp on the letters from the university coincides with the day I woke up feeling my admission had been denied.
20041012
Goddamn
Well well,
Two letters were waiting in the mailbox for me this morning. Both from the university I applied to. Both to tell me that my application had been turned down because they hadn't received the requiered payment for my admission. I made the payment for my admission request, all following the guidelines.
So I called the admission office of the university. After waiting a very long time on the phone while they were checking things in my file, I got this very unhelpful response: "We're in the process of changing systems. Now everything is scanned into the computer. Please ignore the letters you have just received and keep in mind that no admission file will be evaluated before mid-november, if not mid-december..." Then, just as security, I asked if it was safe to assume an admission if the selected program was not-limited and open. The lady told me that it was not a good idea to assume such a thing, considering that the main criterion for entry is excellency of the student record.
Now, what do I do of all this? It's certain that I have to start looking for a place to live in Montreal and that I have to get a job for the winter in order to survive, all of which knowing that I just might not even be a student this winter, invalidating mostly everything.
This sucks so much.
Two letters were waiting in the mailbox for me this morning. Both from the university I applied to. Both to tell me that my application had been turned down because they hadn't received the requiered payment for my admission. I made the payment for my admission request, all following the guidelines.
So I called the admission office of the university. After waiting a very long time on the phone while they were checking things in my file, I got this very unhelpful response: "We're in the process of changing systems. Now everything is scanned into the computer. Please ignore the letters you have just received and keep in mind that no admission file will be evaluated before mid-november, if not mid-december..." Then, just as security, I asked if it was safe to assume an admission if the selected program was not-limited and open. The lady told me that it was not a good idea to assume such a thing, considering that the main criterion for entry is excellency of the student record.
Now, what do I do of all this? It's certain that I have to start looking for a place to live in Montreal and that I have to get a job for the winter in order to survive, all of which knowing that I just might not even be a student this winter, invalidating mostly everything.
This sucks so much.
20041008
Anger
I'm feeling a lot of anger recently. Anger and frustration, both of which I am keeping inside. I am not the angry type. But this daily life is really sucking the positivity out of me.
It seems I am stuck in a cycle, a cycle that I don't understand. I am angry at myself because I am constantly bringing myself down. I am my worst enemy, really. I just can't stop this neverending series of I'm Worthless, I'm Ugly, I Suck, People Think I'm Stupid, I Am Stupid, etc. That's most probably the cause of my problem. I am underachieving because even before I begin anything I'm thinking that I just can't do it, being the talentless sucker that I am.
I am angry at this life I am living because I am not doing anything. I work part-time in a bookstore, as a cashier/clerk, I am still at home. I applied for university and I still haven't gotten a response which is beginning to really annoy and worry me. I am not well organised which means that even if I get in, it'll be problematic just to get my shit in order.
I need something drastic to change. I am really frustrated at everything. I am wondering if this will go on forever, if I'm destined to a life of mediocrity. Things must change but I just don't know what to do to make a change, one that'll be worthy. There must be a lesson to learn but I'm too blind to see it. Things have got to change really because the way this is going, I'll be wishing for someone to blow my brains out fairly soon.
And, of course I'm keeping all of this to myself because I don't want to annoy people with that.
It seems I am stuck in a cycle, a cycle that I don't understand. I am angry at myself because I am constantly bringing myself down. I am my worst enemy, really. I just can't stop this neverending series of I'm Worthless, I'm Ugly, I Suck, People Think I'm Stupid, I Am Stupid, etc. That's most probably the cause of my problem. I am underachieving because even before I begin anything I'm thinking that I just can't do it, being the talentless sucker that I am.
I am angry at this life I am living because I am not doing anything. I work part-time in a bookstore, as a cashier/clerk, I am still at home. I applied for university and I still haven't gotten a response which is beginning to really annoy and worry me. I am not well organised which means that even if I get in, it'll be problematic just to get my shit in order.
I need something drastic to change. I am really frustrated at everything. I am wondering if this will go on forever, if I'm destined to a life of mediocrity. Things must change but I just don't know what to do to make a change, one that'll be worthy. There must be a lesson to learn but I'm too blind to see it. Things have got to change really because the way this is going, I'll be wishing for someone to blow my brains out fairly soon.
And, of course I'm keeping all of this to myself because I don't want to annoy people with that.
Just A Thought
Normally, I shouldn't be thinking about going back to something that once didn't work out. Never go back, they say. Still, for some reason, I've been thinking about what it would be like to go back to Sherbrooke to redo my certificate in visual arts...
Last time, many things went wrong. I was unmotivated, I didn't work as hard as I should have, I let myself be destroyed by my flatmate-from-hell, I was depressed and un-energetic and, most important, I thought I was a Worthless Piece Of Shit.
From that, I got a really sucky university gradecard (1 failed course, 1 D, 1 C, 2 B) and the impression that if I want to apply somewhere to do a real bachelor's degree in visual arts I'll be turned down as quickly as you can shout DROP-OUT!!
So, I was thinking, with me being a year wiser, what would it be like to just go back, swallow my pride, accept the fact that it's far from being the best and most stimulating program and just get on with it, be the smart, strong and creative person I know I can be/I am and just do it.
It's just a thought, only a thought.
Last time, many things went wrong. I was unmotivated, I didn't work as hard as I should have, I let myself be destroyed by my flatmate-from-hell, I was depressed and un-energetic and, most important, I thought I was a Worthless Piece Of Shit.
