Sometimes, it becomes really difficult for me to summarize my thoughts and feelings. Like right now, for instance. There's a lot I want to write about, but nothing seems to be getting along well with words. It's been like that for a week. I put off writing here because I cannot make sense of my thoughts in another language than my own. That's what happens sometimes.
I miss the man I love
The telephone is colder than anything
Not phobic but afraid of pushing the other away
This lack of physical contact makes the fear all the more tangible
I'm not feeling down or blue or sad I guess I just wonder
All the beauty all those feelings and the intensity
The prospect of living love through a straw
For the next four months
20040829
20040823
Those Days
You know, the days when you just don't feel like doing anything. Those days when you just feel like lounging around your dwelling, doing whatever you want to do. Today is one of those days.
This morning, I have to go to training, then come back here. After that, a friend is supposed to call and we are supposed to go watch a movie or chat around or something like that. Then, in the evening, I'm pretty sure something will turn up, as far as stuff to do goes. Also, I will have to keep a phone handy all evening because I am waiting for a call.
But then, all I really want to do today is paint. Play recluse and finish the work I have in progress. Finish painting and then get around to the writing I've been putting off: polishing and reorganizing my poetry book to (finally!) send it out to an editor, working on my screenplay in order to complete it sometime before year 2011, organizing the new poetry that will be part of the next book, etc.
What I want to do is get work done, alone, without interruptions or distractions. But that seldom happens, my mind butterflying to every little sparkle that appear (appears? I really have to brush up on my english grammar...) around me. A lot of that has to do with self-discipline, I'm certain. For instance, at this moment, instead of writing on how I want to get work done and etc, I could already be on my way to the gym, then train well, clear my head in the process, come back, have lunch and get to work.
So yeah, I am getting off my amorphous ass this second and I'm gonna kickstart that day.
Go.
This morning, I have to go to training, then come back here. After that, a friend is supposed to call and we are supposed to go watch a movie or chat around or something like that. Then, in the evening, I'm pretty sure something will turn up, as far as stuff to do goes. Also, I will have to keep a phone handy all evening because I am waiting for a call.
But then, all I really want to do today is paint. Play recluse and finish the work I have in progress. Finish painting and then get around to the writing I've been putting off: polishing and reorganizing my poetry book to (finally!) send it out to an editor, working on my screenplay in order to complete it sometime before year 2011, organizing the new poetry that will be part of the next book, etc.
What I want to do is get work done, alone, without interruptions or distractions. But that seldom happens, my mind butterflying to every little sparkle that appear (appears? I really have to brush up on my english grammar...) around me. A lot of that has to do with self-discipline, I'm certain. For instance, at this moment, instead of writing on how I want to get work done and etc, I could already be on my way to the gym, then train well, clear my head in the process, come back, have lunch and get to work.
So yeah, I am getting off my amorphous ass this second and I'm gonna kickstart that day.
Go.
20040819
La vie en rose: mode d'emploi
At work tonight, I came upon a book titled: "La vie en rose: mode d'emploi". Definitely cute and heartwarming. It gives suggestions (over 500 of them!) on how to live a happy life.
Reading it, I noticed that I'm quite on the right track as to how to keep myself happy. Doing simple things and enjoying them, smiling to people and really mean it, enjoying every moment of work, cooking pancakes for my best friends, etc. Maybe that's why I'm not negative and gloomy anymore. Maybe I have found ways to get back to what's really important. Of course I am not constantly happy, joyful and perky. Sometimes, I just feel "okay". And that's just fine. After three year of constant bad days, being "okay" is being on top of the world.
I can't help but marvel at the beauty of being well, not being depressed and knowing that it's going to stay that way for a long time.
Intense beauty. I love it.
Reading it, I noticed that I'm quite on the right track as to how to keep myself happy. Doing simple things and enjoying them, smiling to people and really mean it, enjoying every moment of work, cooking pancakes for my best friends, etc. Maybe that's why I'm not negative and gloomy anymore. Maybe I have found ways to get back to what's really important. Of course I am not constantly happy, joyful and perky. Sometimes, I just feel "okay". And that's just fine. After three year of constant bad days, being "okay" is being on top of the world.
I can't help but marvel at the beauty of being well, not being depressed and knowing that it's going to stay that way for a long time.
Intense beauty. I love it.
The Matter With First Names And Details
After recapping for about two hours yesterday, i began to wonder: is it okay to name the people in my story by their first name? Should i just use the first letter of their first names or should i just change their names altogether?
