Move (ment)

I'm moving tomorrow morning, early. I'm nervous. At the same time, I'm really excited and looking forward to life in a new neighbourhood. I know that everything will be fine, I'm getting a good feeling about it, but still, for some reason, I'm nervous.

I'm going from Rosemont (deep deep Rosemont) to South Central. I'll be 15 minutes away from my school (that's by foot), in comparison to 40 minutes via bus+metro. Just that fact makes everything a whole lot better. I'll be 20 minutes away from my job instead of an hour. I'll be living close to everything, in a place where there's a lot more activity. My photography will probably benefit from that.

Those who know Montreal know that South Central = Gay Village. I'm not sure how I'll enjoy that. I've never been really fond of that neighbourhood. It seems to be the epitomy of everything I'm not. I'm not partying all the time, I don't devote a cult to my body. At the same time, I'm thinking that perhaps living there will help me face that, face the fact that, yeah, some people in life are vain and some people in life are bitches and judge the value of others by who they wear and the haircut they have. But it should allow me to recognize that not everybody is like that, that not every guy who lives in or frequents that neighbourhood is like that.

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I felt really blue at Christmas. On the bus ride to Granby on the 24th, I had to focus really hard not to start weeping. My mom was picking me up at the bus terminal. When I got in the car, we started talking about things and I explained that I was feeling blue. Again, I came really close to crying. After the xmas mass, we got back home and my sister+brother-in-law arrived. We had the traditional feasting and gift-exchanging. Seeing my family really made me feel better. I felt loved. These past weeks I've been feeling really lonely. Lonely like no one really cares. It's nothing worrisome though. It's not related to depression or anything. I recognise that my life, in general, is going really well. But still, I feel terribly alone...

Fastforward

My school term ended a week ago. Christmas is coming up and I'm moving out of the Villa in a week. Time flies, it's just incredible. It seems like only a month ago, it was scorchingly hot outside and I was looking forward to beginning photoschool and was a bit anxious as what it would be like. Finally, school turned out to be pretty much all I expected and promises to be even more as the terms go by. Next term, we'll be tackling studio work and artificial lighting, colour theory and, gasp!, we'll even shoot 4x5s!

As for this term, I went through a crisis towards photography and came out of it with a better vision on what I want to do and I'm producing stronger work. At my term assessment with capture and lab teachers, the comments were really positive and encouraging. Also, I got the highest final grades that I have even gotten in my life: 92% in capture class and "over 90" in lab.

So, this year will have been a crazy rollercoaster and my first real foray into what I shall name: The Adult Life. So, since I'm in a seemingly neverending listing mood, here it goes again:

2005 in keywords:

• johnné
• love
• german
• drunken interior photography of a woman
• student strike
• new job
• heartbreak
• new adventures
• rollercoaster
• weird people
• relapse
• discovery
• tears
• laughs
• running
• photography
• dSLR
• recovery
• new beginnings
• Powerbook!
• public transit
• piercings
• love
• heartbreak (again)
• friendship
• family
• sweat
• work
• strength
• questionnings
• and, ultimately, coming through

I've probably missed a couple of things, but I think that summarizing a year in keywords beats the hell out of doing a full written recap. Also, I doubt that doing so would be of interest to anyone but me.

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I've spoken to my father last week. For the first time in something like 8 or 9 months. We chatted and then I admitted that I wanted to make contact for a while but was having a case of pride. He said that so did he. So we agreed to stop that shit right now and keep in contact from now on.

It seems that, in doing so, a shift was initiated. Some people I had not spoken to in a long time contacted me. Other things of that effect have happened. Maybe it's the coming of the new year, but I feel a new cycle coming on, something different.

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I finally managed to go see my doctor about my blood test and my medication follow-up. My blood test was superb, absolutely nothing wrong with it. Also, seeing how everything is, I can stop taking my meds anytime starting mid-january. During all the time I was in the cabinet, my doctor kept on talking to me about photography and making jokes. When I left, he gave me a nice pat on the back wishing me merry christmas and sweet things for the new year.