From that, I got a really sucky university gradecard (1 failed course, 1 D, 1 C, 2 B) and the impression that if I want to apply somewhere to do a real bachelor's degree in visual arts I'll be turned down as quickly as you can shout DROP-OUT!!
So, I was thinking, with me being a year wiser, what would it be like to just go back, swallow my pride, accept the fact that it's far from being the best and most stimulating program and just get on with it, be the smart, strong and creative person I know I can be/I am and just do it.
It's just a thought, only a thought.
20041005
Back On Track (Mostly)
The day after last post, I got better. Woke up and within an hour it seemed all the negative energy had left my innerself. Motivation, inspiration and even joy came back. Lovely.
But then, none of my real problems are solved. I am still very low on cash and I don't really have any savings as of now. I am not working enough hours to really save up that much but then I can't find a second job as they have started giving me shifts in the middle of the week, changing every week. Still no news from the university, which means I simply don't know if I got in or not.
This morning, I woke up with the gut feeling that my admission to university was denied. That got me thinking: if I am not admitted, what will I do? I have no plan B on this. I am not down and I will not stress about that until I know for sure.
So basically I'm back to my good self again, but none of the problems are solved.
And I still have the feeling something major is going to happen shortly...
But then, none of my real problems are solved. I am still very low on cash and I don't really have any savings as of now. I am not working enough hours to really save up that much but then I can't find a second job as they have started giving me shifts in the middle of the week, changing every week. Still no news from the university, which means I simply don't know if I got in or not.
This morning, I woke up with the gut feeling that my admission to university was denied. That got me thinking: if I am not admitted, what will I do? I have no plan B on this. I am not down and I will not stress about that until I know for sure.
So basically I'm back to my good self again, but none of the problems are solved.
And I still have the feeling something major is going to happen shortly...
20041001
Combination Cabin Fever
I am simply going out of my mind. Slowly. Cabin fever is setting in. I've been back home for over 9 months now. I know it means there are only 3 to go (maybe even a bit less), but at this point, it kinda feels permanent. Completely freaky.
I have had rather scary moments recently. I woke up one morning about two weeks ago and I felt as though I had been robbed of all reasons to live. Suddenly, boom!, nothing. I began wondering what was my motivation, what kept me pushing forward. Didn't find an answer. Useless, I felt so completely useless. Talentless. Worthless. Completely.
Then, with my dear friend Emi, we went to see G and have lunch with him. It was heaven. A great day. Tons of fun with the added bonus of G being moderately demonstrative, taking my hand, hugging me. Came back here and my other dear friend left a message saying that she was going to Montreal the next day and that if I wanted the ride it would be a nice occasion for me to see G. I went. G and I spent the whole evening walking about, while my friend was at a show. I was walking next to him and just wanted to hug him, kiss him. I didn't. He was colder than before. I felt that something had shifted inside him. I couldn't say why or what it was. Then I left him at a metro station, he went one way, I went the other, to meet my friends at another station. Came back to town and on the way made a stop at a coffee shop. I felt sad, didn't know why, couldn't explain.
The next day was the top of the feeling useless days: I felt completely hollow. At work I hid it as much as possible, serving the customers impeccably. The day went by slowly and my mother was picking me up afterwards. We were to go buy fresh produce at a farm 15 minutes away from town. I had only been in the car 5 minutes and I completely broke down crying. Shattered and clueless. Cried for me missing G like crazy, cried for feeling completely useless and talentless, cried for me going out of my mind. Went to bed early that night.
Then, for the whole of this week, I've been keeping busy. Working as much as possible: working on my music, working on drawings, writings. But cabin fever has really set in. It sometimes feel like I'm just really going to implode.
I have had rather scary moments recently. I woke up one morning about two weeks ago and I felt as though I had been robbed of all reasons to live. Suddenly, boom!, nothing. I began wondering what was my motivation, what kept me pushing forward. Didn't find an answer. Useless, I felt so completely useless. Talentless. Worthless. Completely.
Then, with my dear friend Emi, we went to see G and have lunch with him. It was heaven. A great day. Tons of fun with the added bonus of G being moderately demonstrative, taking my hand, hugging me. Came back here and my other dear friend left a message saying that she was going to Montreal the next day and that if I wanted the ride it would be a nice occasion for me to see G. I went. G and I spent the whole evening walking about, while my friend was at a show. I was walking next to him and just wanted to hug him, kiss him. I didn't. He was colder than before. I felt that something had shifted inside him. I couldn't say why or what it was. Then I left him at a metro station, he went one way, I went the other, to meet my friends at another station. Came back to town and on the way made a stop at a coffee shop. I felt sad, didn't know why, couldn't explain.
The next day was the top of the feeling useless days: I felt completely hollow. At work I hid it as much as possible, serving the customers impeccably. The day went by slowly and my mother was picking me up afterwards. We were to go buy fresh produce at a farm 15 minutes away from town. I had only been in the car 5 minutes and I completely broke down crying. Shattered and clueless. Cried for me missing G like crazy, cried for feeling completely useless and talentless, cried for me going out of my mind. Went to bed early that night.
Then, for the whole of this week, I've been keeping busy. Working as much as possible: working on my music, working on drawings, writings. But cabin fever has really set in. It sometimes feel like I'm just really going to implode.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
