If You Think About Someone...

...do they think about you too?

If you miss someone...
...do they miss you too?

Beautiful Emotions

I laugh a lot.
I cry a little, here and there.
I experience moments of sadness (exactly like how i'm feeling right now).
I feel elated every now and then.
I get ideas and work on them.
I fall, dust myself off and start over and again.
There are mornings when I feel completely lost.
Other mornings when I'm really in control and on top of things.
There are days when I believe I can feel the whole world.
There are moments in my life when I get to know other people and want to share my life with them.
And then it works out.
Or it doesn't work out.
There's no way of knowing what will happen, but the good always overrides the bad.

Forward, always forward.

Springtime... of course

If we were still living at the Villa, I'd be lying in Anne-Marie's bed right now, talking about what just happened. She'd give me her love advice, as she rules in that department (and in many others, but it derogates from the topic of this post). But sadly the time of the Villa is behind and so here I am, in this room that I will finally get to move out of in a bit more than a month, drinking and typing away.

People cross your path and you happen to cross theirs. Things happen, you begin to glow, you get to know the person, butterflies form in your very insides. Time constantly flies and so you see the person more and more and more. You laugh like you haven't laughed in a long time.

But then, for some odd reason, you sometimes turn into a person you are not. You freak out in various things to then realise how trivial they were. Reflecting on it you realise that it probably pertains to something past that hasn't been completely resolved. You decide that you will control those moments so they don't happen again. You decide you'll figure it out, you'll figure yourself out.

Then things get odd. You see the person less. You start to realise you are falling for the person but you also realise how far apart you two are.

Then it goes further until you finally understand that it has to end. It has to end because you love the person, it has to end because of various differences that wouldn't make for a lasting relationship, because you both are so far apart. You tell the person, the person hugs you and keeps you close. Then you leave. The person says: "talk to you later". You walk out the door.

And so it goes. Old jazzmen were right, Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most.

Or Perhaps Not

I might just be wrong...

Which brings me to this question that hasn't yet found an answer: why is it that I always imagine the end is coming if a situation confuses me a bit? why do I have to want to run away when things get difficult?

Sensing The End

When I saw him last night, I realised that I had missed him. At the same time, when we parted, I felt that the end of this affair was near.

It's not that I'm surprised, because I had sensed it early on. Wishing that it would be something grand and lasting but knowing deep down that it would only be a passing thing, a late rebound, a crash course in relationships.

Perhaps I'm wrong, it might be my sleepless mind making this all up. However, I doubt it strongly...

There's nothing else to do but to wait and see now.

What I've Been Up To

I've understood a lot of things in the past month or so. A lot of things about life, about myself, about others. About the way I relate to people and just how different I view things if my heart happens to be involved.

I've been rollercoastery all month, but good was always overriding the bad. Everytime I felt sad or weird or freaked out or simply bizarre, it always lead to some form of understanding of things...

Early this week, I was taken by this crazy state of anxiety and panic. It followed me through until yesterday, when it peaked. After I was done my shoot in capture class, I went back to my place and crashed into bed. The feeling of falling into a void was back. I slept for two hours and woke up at 3pm. I had dreamt a weird dream about alarms ringing somewhere in town and me hovering around the buildings. Then I went to get the haircut. It all became clear during the haircut. What had been making me anxious, what had been bringing me down, what was rendering me sad. It felt like walking out of a puddle of sticky gelly. I got the feeling that I could breathe again, for the first time in days.

I really feel like I've grown this past month. This might just be the beginning of newfound self-confidence...