I was wondering about that because, you know, if my friends actually read this, they might go: "hey! he's talking about me!", but then again, the people who read this who do not happen to be close friends with me will have no clue whatsoever as to who are the people i'm writing about. I guess it's all good really. Plus, i'm thinking that it's my life i'm sharing, not other people's so i guess it's alright to name the people in my stories by first names.
Another matter that i wonder about is whether or not i give too much detail when i tell a story. In real life i have this tendency to make tons of parentheses to whatever it is that i am saying, explaining everything, going into intricate detail about the current matter. I can imagine it being annoying to some. On the other hand, the people who might be annoyed by that would be the types to tell me stone cold to just skim it, so it's okay in that respect.
Anybody got an opinion on that?
I was wondering about that because, you know, if my friends actually read this, they might go: "hey! he's talking about me!", but then again, the people who read this who do not happen to be close friends with me will have no clue whatsoever as to who are the people i'm writing about. I guess it's all good really. Plus, i'm thinking that it's my life i'm sharing, not other people's so i guess it's alright to name the people in my stories by first names.
Another matter that i wonder about is whether or not i give too much detail when i tell a story. In real life i have this tendency to make tons of parentheses to whatever it is that i am saying, explaining everything, going into intricate detail about the current matter. I can imagine it being annoying to some. On the other hand, the people who might be annoyed by that would be the types to tell me stone cold to just skim it, so it's okay in that respect.
Anybody got an opinion on that?
20040818
recap (part 2)
(continued from previous post)
I was sleeping at Emilie's that night. Of course, as i got to bed, my mind was racing, i kept on thinking about my internet friend (let's call him G), about how i wanted to see him again, etc. Then, as i finally had gotten to sleep, Emilie's cat and her roommate's decided to race one another and, apparently, the bed where i was sleeping was part of their racetrack. Needless to say, i didn't sleep much that night. The following day was weird, i was ultra euphoric. And during that weird, ultra euphoric day, something dawned on me. It hit me like a ton of brick that i didn't want to go and study computer science, that i didn't want to stay in this town another whole year (let alone three!!) and that instead of always being such a coward i should get off my pink ass and do what i really want to do, it being studying film.
It took a couple of days for it to really sink through my mind, that i was shifting goals once more, that i was setting my departure in the last week of this coming december instead of next august, that i was going back to university in 5 months. Then, i checked on the Université de Montréal website: The minor in film studies is open and you can begin the program in both autumn and winter. How completely perfect! I can begin with the minor and get good grades, then transfer to the major and do it! Ideal!
So, with this new shift in priorities, i tried to get a couple of courses in cégep in order to fill the time between now and january. I couldn't get the courses though, as all that interested me were offered in the winter and by this winter i'll be back in uni, so it kinda defeats the purpose of filling the time before uni.
By friday, two days after the montrealtrip, the plan was crystal clear and fixed in my head (it doesn't take that much time for stuff to sink in my mind...). Parallel to that, i really wanted to speak to G again. I had told myself that i'd call him on friday night, before work. On friday morning, while i was training at the gym, i decided that i couldn't wait any longer and that i'd call as soon as i'd be home, to ask if i could call him on that night (crafty, ain't i). I did call, and we did agree on speaking that same night. Then we started phoning regularly.
The weekend came to an end and i really wanted to see him again. So the plan was that i would take the bus the next wednesday morning and go to spend the day with him. After telling that to him on the phone, i hung up and noticed there was a message on the answerphone. It was a friend of mine, who didn't know a thing about the current matter, telling me that she had to go to Montréal on tuesday and that if i wanted to go with her she'd be delighted. Ping! So, after talking to G again, it seemed that i was going to sleepover at his place on tuesday night and come back home the next evening.
The "27hours with G" was great, even though conditions were rather ackward. I had been ill in the night from monday to tuesday, he suddenly developped a cold, etc. Yet, things went quite well! Only a few things he said or a few things i had done kept on running in my mind. I was thinking that maybe i talked to much, maybe i revealed too much, etc. And from other things he said, i thought that as soon as i was out of his presence i'd be non-existent in his mind. But no. Things sorted themselves out. He was the first to call. Lovely.
The past weekend, we had kinda agreed that i would come to see him on the upcoming wednesday (i.e. today, as i'm typing this post). But then he called on monday morning to tell me that it was a no-go. That day i had a little case of the blues, for no particular reason. I called him back, he was in a hurry, we postponed our telephone conversation until the evening.
