enraged and frustrated
life seems to really enjoy making cruel jokes, waving what could be the savior of my situation in front of my face. and once hope has set in, then either the situation stagnates and nothing moves, or life simply just withdraw what might have helped, leaving me there, frustrated. that's what i call a cruel joke.
and that has just happened on the job front. now i'm just waiting, because nothing moved, everything stagnates...
grrrrrr
20040109
one week in
it's been nearly one whole week since "the free time" has begun. i can't say it's been joyous all week, it's really hard to have days with nothing planned to do. my life used to depend so much on schedule and things to do that having not much planned (except work shifts) is like falling in a lake from 1000m of altitude.
there's an odd feeling i can't shake off: the feeling of unreality. since i moved back, i have had this sensation of things, life, everything not being completely real. it just might be the pernicious consequence of all that's been happening, or just the continuation of the confusion left by my autumn schooling, i don't know. everyday feels padded, odd, slightly off-center. i still can't really find myself. very much like a maelström i'm spiraling down. i have no idea where my art is going or even what my art is. again, i feel i don't know anything anymore; i know myself even less.
i even started doubting my capacities at art. am i really an artist? was that all a fluke? confusion doing it's thing again. deep down i know that i am not made to work in any other field than the arts, but i guess i have to convince myself, or find some form of direction...
it's been nearly one whole week since "the free time" has begun. i can't say it's been joyous all week, it's really hard to have days with nothing planned to do. my life used to depend so much on schedule and things to do that having not much planned (except work shifts) is like falling in a lake from 1000m of altitude.
there's an odd feeling i can't shake off: the feeling of unreality. since i moved back, i have had this sensation of things, life, everything not being completely real. it just might be the pernicious consequence of all that's been happening, or just the continuation of the confusion left by my autumn schooling, i don't know. everyday feels padded, odd, slightly off-center. i still can't really find myself. very much like a maelström i'm spiraling down. i have no idea where my art is going or even what my art is. again, i feel i don't know anything anymore; i know myself even less.
i even started doubting my capacities at art. am i really an artist? was that all a fluke? confusion doing it's thing again. deep down i know that i am not made to work in any other field than the arts, but i guess i have to convince myself, or find some form of direction...
20040103
drunk on time
as the confusion and sadness of the past weeks is fading away, a new feeling is rising. a sheer feeling of euphoria, the effect of an all powerful substance: time. i am drunk on time.
i normally never have free time on my hands. therefore, projects and ideas i have always go unfulfilled because i simply do not have time to work on them. but now i do. starting monday, i'll have each weekdays and three weekday evenings to work on my art, my projects, my life. that's quite something. though with this much time available, i will have to instate not a schedule, but a form of discipline. this might be the hard part of it but heck, i'm up for a challenge!
so i say: bring it on!
as the confusion and sadness of the past weeks is fading away, a new feeling is rising. a sheer feeling of euphoria, the effect of an all powerful substance: time. i am drunk on time.
i normally never have free time on my hands. therefore, projects and ideas i have always go unfulfilled because i simply do not have time to work on them. but now i do. starting monday, i'll have each weekdays and three weekday evenings to work on my art, my projects, my life. that's quite something. though with this much time available, i will have to instate not a schedule, but a form of discipline. this might be the hard part of it but heck, i'm up for a challenge!
so i say: bring it on!
20040102
[move out]/[move in]
this morning i went back to my flat to get the balance of my stuff, including furniture. it turned out to be quite something. joining me in this adventure were my mother, my sister, her husband and my grandfather. so we ventured out, in the chilly morning, to my flat.
as was often the case during the last weeks of the school term, i grew more nervous as we were approaching the dreaded flat. to be completely honest, i was afraid of running into flatmate. but i didn't. the flat was horrible: messy, smelly, filthy. just before leaving, two weeks ago, i vacuumed the whole place, cleaned out some stuff, etc. but none of the work i had done showed. i swear, it was not beautiful at all. but my task was to pack up my stuff, not to dwell on the uncleanliness of the place. plus, my grandfather was with me, and my mother, sister and brother-in-law would be arriving shortly, so no time was to be wasted. so i got into it, packed up my stuff.
since we started getting into the moving in our own flat, things were not so good with roommate (who once was a good friend of mine). she rarely was collaborating with anything. i fetched out the possible places to stay. i organised the visits. then, once the place was chosen and it was time to move in, i (with the help of my family) got us a huge truck to move all our stuff at once. she ended up not helping because she "had a show that night and she couldn't afford to be tired". so we hauled her stuff in the truck and moved it in the flat, without the slightest of her help. then i called the phone company to get phone service; i did the necessary to get high speed internet for the both of us. and that was only BEFORE moving in. during the time we lived together (i.e. the past 4 months), i always had to remind her about the money she owed me for bills (telephone, internet, both were in my name, so i paid first and then collected the money), she rarely cleaned up anything, she basically invaded the living room and kitchen (on the premise that i got the biggest room (it actually was HER choice to get the small room), so i have more room to store my stuff) with all her things, etc. so cohabitation became quickly tense, with me staying in my room most of the time.