:D

Things I Love

(I'm in a listing mood, please bear with me)

Here's a little non-exhaustive list of things I love (not in any particular order)

I love:

• the sound of my powerbook's keyboard when typing
• my powerbook
• my family
• foggy mornings
• having a bowl of cereal not long before going to bed
• waking up without an alarm clock
• waking up before my alarm clock and making it on time to class
  
• surprises
• smiling at people on the street or in the metro and see them smile back
• my friends, the dear ones
• making people laugh
• laughing and giggling
• the feeling I get after training
• printing images on a professional printer
• my camera (which is now named Nikole)
• Johann Sebastian Bach
• Erik Satie
• muffins (yes, I know that I said I'd quit muffins...)
• www.toothpastefordinner.com and www.nataliedee.com
• browsing camera stores and drooling over pro DSLRs and Leicas
• optical theory
• moleskines
• music
• Darién
• Sharpies
• Montreal
• the Museum Of Contemporary Arts of Montreal
• flowers
• riding in Emilie's car and singing along to the music
• life
• many other things...

Things I Should Do

This is in the same vein as the Resolutions post of a couple weeks ago, but this is just a series of random thoughts I had while taking a shower.

A Few Things I Should Do:

• Stop biting my nails
• Get reacquainted with my father (or, at least, write him an email, even if it means stepping on my pride by doing so)
• Get back to running (yes, I know it was in my resolutions. I did manage to find a way to train 3 times a week without skipping, but still nothing on the running front)
• Do my dishes a tad more often
• Take more pictures
• Keep learning german
• Start applying for jobs as a photo assistant as soon as the new year gets here
• Be more careful with my files and my workflow in order not to lose data
• Call my doctor, now that I had my blood test done
• Write a Thank You card to my sister
• Call my friend Marie-Eve, just because
• Prepare for moving out

That Darned Blood-test

I was supposed to get blood tests done for about 4 months now. But I kept postponing it. It's mainly a routine exam, to make sure that my depression relapse wasn't caused by a physiological problem.

I figured I would get that done tomorrow morning because my class starts at 13:30. So, knowing that I had to fast before the test, I had dinner, then went cycling, came back, had only a glass of juice and then stopped ingesting stuff (except water). As I was preparing my things for tomorrow in order to be able to leave the flat quickly and get that test out of the way, I checked my sheet. I had misread before. I was certain I had to be sitting on a empty stomach for 8 hours prior to the test. It was 23:00 when I checked. But the sheet said that I had to have not eaten anything 12 hours prior to the test. So, without knowing it, by drinking that glass of juice at 22:30, I ruined my possibility of taking the test tomorrow morning.

Guess I'll have to have it done next week.

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I couldn't fall asleep, so I got up and felt hungry, so I had a bowl of cereal. Then, I turned on the TV. I had forgotten how much fun watching infomercials can be. I saw the last 5 minutes of an advert for a fortune reading by telephone service. The man was telling the woman on the phone that the man in her life was going to acquire a house in the next "4 to 7 months". The woman was extatic and kept on saying: "ooh! Yes! really! wow! thank you! thank you so much!"

And right now, I'm watching an infomercial for a dating service that caters to straight men and woman, gays and lesbians, bisexuals and swingers. It's really funny to watch, they're playing back messages by the members and showing trite moments lived by the members, all in slow-motion. The name of the service translates roughly to "The dating service that hits!" It's mainly a way for people to hook-up for sex. I love how the people in the messages try to be clever but they just end up sounding stupid. My favourite one goes like this:
"Guys, be wary: I know what I want. Pleasure, pleasure and just more pleasure" (all said in a really cheesy tone)

TV. Great, smart entertainment at all hours.

A Quote For Inspiration

"I need to have a spark of truth and love in my photos
If it isn't there, things don't work"
-Yann Arthus-Bertrand

Resolutions

Here's a list of precepts I've either started to implement in my life or that I will start implementing in the next few days.

• Sleep more
• Go to bed earlier
• Leave behind some bad (and stupid) habits that I've acquired as of recent
• Not let myself be brought down by the snobs in my program
• Tone and moisturize day and night
• Eat better (i.e. eat complete meals)
• Bring lunches to work and school
• Give up muffins (I'm addicted to muffins...)
• Drink less coffee and more water
• Get back to running
• Keep with my training routine (I used to be really strict and go training 3 times a week, but because of all that's happened, my training has been incredibly episodic in the past 2 months)
• Masturbate less
• Not waste energy over little frustrations
• Be less severe toward myself
• Be more confident
• Carry a camera with me at all times
• Learn how to and start using a diary
• Write down my ideas
• When I wake up, scribble down the oddities that I've dreamt about
• Clean up my room and my flat as needed and not wait until I find it unbearably messy
• Tackle things as they come up and not postpone
• Start meditating again
• Spend at least 3 hours at the piano per week (this will be hard to implement, but I'll work on it)
• Work on my piano scales and my sight-reading
• Meet new people, hear new and different opinions and viewpoints
• Etc!