My mother came back from work that day saying that we should go see her aunt. I suggested that she'd call to ask if she had had dinner and if not we'd bring some food and join her. She invited us over for dinner. I brought my camera. Her aunt lives at the vineyard. As we arrived there, i noticed some stuff that i wanted to photograph. I went kinda crazy and my blues went away. It had been close to a month since the last time i had used my SLR and in that evening, i went through a roll and a half of film. It was a great evening: great dinner, great talks, great picture-taking. Great everything. We came back here and i called G, saying that i'd come over the next morning and leave either on the same night or the following morning.
Tuesday morning, i had second thoughts as to whether i should go. I called Emilie and she motivated me about going, so i went. A great great day it was. He picked me up at the terminal, we walked together, then went back to his place, watched a movie, cuddled, chatted, laughed. Then we left early in the evening and went to mount royal. As we were walking in the trails he'd sometimes take my hand, just for a moment. We came down from the walking and decided to go for a beer to this nice pub. Chatted a lot there also. There was still sometime left after that so we went walking up to another park, walked through it and then went back to the station. As we came upon a little neighbourhood park, he grabbed my head and kissed me (it wasn't the first time, but definitively the first time he did so in an open space and out of the blue like that!). Lovely lovely. Walked back to the station, sat around a bit, then he left. Not without grabbing my hand as he left though. I got stared at by an old lady sitting across because of that. I guess it was obvious it wasn't a macho handshake. Then the bus arrived, i boarded it, listened to Múm on the way back.
So that's about it for a recap of the important events of the past two months. Who knows what will happen about me & G. One thing is for certain: i feel really really good with him.
That just can't be bad, right?
I was sleeping at Emilie's that night. Of course, as i got to bed, my mind was racing, i kept on thinking about my internet friend (let's call him G), about how i wanted to see him again, etc. Then, as i finally had gotten to sleep, Emilie's cat and her roommate's decided to race one another and, apparently, the bed where i was sleeping was part of their racetrack. Needless to say, i didn't sleep much that night. The following day was weird, i was ultra euphoric. And during that weird, ultra euphoric day, something dawned on me. It hit me like a ton of brick that i didn't want to go and study computer science, that i didn't want to stay in this town another whole year (let alone three!!) and that instead of always being such a coward i should get off my pink ass and do what i really want to do, it being studying film.
It took a couple of days for it to really sink through my mind, that i was shifting goals once more, that i was setting my departure in the last week of this coming december instead of next august, that i was going back to university in 5 months. Then, i checked on the Université de Montréal website: The minor in film studies is open and you can begin the program in both autumn and winter. How completely perfect! I can begin with the minor and get good grades, then transfer to the major and do it! Ideal!
So, with this new shift in priorities, i tried to get a couple of courses in cégep in order to fill the time between now and january. I couldn't get the courses though, as all that interested me were offered in the winter and by this winter i'll be back in uni, so it kinda defeats the purpose of filling the time before uni.
By friday, two days after the montrealtrip, the plan was crystal clear and fixed in my head (it doesn't take that much time for stuff to sink in my mind...). Parallel to that, i really wanted to speak to G again. I had told myself that i'd call him on friday night, before work. On friday morning, while i was training at the gym, i decided that i couldn't wait any longer and that i'd call as soon as i'd be home, to ask if i could call him on that night (crafty, ain't i). I did call, and we did agree on speaking that same night. Then we started phoning regularly.
The weekend came to an end and i really wanted to see him again. So the plan was that i would take the bus the next wednesday morning and go to spend the day with him. After telling that to him on the phone, i hung up and noticed there was a message on the answerphone. It was a friend of mine, who didn't know a thing about the current matter, telling me that she had to go to Montréal on tuesday and that if i wanted to go with her she'd be delighted. Ping! So, after talking to G again, it seemed that i was going to sleepover at his place on tuesday night and come back home the next evening.
The "27hours with G" was great, even though conditions were rather ackward. I had been ill in the night from monday to tuesday, he suddenly developped a cold, etc. Yet, things went quite well! Only a few things he said or a few things i had done kept on running in my mind. I was thinking that maybe i talked to much, maybe i revealed too much, etc. And from other things he said, i thought that as soon as i was out of his presence i'd be non-existent in his mind. But no. Things sorted themselves out. He was the first to call. Lovely.
The past weekend, we had kinda agreed that i would come to see him on the upcoming wednesday (i.e. today, as i'm typing this post). But then he called on monday morning to tell me that it was a no-go. That day i had a little case of the blues, for no particular reason. I called him back, he was in a hurry, we postponed our telephone conversation until the evening.