today, i intended on getting my personal stuff and leave some things there (such as the phone, answerphone, coffee machine) to help her cope. i also thought that, anyways, since i'm leaving her the sofa, coffee table and kitchen table, not to mention lighting in the living room, i might as well leave her the other stuff that could be of use. but sister and mother weren't ok with that. i didn't really have a choice, they had made their minds and packed up the phone, answerphone and coffee machine. during the ride back, i felt bad about leaving her there with not much stuff (already that i had the phone service cut (it was in my name!) and that i took internet service with me when moving back my computer (it's in my name!)). thing is, i really should not feel bad now, should i?
i mean, i'm still paying my share of the rent, even though i don't live there anymore (so she basically gets a whole flat to herself, with only her share to pay), and i took care of the important stuff while i was there... so why should i feel bad about leaving with my stuff?
i guess i need to toughen up...
this morning i went back to my flat to get the balance of my stuff, including furniture. it turned out to be quite something. joining me in this adventure were my mother, my sister, her husband and my grandfather. so we ventured out, in the chilly morning, to my flat.
as was often the case during the last weeks of the school term, i grew more nervous as we were approaching the dreaded flat. to be completely honest, i was afraid of running into flatmate. but i didn't. the flat was horrible: messy, smelly, filthy. just before leaving, two weeks ago, i vacuumed the whole place, cleaned out some stuff, etc. but none of the work i had done showed. i swear, it was not beautiful at all. but my task was to pack up my stuff, not to dwell on the uncleanliness of the place. plus, my grandfather was with me, and my mother, sister and brother-in-law would be arriving shortly, so no time was to be wasted. so i got into it, packed up my stuff.
since we started getting into the moving in our own flat, things were not so good with roommate (who once was a good friend of mine). she rarely was collaborating with anything. i fetched out the possible places to stay. i organised the visits. then, once the place was chosen and it was time to move in, i (with the help of my family) got us a huge truck to move all our stuff at once. she ended up not helping because she "had a show that night and she couldn't afford to be tired". so we hauled her stuff in the truck and moved it in the flat, without the slightest of her help. then i called the phone company to get phone service; i did the necessary to get high speed internet for the both of us. and that was only BEFORE moving in. during the time we lived together (i.e. the past 4 months), i always had to remind her about the money she owed me for bills (telephone, internet, both were in my name, so i paid first and then collected the money), she rarely cleaned up anything, she basically invaded the living room and kitchen (on the premise that i got the biggest room (it actually was HER choice to get the small room), so i have more room to store my stuff) with all her things, etc. so cohabitation became quickly tense, with me staying in my room most of the time.
today, i intended on getting my personal stuff and leave some things there (such as the phone, answerphone, coffee machine) to help her cope. i also thought that, anyways, since i'm leaving her the sofa, coffee table and kitchen table, not to mention lighting in the living room, i might as well leave her the other stuff that could be of use. but sister and mother weren't ok with that. i didn't really have a choice, they had made their minds and packed up the phone, answerphone and coffee machine. during the ride back, i felt bad about leaving her there with not much stuff (already that i had the phone service cut (it was in my name!) and that i took internet service with me when moving back my computer (it's in my name!)). thing is, i really should not feel bad now, should i?
i mean, i'm still paying my share of the rent, even though i don't live there anymore (so she basically gets a whole flat to herself, with only her share to pay), and i took care of the important stuff while i was there... so why should i feel bad about leaving with my stuff?
i guess i need to toughen up...
20040101
new year: family reception
each new year (and each christmas, easter, etc), my family gathers. uncles, aunts, cousins, everyone gathers at one's house to spend an evening "celebrating". this year, we are receiving the family.
i am currently typing this as the people are beginning to arrive. i will try to post something tonight, on how it's all going. i already got the ackward: "success in your stu.... entreprises!, no matter what they are.. hehe he". and i bet there's more to come...
each new year (and each christmas, easter, etc), my family gathers. uncles, aunts, cousins, everyone gathers at one's house to spend an evening "celebrating". this year, we are receiving the family.
i am currently typing this as the people are beginning to arrive. i will try to post something tonight, on how it's all going. i already got the ackward: "success in your stu.... entreprises!, no matter what they are.. hehe he". and i bet there's more to come...
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