My mother came back from work that day saying that we should go see her aunt. I suggested that she'd call to ask if she had had dinner and if not we'd bring some food and join her. She invited us over for dinner. I brought my camera. Her aunt lives at the vineyard. As we arrived there, i noticed some stuff that i wanted to photograph. I went kinda crazy and my blues went away. It had been close to a month since the last time i had used my SLR and in that evening, i went through a roll and a half of film. It was a great evening: great dinner, great talks, great picture-taking. Great everything. We came back here and i called G, saying that i'd come over the next morning and leave either on the same night or the following morning.
Tuesday morning, i had second thoughts as to whether i should go. I called Emilie and she motivated me about going, so i went. A great great day it was. He picked me up at the terminal, we walked together, then went back to his place, watched a movie, cuddled, chatted, laughed. Then we left early in the evening and went to mount royal. As we were walking in the trails he'd sometimes take my hand, just for a moment. We came down from the walking and decided to go for a beer to this nice pub. Chatted a lot there also. There was still sometime left after that so we went walking up to another park, walked through it and then went back to the station. As we came upon a little neighbourhood park, he grabbed my head and kissed me (it wasn't the first time, but definitively the first time he did so in an open space and out of the blue like that!). Lovely lovely. Walked back to the station, sat around a bit, then he left. Not without grabbing my hand as he left though. I got stared at by an old lady sitting across because of that. I guess it was obvious it wasn't a macho handshake. Then the bus arrived, i boarded it, listened to Múm on the way back.
So that's about it for a recap of the important events of the past two months. Who knows what will happen about me & G. One thing is for certain: i feel really really good with him.
That just can't be bad, right?
recap (part 1)
Alright. So, as usual, i plan to update and i just don't. Mind you, it's not like anybody's really reading this or holding their breath as to whether the little boy will finally write tidbits (details, as it were) of his "riveting" life. Well, here i am, with a well-intentioned recap, in order to update more often (hmmmm, where oh where have i read that sentence before...).
Since last update (early july), a lot has changed. First off: my mood has improved significantly (tremendously would i say, had i a british accent. the british sound so good when they say that word). I am not completely sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with me waking up to the fact that a big part of my mood-swing ferriswheel was self-inflicted. The way i used to think about things, about me, about life; the constant dark voice in the back of my head telling me that no matter what, everything's gonna go wrong, that i'm not worth shit, etc (you probably know the syndrome). Realizing that, i told that bitch to shut up and leave me alone. It seems to have worked. I also started cutting myself more slack that i normally do. Letting the pressure off my own shoulders for a while. It seems that all this has worked because in a month and a half, i have been relatively stable and cheery, which is quite something. Everybody seems to be noticing, too! From my mother who said, as i was talking about good things happening: "well, you truly seem to have found your way out of the well!", to my aunt who told me how she thought that i had become quite smiley-faced and really upbeat nowadays, to friends making similar comments.
Secondly, i decided to go back to school. At first, i plotted going back to cégep (once more and again), this time to study computer science. I was really into the idea of it, i even had a meeting with an advisor, to get registered. If i were to have been admitted, it would have meant staying here for at least another year and maybe even three years, the time to finish the program. I thought it was a nice plan, i really did. But then...
Emilie (friend extraordinaire) and I had planned a couple of weeks ago to go spend a day in Montréal, like we used to do before. The planned date was August 4th. So, as the date was approaching, an internet friend of mine came online. He had been offline for a while, because he had moved from Québec to Montréal. We had never met in real life, so i asked if he'd like to spend a bit of time with Émilie and I in Montréal. He said that he'd like to. So the plan was to meet in the end of the afternoon, someplace. The plan was then set.
August 4th, early morning, i wake up and get dressed for a day in the big town. My friend picked me up around 8:30, and we left. It felt like a great day, the sun shining, good music on the radio, Emi and I shiny happy people. We arrived to Montreal and just browsed around the streets, going to bookstores, clotheshops, art material places, etc. We went for coffee about every 2 hours (hehehehe). In the afternoon, we decided to go to ExCentris. That theater only plays international and repertoire films. So we walk into the theater only to stumble on a good friend that i had not seen in a long time. It felt totally crazy. We were 30 minutes in advance for the movie and we spent it chatting together. Then we went for the movie, watched it, said goodbye to my friend and left. At that moment i felt a bit overwhelmed. My friend had spoken about her plans for the future, what she was gonna study et al (i know this seems really disconnected to the rest of the story, but i'm going somewhere with this, please hold on). I had realised at that point that i had missed her beaucoup. Emilie noticed my pensive state and just shouted: "cheer up now, god!" We went for dinner and laughed a lot, it was great. I was also waiting for a phone call from my internet friends about where we should meet. He called, we finally set a rendez-vous. Emilie and I finished having dinner and waited for the rendez-vous. Internet friend arrived and we started walking and chatting all three of us. He took us to this place in Chinatown where they serve bubble tea. It was great fun. After much talking on how we had wanted to go to a showing of Kill Bill 1 and 2 at a theater in town, the internet friend invited us over to his place to watch kill bill 2. So we did. It was tons of fun. Emilie was sitting on a sofa and i was sitting on a futon, right next to internet friend. We kept on teasing one another during the movie (Emilie slept through most of it) and at one point, he put his head on my shoulder.
Then, when the time was to leave, i shook his hand, nearly walked through the door, had second thoughts and hugged him. Then i left.
more to follow...
Since last update (early july), a lot has changed. First off: my mood has improved significantly (tremendously would i say, had i a british accent. the british sound so good when they say that word). I am not completely sure why, but i think it has a lot to do with me waking up to the fact that a big part of my mood-swing ferriswheel was self-inflicted. The way i used to think about things, about me, about life; the constant dark voice in the back of my head telling me that no matter what, everything's gonna go wrong, that i'm not worth shit, etc (you probably know the syndrome). Realizing that, i told that bitch to shut up and leave me alone. It seems to have worked. I also started cutting myself more slack that i normally do. Letting the pressure off my own shoulders for a while. It seems that all this has worked because in a month and a half, i have been relatively stable and cheery, which is quite something. Everybody seems to be noticing, too! From my mother who said, as i was talking about good things happening: "well, you truly seem to have found your way out of the well!", to my aunt who told me how she thought that i had become quite smiley-faced and really upbeat nowadays, to friends making similar comments.
Secondly, i decided to go back to school. At first, i plotted going back to cégep (once more and again), this time to study computer science. I was really into the idea of it, i even had a meeting with an advisor, to get registered. If i were to have been admitted, it would have meant staying here for at least another year and maybe even three years, the time to finish the program. I thought it was a nice plan, i really did. But then...
Emilie (friend extraordinaire) and I had planned a couple of weeks ago to go spend a day in Montréal, like we used to do before. The planned date was August 4th. So, as the date was approaching, an internet friend of mine came online. He had been offline for a while, because he had moved from Québec to Montréal. We had never met in real life, so i asked if he'd like to spend a bit of time with Émilie and I in Montréal. He said that he'd like to. So the plan was to meet in the end of the afternoon, someplace. The plan was then set.
August 4th, early morning, i wake up and get dressed for a day in the big town. My friend picked me up around 8:30, and we left. It felt like a great day, the sun shining, good music on the radio, Emi and I shiny happy people. We arrived to Montreal and just browsed around the streets, going to bookstores, clotheshops, art material places, etc. We went for coffee about every 2 hours (hehehehe). In the afternoon, we decided to go to ExCentris. That theater only plays international and repertoire films. So we walk into the theater only to stumble on a good friend that i had not seen in a long time. It felt totally crazy. We were 30 minutes in advance for the movie and we spent it chatting together. Then we went for the movie, watched it, said goodbye to my friend and left. At that moment i felt a bit overwhelmed. My friend had spoken about her plans for the future, what she was gonna study et al (i know this seems really disconnected to the rest of the story, but i'm going somewhere with this, please hold on). I had realised at that point that i had missed her beaucoup. Emilie noticed my pensive state and just shouted: "cheer up now, god!" We went for dinner and laughed a lot, it was great. I was also waiting for a phone call from my internet friends about where we should meet. He called, we finally set a rendez-vous. Emilie and I finished having dinner and waited for the rendez-vous. Internet friend arrived and we started walking and chatting all three of us. He took us to this place in Chinatown where they serve bubble tea. It was great fun. After much talking on how we had wanted to go to a showing of Kill Bill 1 and 2 at a theater in town, the internet friend invited us over to his place to watch kill bill 2. So we did. It was tons of fun. Emilie was sitting on a sofa and i was sitting on a futon, right next to internet friend. We kept on teasing one another during the movie (Emilie slept through most of it) and at one point, he put his head on my shoulder.
Then, when the time was to leave, i shook his hand, nearly walked through the door, had second thoughts and hugged him. Then i left.
more to follow...
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